Breastmilk Is For Babies.

Last year for my birthday, my brother gifted me a 23andMe heredity kit to see if we were, in fact, related. Turns out we are both definitively at least 50% “East Asian & Native American,” which apparently puts me down for “likely lactose intolerant.” I honestly never thought about this. I knew that certain cultures, specifically African Americans and Asians, are generally lactose intolerant. But even though I am genetically predisposed to dairy intolerance, I never gave it a second thought because…well…Got Milk?

too old for dairy

Let’s state the obvious: milk comes from titties! As a baby, you probably breastfed for a few months or maybe even a year or two. If you were me, it only took a week for your mother to say, “fuck this shit” and quickly embrace the convenience of baby formula.

I’m all about breastfeeding if that option is available. According to WebMD, studies have shown that exclusively breastfeeding for up to six months can result in fewer respiratory illnesses, ear infections and bouts of diarrhea. It also can help prevent allergies and asthma. Breastmilk is essentially a natural vaccination as it contains antibiotics that help babies fight infection and disease. However, breastfeeding hurts like hell and not every woman is able to do it for various reasons, so I respect every woman’s decision to breastfeed or not to breastfeed. After all, I was breastfed for one week and didn’t turn out so bad, right? 😉

But let’s examine this scenario with regards to whether or not we should be eating dairy as grown adults: the most one will typically breastfeed is for up to six months, maybe a year. You could even breastfeed for a few years if you and your mother are so inclined because your body is still producing lactase (the enzyme responsible for digesting milk) until you are about four years old, when you will most likely have a full set of teeth (ouch!). Once you turn four years old, your production of lactase drastically decreases, and in some people, it completely stops. So it is no wonder most adults feel bloated and constipated when they eat too much dairy. Additionally, most adults are not ingesting human milk, but cow’s dairy, which contains the casein protein, a known carcinogen according to The China Study by Dr. T. Colin Campbell.

Aside from our physiological evolution, let’s look at the milk itself. Not only is it cruel and unusual punishment to force a cow (or a human) to breastfeed for life, but it is completely unnatural. It is so unnatural, in fact, that hormones and antibiotics must be pumped into these poor animals in order for them to produce enough milk to feed not just a baby calf, but the human race. Consequently, the cow’s udders are squeezed so forcefully that a generous amount of pus and blood is extracted, which is an excellent reason to pasteurize milk. Trust me, this shit ain’t healthy. It causes severe inflammation in the body.

I believe most people instinctually know that dairy is unhealthy and the first thing people tell me when they are trying to lose weight or trying to become vegan is that they are addicted to cheese. I have great news! There are soooo many good cheese alternatives today! Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels, so you won’t be missing that puss-filled shit when you are winning at life. If you are in the NYC area, I encourage you to visit Riverdel Cheese Shop in Brooklyn just to get an idea of how many different puss-free cheeses are out there! Otherwise, many of these brands can be found in specialty health shops and Whole Foods nationwide.

Miyokos Kitchen: my favorite flavor Black Ash, Smoked Farmhouse and Mozz. They also have an excellent vegan butter.

Kite Hill: available at most Whole Foods mixed in with the regular gourmet cheeses. They make the absolute BEST vegan cream cheese – my favorite it the jalapeno.  Kite Hill also makes different varieties of almond cheese including cream cheeses, soft cheeses and ricotta. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE their mushroom ricotta ravioli!

Violife: the best shreds for your homemade pizza. Also, the best vegan feta cheese!

Treeline Treenut Cheese: widely available in most health food stores, TreeLine makes a whole line of nut cheeses. My favorite flavors are cracked pepper and chipotle-serrano pepper.

Parmela Creamery: this company makes delicious shredded cheese for tacos and other recipes. They also make a good sliced American cheese among others.

 

Summer Smooth Move Smoothie

Green smoothies are my favorite breakfast or lunch and sometimes I have a smoothie for both breakfast and lunch! Having a green smoothie is a fast and easy way to make sure you are getting your greens, antioxidants, vitamins, fiber and a good shit. Depending on what you put in your smoothies, they are generally easy to digest. I suggest you quit playing yourself and get a Vitamix blender, which will literally take years off of your life. It can blend anything into a velvety smooth, easy-to-digest texture in a matter of minutes and it also cleans itself in less than a minute by blending soapy water at high speed. After years of convincing myself I didn’t need a Vitamix, I finally purchased a reconditioned Vitamix from William Sonoma, which comes with a 5 year warrantee and will probably last a lifetime. If you sign on to Williams Sonoma newsletter, you will get an extra 15% off and free shipping as well, so take advantage of our faltering retail economy. The newer models have a cool single-serve cup attachment, but based on the reviews and that they cost a million dollars, they seem to have more challenges than they’re worth. I recommend sticking to the older models. That said, below is my favorite dairy free green smoothie that you can quickly whip up every morning before work. You’ll feel healthy, hydrated, and light as a feather after your smooth, smoothie poo. Other welcomed side effects include satisfaction, more energy, heightened senses, less cravings, clear skin, sex appeal and magical powers. All ingredients can be purchased online thanks to FreshDirect and HealthForceSuperfoods.com. My secret smoothie ingredient is Anita’s Creamline Coconut Yogurt. Anita’s Creamline Coconut Yogurt is the only yogurt I recommend eating everyday. It contains only three ingredients: coconut, coconut water and cultures (no added sugars or bullshit). It is made in small batches in Brooklyn and now widely available via Fresh Direct. Health Alliance’s Vitamineral Green powder is one of the few (if not the only) green powder available with the utmost integrity. Bonus: this smoothie is delicious and satisfying in more ways than one 😉

Summer Smooth Move Smoothie (2 servings)

2 mangos (my favorite are fresh Mexcian Ataulfo mangos, but any frozen variety will do) 1 salad’s worth of spinach (or other green of your choice) 1/2 cup water 1/3 cup Anita’s Creamline Coconut Yogurt 1 scoop Glutagenics 1.5 Tablespoons Vitamineral Green 1 frozen banana (I like to keep peeled bananas cut into thirds in the freezer at all times)

Blend that shit. Enjoy! 

smoothie in Vitamix

Lymphatic Drainage: A Cellular Colonic

I hate showering, so imagine how much I love getting lubed up during a massage. This is the main reason I do not get massages more often, despite my belief that human touch is critical to overall wellness (even if you have to pay for it). Contrary to popular belief, massages are not cost prohibitive. Trade with a friend/partner or get bodywork (foot massage, cupping, full body massage) for just $39 in almost any of the Asian bodywork spots on 8th Street in the West Village (NYC). “Just get touched,” as my master masseuse recommends. I recommend bringing your own oils because most places use some form of mineral oil, which clogs pores, keeping toxins in the body.

That said, I have found my master masseuse right here in Downtown Jersey City. Ceallaigh Pender, owner of Knead on Jersey Avenue, is a highly skilled and trained massage therapist and lymphatic drainage expert. She underwent intensive training at Sloan Kettering, so she clearly knows her shit. Bonus: she only uses natural oils and essential oils as needed, so you won’t need a shower afterwards.

Ceallaigh has taught me a whole bunch of shit, most of which just goes over my head. When you go for Ceallaigh’s custom massage, you are not only getting legit bodywork done, you are getting an education on anatomy. It never ceases to amaze me how interconnected the body is and I always leave Knead with a newfound appreciation of this connectedness. For example, Ceallaigh releases the knots in my shoulder by addressing the tightness in my jaw and by digging her fingers into a very specific point in the front of my neck. I told her my arms and legs fall asleep frequently in certain positions, which she attributes to tightness in my hips and armpits. Her custom massage is a combination of relaxation and constructive pain.

Lymphatic drainage is a more gentle treatment designed to drain lymph (or cellular waste) from your tissues. “It’s like a colonic for your cells,” Ceallaigh explains. In fact, lymphatic drainage is recommended daily for patients who have undergone radiation and other treatments that may kill lymph nodes in order to avoid lymphedema, an accumulation of fluid that results in swelling. Lymphedema is also common in those who have undergone liposuction because much of the lymphatic system is actually sucked out with the fat cells! So while lymphatic drainage may feel like a tease, it is actually moving stagnation (the cause of all illness) into your colon and out your ass.

In short, get felt up as often as possible.

lymphatic drainage in Jersey City at Knead

 

Charcoal for Your Ass and Teeth!

Activated charcoal seems to be all the rage this year. Being in the ass business, I’ve learned from Tom DeVito that activated charcoal should be recommended for food poisoning and from Mike Perrine that it can used for heavy metal detox as well. I have also learned from a client that it can help with excessive gas, but if too much is taken, you may find yourself tweezing dehydrated black turds out of your anus with your fingers.

So given the above information, I find it not only interesting, but counter-intuitive that charcoal is now being used as an ingredient in ice creams, bagels, tea, waffles, pizza, juices and lattes. Just because it’s instagram-worthy, doesn’t mean you should ingest it. Activated charcoal is so strong, it is also used by doctors for drug overdoses. The charcoal actually binds to everything in your system, which sounds like an effective insta-detox, but this means you are also detoxing vitamins, minerals and medications from your system as well. It’s been shown to minimize the effectiveness of medications and even birth control!

charcoal ice cream

So while I’m not buying into this fad, I must admit I use charcoal everyday. The one product I am not mad at is activated charcoal toothpaste! You’ve probably seen the Instagram ads for charcoal tooth powder, which I find a bit messy, so I am excited to have discovered the toothpaste. It comes in three flavors (I love the cinnamon clove). I started using this toothpaste very recently on recommendation from a hygienist I visited at Modern Family Dentistry. I explored some natural whitening options with her because I was fed up with all of my tea stains and the ineffectiveness of soft bristle toothbrushes (recommended for those like me who have receding gum lines). The hygienist was not in favor of commercial whitening toothpastes or even baking soda because she believes they are too abrasive. She actually suggested oil pulling and charcoal (although she admitted she needed to research the abrasiveness of charcoal a little more). I have been oil pulling for a while now, but I do not always have 20 spare minutes every morning. I swear this toothpaste turns your teeth from black to white AF in just one use! This speaks to the power of charcoal and how it really should only be used in modern day emergencies like tea-stained teeth. Make sure to rinse well and scrape your black tongue 😉

My-Magic-Mud-Whitening-Toothpaste-with-Activated-Charcoal-Cinnamon-Clove-868656000139

 

Back That Ass Up

I’m a huge fan of the late John. A. Pagano, a chiropractor and free thinker who wrote Healing Psoriasis in the 90s when the United States was heading more in the direction of chemical convenience and less in the direction of holistic healing. I will sum his book up with this: cleanse your liver, get gravity colonics, eat more plants (except nightshades, especially tomatoes), eat less meat (only wild game and fish should be eaten in small doses if at all), eliminate dairy, avoid white flour, drink water, manage your stress and avoid artificial sweeteners.

Being a chiropractor, Dr. Pagano went into the importance of spinal adjustments when addressing skin issues, specifically psoriasis. While I LOOOOOVE the sensation of my ankles, hips, shoulders and back cracking, I’ve had some traumatizing experiences with chiropractors in the past, so I completely skipped that chapter.

If you’ve followed my blog, you know I’ve suffered from mysterious bouts of eczema (at times, it was mis-[self]diagnosed poison ivy). Flare ups would occur occasionally and coincidentally after completing a Liver Cleanse. It’s been about a year now since my last flare up, but I remember having random itchy patches on my shoulders and shins at my friend’s wedding. You can see one of my patches highlighted by my dress.

Psoriasis healed with colonics and chiropractor

I’ve completed more liver cleanses and recommitted to veganism since then and haven’t had an outbreak since the wedding, which leads me to believe Dr. Pagano’s psoriasis / eczema theory is correct: rashes are shit.

Something else that is probably responsible for clearing up my skin is my recommitment to chiropractics about six months ago. I wasn’t ever going to return after having my back re-injured by a chiropractor who felt more like a salesperson than a doctor, but Brian P. Corrigan came highly referred by numerous clients for his miracle work. He’s like a legit version of this dude:

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Did you know that the first spinal adjustment performed cured a man of his deafness? Look that shit up!

I decided to go more out of curiosity than anything else and the price is right: Brian charges $20 for the first visit and $15 for each subsequent visit if you return within the month, making the work accessible to all. While I mainly visit Brian a few times a week because to me, an 8 minute adjustment feels better than an hour full body massage, some unexpected miracles have happened over the course of my bi-weekly (sometimes 3x/week) adjustments. Firstly, a chronic knot in my neck that no masseuse has been able to erase just magically melted away. And secondly, my rashes have not returned.

Dr. Pagano explains:

Can spinal adjustments conceivably aid the skin directly as well as revitalizing the internal organs that eliminate waste and neutralize toxins? I contend that they can and do – particularly general, full-spine adjustments.

The skin is an organ. It is, in fact, the largest organ of the body. Every cell in every organ of the human body must receive electrical (nerve) energy to remain in a state of health, and this organ is no exception. There is, indeed, a nerve supply to the skin itself, and, as Pottenger states, “The structures of the skin, as far as physiologists have been able to determine, possess only sympathetic nerves receiving innervation from the thoracic (dorsal) and upper three lumbar segments.”

Therefore, from the first dorsal down to the third lumbar, a total of fifteen vertebral segments, there is a relationship between the spine and the structures of the skin by way of the nerves that emanate from between these vertebrae. Due to this anatomical-physiological fact, spinal adjustments can indeed benefit dermal structures, whether or not a skin disease is actually present.

I hope this helps anyone looking for alternative therapies to commercial steroidal creams and that sort of shit, which only work temporarily while leaving your skin thin as hell.

Memorial Day Weekend Forecast: Shit

This weekend is looking like rain with a chance of shit balls. So take advantage of this last opportunity to get your beach belly ready for the big reveal! I’m around all weekend, folks. Make your gravity colonic appointment for Saturday or Sunday 🙂

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Doo Shit At Home! A Pilates & Poop Workshop…

You may already be aware that I am a big fan of Pilates…and especially its founder, Joseph Pilates. Literally a freak of nature, Joseph Pilates was a circus performer, bodybuilder, professional boxer and self defense trainer. Born in Germany, he moved to England in 1912 to box and teach self defense at police schools. When Britain entered World War I, British authorities sent Pilates and his fellow German colleagues to an internment camp (aka war prison) as enemy aliens, where he continued to study the body through his work with the other inmates. It was here that Pilates really advanced his body of work, rigging springs to hospital beds and creating all kinds of contraptions so that even bedridden inmates could rehabilitate and strengthen their bodies and thus, their immunity. Incredibly, none of his students succumbed to the 1918 influenza outbreak that took many lives around the world, especially those living in close quarters such as inmates of internment camps.

Joseph Pilates’ obsession with health began early in life. He suffered from asthma, rickets and rheumatic fever. His father was an award winning gymnast and his mother a naturopath of sorts. So it only seemed natural that he obsessively studied anatomy, body conditioning and animals in the wild (okay, thats a little weird, but ironically forward-thinking nonetheless) as a means of restoring his health. He became completely obsessed with building both physical and mental strength, believing that modern lifestyle, poor posture and poor breathing were responsible for illness. The Pilates method of physical exercise incorporates attention to breath work, stretching and strengthening.

Lastly, and of utmost importance, Pilates had quite the figure well into his 80s. Nothing tones your core like the Pilates method and of course, a good poop…

I’m all about doing shit at home! Please join me at Power House Pilates just down the hallway from the Doody Free shop at the Brunswick Center on Sunday, April 30th for a two hour workshop beginning at 11am. There will be Pilates, poop and libations. It’s only $25 and filling up fast! You will leave with a simple, effective routine you can do at home, my favorite enema bag and a fun buzz…email me for bookings 🙂

boy doing pilates at home

 

Put Your Best Shit Forward

I have a confession: I’m a hypocrite. One of my pet peeves is everyone’s portrayal of perfection on social media, yet I only put my best shit forward as well. You’ve seen my cat, Micro, peeing and pooping like a champ day in and day out on my Instagram Story. She effortlessly hops up on my squatty potty and circles the rim of the toilet seat until she finds a comfortable seat on the edge to squat down and handle her business.

Here’s the shit you don’t see…

social media bloopers

 

Micro was actually consistently going to the toilet until she was spayed just a few weeks ago. Forced to wear the “Cone of Shame,” she had no peripheral vision, so the toilet was out of the question. For the week, I returned the litter box, which confused her a bit. She would pee and poo in it most of the time. That week was actually the first time I ever worried about her peeing everywhere: she tagged her scratchpads, bed, toy and the floor. Now I can recognize the smell of cat pee – it’s fucking disgusting. But guess what gets rid of it? You guessed it…distilled white vinegar.

So we’re back to square one. I opened up a brand new CitiKitty and filled it up with litter for Potty Training 101. Micro is back to peeing and pooping on the toilet, with just a few shit streaks here and there. I’m cool with that…cat pee not so much.

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I felt obligated to write this post for obvious reasons and because I don’t want anyone trying to train their kitty to use the toilet to get discouraged. Think about all the resources (money, GMO corn, bentonite clay, trees) you’ll be saving and above all, litter contains known carcinogens and for the most part is non-biodegradable! Micro didn’t learn to mostly pee and poo in the toilet overnight. It takes a lot of patience, encouragement, and reinforcement with treats, but no more time than it would take to scoop shit out of the litter everyday and then sweep up litter dust from your floors everyday (fuck that).

On a more serious note, I recently listened to Simon Sinek’s enlightening talk about Millennials in the Workplace and how they are a remarkably depressed and insecure generation, which can be directly blamed on social media. I’m forever thankful to only have been exposed to AIM (AOL instant messenger) in college for which to stalk crushes and girls who were cramping my style. I remember only having a literal Facebook and an Internet search engine (googling wasn’t a verb then) to investigate strangers. There were hardly any visuals, but thanks be to Peoplefinder.com, I was able to figure out astrological compatibility!! I resisted Friendster, which was only to be replaced by Facebook towards the end of my senior year of college in 2004. I didn’t quite grasp its relevance nor would I have never predicted the scope in which its broadened communication, encouraged new social networks like Instagram, or revolutionized targeted marketing. Not only are Millennials subject to the perfection pressure from peers, but they are subject to false advertising by asshole corporations.

So what I’m trying to say is, I apologize if my social media makes my bathroom life look perfect. It is anything butt…