Fertility and Shit…

As with any weight loss journey, I believe the first step in one’s fertility journey should be cleaning out your system. A deep clean speeds everything up (ie metabolism, conception) because it removes the heavy burden of digesting old ass shit, freeing your body to receive nutrients, burn off excess and ultimately produce results. While few clients lose actual weight after a colonic, most clients feel a noticeable difference in how their clothes fit, while the physical reset and energetic high encourages proactive measures to create and sustain transformational lifestyle goals. By the same token, many clients are referred to me by their nutritionists as a means to reset/balance their hormones in order to conceive since society as a whole is struggling with estrogen dominance thanks to our overuse of plastic and constant exposure to environmental toxins.

That said, I want to share some tips and thoughts on how to prime your body for baby-making as well as delivery. Eating as much plant-based whole food as you’re willing and able to is optimal for clearing out the gunk in your trunk. This means recognizable food from the Earth: greens, veggies (this includes legumes), fruits, and whole grains (rice, quinoa, spelt, etc). Getting colonics regularly is always a good idea whether that is annually or monthly (it’s a personal preference, some people like to ramp up the frequency when trying to conceive). Getting colonics while pregnant is only advised after first trimester if you’d been getting them regularly beforehand. Many people opt for enemas instead. I personally couldn’t wait to get my monthly colonics second trimester to alleviate some of the pressure on my vag and create a little more room for my Buddha baby! And speaking of more room, I’m a firm believer in the right chiropractic adjustment during pregnancy. I started going back to my chiropractor at least twice a month once I hit second trimester to help open my hips. For even deeper hip opening, I continued practicing yoga regularly. Yoga not only helped keep me limber for as long as possible (a daily practice at first slowly became a weekly practice during third trimester), it eased my nausea during first trimester.

Stress is obviously a factor when it comes to preconception. Women are waiting later and later to have kids (myself included). I was always on the fence about having children. In fact, it was a hard NO for me up until last year (only kidding, more like two years ago). My college essay was actually titled “I Am Never Having Children” and I credit that essay for granting me admission to schools I had no business applying to. When I met my partner a few years ago, I knew I wanted to have his baby and so I did. We weren’t actively trying, but we also weren’t actively being careful. And while a laissez faire attitude is definitely helpful, it’s probably not a reality for many women pushing 40 (I had my daughter right before I turned 39 last year). For that reason, I believe massage, acupuncture, bioenergy work and long walks are not only critical for an enjoyable pregnancy, but for stress management preconception. Once pregnant, I got prenatal massages weekly and prenatal acupuncture on a monthly basis to ease all of the bodily stress from the crazy changes happening internally. I received bioenergy work each trimester with Joanne, who I wrote about in an earlier blog post. Bioenergy and biomagnetism is an extraordinary practice that can clear both you and your baby of some deep inner baggage. Although I could hardly walk by the middle of third trimester, I recommend pushing yourself to go on long walks in nature as often as possible. This kept me fit for labor while introducing my system and my baby to diverse bacteria, which boosts immunity. If I do this all over again, I would see my pelvic floor specialist as soon as walking becomes difficult (I didn’t go until six weeks postpartum and it was a game-changer even then!).

As far as supplements, most supplements are not recommended during pregnancy and breastfeeding. Find yourself a good prenatal vitamin you trust for the second you think about conceiving as well as throughout pregnancy. I took Ritual’s vegan prenatal and am currently taking their postnatal vitamin. I also take both Metagenics Ultraflora Immune Booster (targeting respiratory health, which is critical during allergy season in a Coronavirus pandemic) and Ultraflora Womens probiotics to ensure optimal vaginal health (remember baby’s immune system starts with your vaginal flora).

Last, but certainly not least…whether you are gunning for a hippie home birth or a natural birth in a hospital with or without epidural/induction, find your ass a doula. I share my entire labor story in a prior post featuring the role of my doula (I had no idea what a doula was before). And do your back and shoulders a favor by getting this Adjustable Nursing Pillow by my favorite postpartum brand, Frida Mom.

Categories: Colonics, Pregnancy Poo

It’s Time For Some New Shit…

I am excited to announce that Elayne (not pronounced “Elaine,” but “eh-line-ay”), is joining the Doody Free Girl team! For six years, I never even entertained the idea of hiring anyone until my colleague Vania Bencosme (who I adore and is an amazing colon therapist in NYC) recommended her good friend and mentee, Elayne. Elayne’s magic hands are now officially on the schedule Thursday thru Saturday, while I am in Monday thru Wednesday. Text or email to book your next colonic appointment.

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Categories: Colonics

Butt Implants

The colon is responsible for absorbing liquid from the waste it is processing, essentially baking your shit into a solid Yule log. So by that very same token, your colon readily absorbs some of the water that is used to flush the colon during a colonic. And using that logic, I’ve decided to start administering wheatgrass, chlorophyll, probiotic and aloe implants to nourish your ass during treatment.

Since the colon is relatively alkaline especially when compared to the acidity of the stomach, it can potentially absorb nutrients more readily. This is why the famous Hippocrates Center in Florida touts the benefits of wheatgrass implants for the instant replenishment of electrolytes, minerals, amino acids and chlorophyll when working with chronically ill patients. I like to add extra chlorophyll to the implants because chlorophyll is known to heal the gut, detoxify the body of residual medication, deodorize the body from the inside out, oxygenate and build blood. It also helps “arrest the growth and development of unfriendly bacteria,” which contributes to the maintenance of a more desirable gut environment that colonics help achieve. So at the end of the colonic, it makes perfect sense to strengthen the gut environment with an injection of Metagenics Ultraflora Balance probiotics. Lastly, I implant a little bit of aloe, which is proven to heal the gut lining and lubricate/calm the bowels.

Aside from immediate absorption, an added bonus of the implants is that you don’t have to taste anything that goes up your ass! We all know wheatgrass, chlorophyll and aloe taste like shit, so best to just stick them right up the shitter! However, a common implant that I believe is best consumed orally is coffee. I get calls all the time asking if I employ coffee enemas and the answer is no because I find them to be too acidic and stimulating from the instant absorption of caffeine. This is why “butt chugging” alcohol was such a trend in colleges just a few years ago. While I believe coffee enemas have their place in rehab centers and holistic cancer therapies due to their liver detoxing abilities, I believe they are little aggressive for regular use.

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Categories: Colonics, Smells

Great Minds Shit Alike.

I had the honor of talking shit with one of my health and colonic mentors, Mike Perrine, on his EveryDayDetox podcast. Mike is the owner of Vitality NYC, where I work on the first Tuesday of every month. You can book me for a colonic in NYC on the Vitality NYC website. Hope you enjoy listening to our chat!

 

Stranger Than Colonics

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I’ve been singing Joanne Baldwin’s praises to just about anyone who will listen because I personally feel a responsibility to anyone who could benefit from her work, no matter how much crazier it makes me seem. Joanne has been a client of mine for years since I worked full time in NYC. I’ve seen her through her journey of mastering Biomagnetism over the years as she’s traveled both near and far to apprentice under the masters. I’ve always appreciated her insatiable appetite for alternative knowledge and her impressive dedication to understanding the human body as we don’t know it because…well, I like weird shit.

When I first met Joanne, however, she was always talking about babies and kids, which is not my favorite subject unless we are talking about pregnancy, labor and other reasons I shouldn’t have any. But for some reason, I love talking about kids with Joanne. She is a trained Doula and had specialized in Optimal Fertility and Preconception Detoxification, so naturally, I had a million questions for this bitch during her colonics.Biomagnetism biomagnetic master

The more I’ve gotten to know Joanne, the more I’ve gotten to love and trust this saint. Not only do she and her mother volunteer every single year at an orphanage in India and again in the States to follow up with those who’ve been adopted, but when I first met Joanne, she was a full-time nanny to an autistic child who she sincerely adored. She was on a mission to learn the causes of his condition and how life can improve for this young boy. Her love for this child seemed to drive her passion for detox as his parents exposed her to some of the top alternative doctors in NYC who centered their practices on detoxification and herbal tinctures.

One of said doctors introduced Joanne to Biomagnetism and unbeknownst to all, Joanne’s purpose in life. I’m not the best at articulating what exactly Biomagnetism is, so here is what Joanne’s website says verbatim:

 

Biomagnetism is a revolutionary, scientific and therapeutic approach which helps to facilitate the detoxification and elimination of pathogens, toxins and stress in the body. 

The life you are living has been shaped not only by your personal circumstances and experiences but also your ancestry and DNA. They all contribute to the building blocks of your internal programming and create your belief system. 

This belief system is structuring and running your life. Everything you are experiencing right now; the good, the bad, the things you do and react to, will all be rooted in, and therefore projected from the programming. This determines the health, wealth and success that you experience. 

Your internal programming defines and determines many areas of your life including: health – physical & mental, love life, career, relationships, enjoyment, addictions and potential.

In order to thrive, your life needs to be in balance and that is where Joanne and her magnets come in. You can eat all the right foods and exercise daily but if there are underlying conflicts in your body then overall wellbeing won’t be achieved. 

So basically, you can potentially blame your lineage for symptoms such as feelings of inadequacy or even chronic lower back pain. The Atlantic wrote an interesting piece diving deeper into the symptoms experienced by younger generations that potentially result from famine or war experienced by generations past. This exciting new field presents a completely different way to look at our bodies..and perhaps, our suffering. This all sounds like some past life regression bullshit that I generally avoid, and I guess in a way it is…minus the bullshit.

While Joanne feels that one Biomagnetism session is adequate for clients to receive benefit, I had to have a second session because I could not believe what happened after our first session. My lower back fatigue that I’ve experienced from a young age completely disappeared. I cannot remember a day where my lower back didn’t feel strained from being on my feet all day. It was never back pain, just a pain in the ass. In fact, I never even thought it was an issue! Up until a few months ago, I couldn’t remember going to a concert without having to lean on something to stretch my lower back a bit or straight up hoping the show was over sooner than later so I could go home and lay down.

During my Biomagnetism session, my body guided Joanne to my kidney (she literally talks to your feet!). She says kidney issues are commonly confused for back issues. Bloating/swelling and lower back pain can be an indication that your kidneys are not functioning optimally. I generally felt swelling in my legs, which was an issue I told her about. After my treatment, I peed like a racehorse and my lower back fatigue immediately dissolved. I also experience much less swelling in my legs. According to my “reading,” I can blame an incident that happened to my grandmother on my father’s side when she was 29 years old that subconsciously created a specific coding in her body (and consequently, our lineage) to deal with the emotions she experienced from her situation. Ironically, one of the emotions I released is “someone is to blame,” along with “victim,” “feeling misunderstood,” “my identity is fragile and uncertain” and “feeling like an outsider.” Sensations that I released are “lack,” “unhappiness,” “betrayal” and “humiliation.” I haven’t had much time to really sit with any of this, but I can tell you my back is feeling brand spanking new, which is an apparent manifestation of these emotions.

It gets even weirder because Joanne lives in London. She does this work remotely. I cannot recommend this magician enough. Email her at joanne@fortheloveofbalance.co.uk and prepare to detox your ass of the past.

Sugar Addiction

I’ve always had a sweet tooth. Growing up, my parents had to bribe me to eat my Abuela’s Cuban food by promising dessert after. I’m 36 years old now and I still love finishing dinner off with a sweet treat. Thank God sugar is healthy!

Not all sugar was created equal, but luckily, you can satisfy your sugar cravings healthfully. The two best ways to do this is by substituting either breakfast or lunch (or both) with a green smoothie and/or a green juice. People are always freaking the fuck out about the sugar content in fresh green juices because juices do not contain any fiber. No one has a better response to this concern than my mentor, Tom DeVito, who healed himself naturally of grand mal seizures by eating sugary fruits and drinking green juices all the live long day for the last 25+ years:

“Sugar: the so-called villain of the American diet just happens to be the only substance, (other than oxygen) the human cell requires for food! This important sugar comes from primarily fruits and secondarily, green leafy vegetables. In addition, fruit sugar cleanses the bloodstream. Chlorophyll builds blood cells. The molecular structures of hemoglobin and chlorophyll are identical. The body converts the green stuff to the red stuff rather easily and rapidly! And that, my friends, is why so-called diet experts making villains of actual, real human fuel, should be treated exactly as they are: clueless fools who studied fiction from a book and didn’t live a health transformation, by way of deep tissue cleansing, whole foods and a plant-based diet! They read some books, perhaps got a degree and live the same lie as everyone else. Counting imaginary values from fake foods which provide little to no value but rather harm, while vacillating between losing an inch and gaining a pound. Don’t allow fiction writers to teach you about your health. Allow your body to experience real food in a depolluted environment. Begin your personal journey and feel it for yourself. There is the classroom, the textbook, the truth.”

In fact, did you know that all animals have a sweet tooth? And those who do not anymore can thank evolution. So let’s return to nature and take it easy on the processed sugary foods. If you are experiencing insatiable cravings for cakes and unnatural shit, you are suffering from dysbiosis, where an imbalance of good:bad bacteria exists. The best remedy for eliminating the dominance of shitty bacteria is evacuation (aka colonics) and replenishment with probiotics. Those cravings will quickly disappear once you start feeding your healthy bacteria with real food (i.e.  plant food).

Colonics are also important when eating natural sugar because fruit and vegetable sugars are extremely cleansing. We are not exactly burning sugar off anymore like other primates, so elimination is more vital than ever. It is when we do not eliminate the waste natural sugar generate in the body that we experience disease, not because of the mere ingestion of the sugar.

Additionally, fruit/vegetable sugar highs are never followed by a mid-day crash and burn. One important tip when it comes to drinking fresh juices and smoothies is to always ingest them on an empty stomach to ensure instant delivery to the cells via the bloodstream. Make sure to “chew” your drink and your smoothies because enzymes and bacteria in the mouth initiate proper digestion and assimilation.

natural sugar green smoothie

 

My latest obsession is the Omega juicer. I’ve always used a Breville centrifugal juicer, but the Omega juicer extracts way more juice and nutrients from your fruits and veggies. In fact, it is so efficient it can extract juice from wheatgrass and it can even make nut butters! It’s also more fun to use and a lot easier to dispose of the pulp when I need to make more than two juices. You can get one for $260 at Bed, Bath & Beyond (don’t forget to ask for the 20% discount at checkout). My current favorite 32 ounce organic green juice recipe will cost you under $6.50 at Whole Foods. Simply juice an entire 2 pound bag of organic carrots, half of a bunch of organic dandelion greens, and half of an organic fennel bulb. 

In my last blog post, I also promised I would share my current favorite smoothie recipe that keeps me full all day long until dinner. I’ll either milk a juice or a smoothie all day long (not both). I recommend the Vitamix blender as I’ve heard no other blender comes close to blending celery like this machine. Blend three stalks of organic celery, one whole banana, two handfuls of organic spinach, one whole mango, one cup of filtered water, 1.5 tablespoons of Vitamineral Green and 1 tablespoon of organic flax seeds.

Hope this shit was informative. xoxo jen

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: Colonics, Vegan

Veganism and Boobies

I’ve been in and out of veganism for the last ten years and recently re-committed about a year and a half ago for not only vanity and health motivations, but environmentalism and animal rights motivations. There is no question that eliminating meat and dairy (even grass-fed and “free-range”) from your diet results in a reduction of excess sodium, antibiotics, hormones, GMOs and mucus in your system. Additionally, the meat and dairy industry are the biggest players in land degradation, carbon emissions and animal cruelty in the history of mankind. However, this post is about another pressing issue: boobies.

I’ve always had small training bra-size boobs that I’ve always been comfortable with (I’m almost 36 years old, yet favor a training bra). When I stopped eating meat and dairy in my mid twenties, I stopped getting severe menstrual cramps and my boobs stayed consistently small even around my period. I not only stopped eating meat and dairy, but I had also given up cooked food all together because I became obsessed with the integrity of raw foods. This health obsession ironically became the unhealthiest period of my life. It took me about two years to realize that my diet was making me an anxious person, at which point, I adopted even unhealthier eating patterns in an effort to erase my anxious raw vegan identity. So over the last ten years, I went from being raw vegan to vegan to vegetarian to pescatarian to carnivore, then back to vegetarian and now vegan with a love (not obsession) for raw foods.  And through these phases, I can definitively say my boobs were most tender and grew to adult size during my carnivorous phase.

While this may encourage women to eat meat, sudden breast enlargement can signal estrogen dominance, which may cause breast cancer and man boobies. There are easy ways to reduce exposure to excess estrogen in our system. These include eating processed soy products, meat and dairy in moderation, eating organic, drinking filtered water (not in a plastic bottle), giving your nails a breather from nail polish, using truly natural body products and cosmetics and exploring natural methods of birth control. Most importantly, it is crucial to monitor our elimination because poor elimination increases the load on your liver, which is responsible for metabolizing estrogen out of our bodies. Unplug your rancid hormones with a colonic and consider a future liver cleanse.

potty training vegan pig with litter box
Pigs are the shit! Shout out to Billie, who potty trained himself!

Lead Poisoning

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In a past life, I was a realtor in Miami Beach. I totally sucked at it and felt completely unfulfilled as a result (or the cause?). It felt like my life was a series of annoying people and different lockbox sequences (insider tip: you can usually guess the code by trying different combinations of the current year and the address because…realtors). But I must admit I learned a few things of value in real estate school.

My real estate professor was the shit. I forget his name, but I will always remember his teachings because he was honest and funny as hell. He proudly declared at the beginning of the course that while dumb, he knows how to pass tests and had come to teach us thy ways. Basically, he spoke my language. A crash course in silly pneumonic devices proved successful in passing an exam and left me with some useless knowledge. For instance, the Statute of Frauds requires that certain contracts be memorialized in writing. He taught us to remember this by thinking of the word “frogs” instead of “frauds.” Frogs make the sound “ribbit, ribbit,” which he would sound as “write it, write it.” This pneumonic device is dumb as hell, but 12+ years later, I still remember this shit!

Another tip I learned involved lead poisoning. Houses built before 1978 were most likely painted with paint that contained toxic amounts of lead. Children are most susceptible to lead poisoning from paint because when they’re not smearing boogers everywhere, they’re sticking shit in their mouths. Eating lead paint chips or dirt infused with a high amount of lead can lead to a host of health issues such as learning disabilities, kidney damage, hearing damage, neurological damage, seizures and even death. Therefore, homebuyers must sign a waiver acknowledging the potential existence of lead with the option to have a lead inspection performed within ten days for an accurate cost analysis.

There are measures to prevent and remedy the existence of lead in your home if you have children. You can hire a certified lead abatement contractor to seal in the lead-based paint on your walls with a coat of nontoxic paint. This is probably the most cost-effective and healthy remedy. Alternatively, removing the paint can create a lot of toxic dust. If the soil around your home is contaminated, you may want to plant some grass over it to keep your child from eating the soil.

My real estate professor dismissed the severity of lead poisoning for those who do not have children. “Open the windows and air out every once in a while.” This is something you should do regardless of whether or not lead is present in your home. The insulation in your walls, wood finishings, cleaners, your furniture etc are full of all kinds of other toxins like acetone, carbon monoxide and formaldehyde. It is wise to open your windows upon waking every morning for at least ten minutes and to keep some air-filtering plants in the house. If you have a garden outside, you won’t need to worry too much about lead toxicity in your produce except for leafy greens.

There is also something you can do on the daily to assist in heavy metal detox. Chlorella has been proven to be an effective heavy metal binder. Not only is it an amazing detoxifier, but it is chock-full of minerals and chlorophyll, which is the ultimate blood cleanser. It is also an amazing source of protein, iron and zinc. I recommend taking this supplement everyday and getting a colonic monthly to assist in eliminating metals from the body. My favorite brand is Vega, a reputable vegan brand that is affordable and widely available in both health stores and online.

lead detox vegan chlorella

In conclusion, my real estate career wasn’t a complete waste of time after all…

Memorial Day Weekend Forecast: Shit

This weekend is looking like rain with a chance of shit balls. So take advantage of this last opportunity to get your beach belly ready for the big reveal! I’m around all weekend, folks. Make your gravity colonic appointment for Saturday or Sunday 🙂

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Come Celebrate Brown Friday!

This Friday is the Second Annual Brown Friday Celebration. In honor of my clients, I suppress the urge to indulge in retail therapy in order to offer a post-Thanksgiving cathartic experience to all. I’m not promoting binging and purging, but Thanksgiving is filled with lots of love and in many families, love is also known as force-feeding. So there’s no need to blame your family for feeling like shit the next day, just get it out with a good ‘ol anal cleansing. Book your colonic appointment, yo!

 

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