Stranger Than Colonics


I’ve been singing Joanne Baldwin’s praises to just about anyone who will listen because I personally feel a responsibility to anyone who could benefit from her work, no matter how much crazier it makes me seem. Joanne has been a client of mine for years since I worked full time in NYC. I’ve seen her through her journey of mastering Biomagnetism over the years as she’s traveled both near and far to apprentice under the masters. I’ve always appreciated her insatiable appetite for alternative knowledge and her impressive dedication to understanding the human body as we don’t know it because…well, I like weird shit.

When I first met Joanne, however, she was always talking about babies and kids, which is not my favorite subject unless we are talking about pregnancy, labor and other reasons I shouldn’t have any. But for some reason, I love talking about kids with Joanne. She is a trained Doula and had specialized in Optimal Fertility and Preconception Detoxification, so naturally, I had a million questions for this bitch during her colonics.Biomagnetism biomagnetic master

The more I’ve gotten to know Joanne, the more I’ve gotten to love and trust this saint. Not only do she and her mother volunteer every single year at an orphanage in India and again in the States to follow up with those who’ve been adopted, but when I first met Joanne, she was a full-time nanny to an autistic child who she sincerely adored. She was on a mission to learn the causes of his condition and how life can improve for this young boy. Her love for this child seemed to drive her passion for detox as his parents exposed her to some of the top alternative doctors in NYC who centered their practices on detoxification and herbal tinctures.

One of said doctors introduced Joanne to Biomagnetism and unbeknownst to all, Joanne’s purpose in life. I’m not the best at articulating what exactly Biomagnetism is, so here is what Joanne’s website says verbatim:


Biomagnetism is a revolutionary, scientific and therapeutic approach which helps to facilitate the detoxification and elimination of pathogens, toxins and stress in the body. 

The life you are living has been shaped not only by your personal circumstances and experiences but also your ancestry and DNA. They all contribute to the building blocks of your internal programming and create your belief system. 

This belief system is structuring and running your life. Everything you are experiencing right now; the good, the bad, the things you do and react to, will all be rooted in, and therefore projected from the programming. This determines the health, wealth and success that you experience. 

Your internal programming defines and determines many areas of your life including: health – physical & mental, love life, career, relationships, enjoyment, addictions and potential.

In order to thrive, your life needs to be in balance and that is where Joanne and her magnets come in. You can eat all the right foods and exercise daily but if there are underlying conflicts in your body then overall wellbeing won’t be achieved. 

So basically, you can potentially blame your lineage for symptoms such as feelings of inadequacy or even chronic lower back pain. The Atlantic wrote an interesting piece diving deeper into the symptoms experienced by younger generations that potentially result from famine or war experienced by generations past. This exciting new field presents a completely different way to look at our bodies..and perhaps, our suffering. This all sounds like some past life regression bullshit that I generally avoid, and I guess in a way it is…minus the bullshit.

While Joanne feels that one Biomagnetism session is adequate for clients to receive benefit, I had to have a second session because I could not believe what happened after our first session. My lower back fatigue that I’ve experienced from a young age completely disappeared. I cannot remember a day where my lower back didn’t feel strained from being on my feet all day. It was never back pain, just a pain in the ass. In fact, I never even thought it was an issue! Up until a few months ago, I couldn’t remember going to a concert without having to lean on something to stretch my lower back a bit or straight up hoping the show was over sooner than later so I could go home and lay down.

During my Biomagnetism session, my body guided Joanne to my kidney (she literally talks to your feet!). She says kidney issues are commonly confused for back issues. Bloating/swelling and lower back pain can be an indication that your kidneys are not functioning optimally. I generally felt swelling in my legs, which was an issue I told her about. After my treatment, I peed like a racehorse and my lower back fatigue immediately dissolved. I also experience much less swelling in my legs. According to my “reading,” I can blame an incident that happened to my grandmother on my father’s side when she was 29 years old that subconsciously created a specific coding in her body (and consequently, our lineage) to deal with the emotions she experienced from her situation. Ironically, one of the emotions I released is “someone is to blame,” along with “victim,” “feeling misunderstood,” “my identity is fragile and uncertain” and “feeling like an outsider.” Sensations that I released are “lack,” “unhappiness,” “betrayal” and “humiliation.” I haven’t had much time to really sit with any of this, but I can tell you my back is feeling brand spanking new, which is an apparent manifestation of these emotions.

It gets even weirder because Joanne lives in London. She does this work remotely. I cannot recommend this magician enough. Email her at and prepare to detox your ass of the past.

Breastmilk Is For Babies.

Last year for my birthday, my brother gifted me a 23andMe heredity kit to see if we were, in fact, related. Turns out we are both definitively at least 50% “East Asian & Native American,” which apparently puts me down for “likely lactose intolerant.” I honestly never thought about this. I knew that certain cultures, specifically African Americans and Asians, are generally lactose intolerant. But even though I am genetically predisposed to dairy intolerance, I never gave it a second thought because…well…Got Milk?

too old for dairy

Let’s state the obvious: milk comes from titties! As a baby, you probably breastfed for a few months or maybe even a year or two. If you were me, it only took a week for your mother to say, “fuck this shit” and quickly embrace the convenience of baby formula.

I’m all about breastfeeding if that option is available. According to WebMD, studies have shown that exclusively breastfeeding for up to six months can result in fewer respiratory illnesses, ear infections and bouts of diarrhea. It also can help prevent allergies and asthma. Breastmilk is essentially a natural vaccination as it contains antibiotics that help babies fight infection and disease. However, breastfeeding hurts like hell and not every woman is able to do it for various reasons, so I respect every woman’s decision to breastfeed or not to breastfeed. After all, I was breastfed for one week and didn’t turn out so bad, right? 😉

But let’s examine this scenario with regards to whether or not we should be eating dairy as grown adults: the most one will typically breastfeed is for up to six months, maybe a year. You could even breastfeed for a few years if you and your mother are so inclined because your body is still producing lactase (the enzyme responsible for digesting milk) until you are about four years old, when you will most likely have a full set of teeth (ouch!). Once you turn four years old, your production of lactase drastically decreases, and in some people, it completely stops. So it is no wonder most adults feel bloated and constipated when they eat too much dairy. Additionally, most adults are not ingesting human milk, but cow’s dairy, which contains the casein protein, a known carcinogen according to The China Study by Dr. T. Colin Campbell.

Aside from our physiological evolution, let’s look at the milk itself. Not only is it cruel and unusual punishment to force a cow (or a human) to breastfeed for life, but it is completely unnatural. It is so unnatural, in fact, that hormones and antibiotics must be pumped into these poor animals in order for them to produce enough milk to feed not just a baby calf, but the human race. Consequently, the cow’s udders are squeezed so forcefully that a generous amount of pus and blood is extracted, which is an excellent reason to pasteurize milk. Trust me, this shit ain’t healthy. It causes severe inflammation in the body.

I believe most people instinctually know that dairy is unhealthy and the first thing people tell me when they are trying to lose weight or trying to become vegan is that they are addicted to cheese. I have great news! There are soooo many good cheese alternatives today! Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels, so you won’t be missing that puss-filled shit when you are winning at life. If you are in the NYC area, I encourage you to visit Riverdel Cheese Shop in Brooklyn just to get an idea of how many different puss-free cheeses are out there! Otherwise, many of these brands can be found in specialty health shops and Whole Foods nationwide.

Miyokos Kitchen: my favorite flavor Black Ash, Smoked Farmhouse and Mozz. They also have an excellent vegan butter.

Kite Hill: available at most Whole Foods mixed in with the regular gourmet cheeses. They make the absolute BEST vegan cream cheese – my favorite it the jalapeno.  Kite Hill also makes different varieties of almond cheese including cream cheeses, soft cheeses and ricotta. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE their mushroom ricotta ravioli!

Violife: the best shreds for your homemade pizza. Also, the best vegan feta cheese!

Treeline Treenut Cheese: widely available in most health food stores, TreeLine makes a whole line of nut cheeses. My favorite flavors are cracked pepper and chipotle-serrano pepper.

Parmela Creamery: this company makes delicious shredded cheese for tacos and other recipes. They also make a good sliced American cheese among others.


Charcoal for Your Ass and Teeth!

Activated charcoal seems to be all the rage this year. Being in the ass business, I’ve learned from Tom DeVito that activated charcoal should be recommended for food poisoning and from Mike Perrine that it can used for heavy metal detox as well. I have also learned from a client that it can help with excessive gas, but if too much is taken, you may find yourself tweezing dehydrated black turds out of your anus with your fingers.

So given the above information, I find it not only interesting, but counter-intuitive that charcoal is now being used as an ingredient in ice creams, bagels, tea, waffles, pizza, juices and lattes. Just because it’s instagram-worthy, doesn’t mean you should ingest it. Activated charcoal is so strong, it is also used by doctors for drug overdoses. The charcoal actually binds to everything in your system, which sounds like an effective insta-detox, but this means you are also detoxing vitamins, minerals and medications from your system as well. It’s been shown to minimize the effectiveness of medications and even birth control!

charcoal ice cream

So while I’m not buying into this fad, I must admit I use charcoal everyday. The one product I am not mad at is activated charcoal toothpaste! You’ve probably seen the Instagram ads for charcoal tooth powder, which I find a bit messy, so I am excited to have discovered the toothpaste. It comes in three flavors (I love the cinnamon clove). I started using this toothpaste very recently on recommendation from a hygienist I visited at Modern Family Dentistry. I explored some natural whitening options with her because I was fed up with all of my tea stains and the ineffectiveness of soft bristle toothbrushes (recommended for those like me who have receding gum lines). The hygienist was not in favor of commercial whitening toothpastes or even baking soda because she believes they are too abrasive. She actually suggested oil pulling and charcoal (although she admitted she needed to research the abrasiveness of charcoal a little more). I have been oil pulling for a while now, but I do not always have 20 spare minutes every morning. I swear this toothpaste turns your teeth from black to white AF in just one use! This speaks to the power of charcoal and how it really should only be used in modern day emergencies like tea-stained teeth. Make sure to rinse well and scrape your black tongue 😉



Wet Dreams

I’m never one to analyze my dreams unless it’s something weird like giving birth, chewing gum sticking to the roof of my mouth or not being able to run away from danger. Apparently, I pop babies out pretty easily, but trying to scrape off chewing gum that’s melted all over the roof of my mouth and my teeth or running away from a murderer literally paralyzes me. I haven’t found one person that relates to me on the gum dream, so I turned to the Interwebs to learn that apparently, I’m having trouble digesting or processing something…ain’t that ironic?! Many people I’ve spoken to have had the “inability to run away from danger” dream. That one represents unconscious frustration or anxiety with a situation. I hate that dream because it causes me physical aches and pain, which signals to me that I am, in fact, dreaming, causing even more stress and anxiety.

Another dream that causes major stress and anxiety for me is having the urge to pee. A recurring dream of mine is having to piss myself with only the most disgusting bathroom available to me. Every fucking time, I am faced with a toilet that is so high that the option to hover is unavailable to my 5 foot [and 2 inches] ass. Additionally, the toilet is overflowing with toilet paper and piss. The water is running and the seat is covered in piss in every single stall! I always make an effort to hover anyway, and start tinkling only to have urine trickle down my thighs and someone else’s urine kiss the back of my knees. I never get to fully relieve myself and the frustration just keeps building. It is at this point that I usually wake up completely relieved that I did not relieve myself in my sheets.

So what does this mean? According to, it could symbolize a pun on my “pissy” attitude, a release of negative or repressed emotions, lack of self-worth, I’m about to have an emotional outburst, or perhaps I’m trying to mark my territory. Maybe all of the above? I guess we’ll find out soon, since I had this dream again last week…

Dried Up?

My mother has always justified her potato chip habit as a means of greasing her engines. Her mother would always tell her to eat oil to avoid feeling dry (must be some Chinese shit). Needless to say, I’ve grown up having no qualms about eating oil and love me some potato chips….new fave here.

So while potato chips may not be the greatest source of healthy fats, I cannot recommend eating fat enough. It is not only good for lubrication of the joints, but also of the intestines and our brain. Our culture is lacking in Omega 3s, which could significantly improve joint pain associated with rheumatoid arthritis, lower triglycerides (blood fat), lower inflammation (remarkably so with inflammatory bowel conditions) and also protect against Alzheimers and dementia. I got this info off of WebMd, which recommends supplementing with fish oils. However, with the advent of GMO salmon and farmed fish, it is becoming abundantly clear that we cannot blindly trust our food systems, not even those derived from the ocean. For more on this, please check out the one hour documentary Fillet Oh Fish on YouTube (but not while you’re eating!). Farmed fish exposure to pesticides and antibiotics is worse than our factory farmed animals and the fish industry is much less regulated. In fact, it is getting more and more difficult to discern which fish are truly wild and some companies are purposely mislabeling farmed fish as wild. Increased farmed fish consumption is being linked to cancer risks because of the higher fat content. Fat is where animals (including ourselves) store toxins, so these fattier fish are loaded with heavy metals, antibiotics and pesticides.


cold pressed local organic flax seed oil
Fresh, organic, locally cold pressed and delivered in a glass bottle!

An easy way to get your Omega 3s without worrying about nasty fish juice is to find a high quality organic cold-pressed flax seed oil and throw a tablespoon in your salad everyday. I feel super blessed to have recently learned of a local supplier in upstate NY called Oillee through one of my lovely clients. I love me a company with integrity… my flax seed oil was delivered a day after it was pressed! It doesn’t get much fresher than that, folks! I also appreciate that the oil comes in a dark glass bottle versus the brand I was previously consuming, which comes in a dark plastic bottle. If you need a good recipe, please refer to my post on Tom’s salad…just throw some oil in it!



Gas Blaster

Bitters has come up a lot lately. You’ll find these herbal concoctions at your homeopathic pharmacy, health food store and your local cocktail bar. Today is the second time a client has mentioned using Iberogast, a bitters digestif formulated in Germany that is only sold on Amazon. My client’s gastroenterologist actually prescribed it to her and it has helped get rid of her gas when taken before meals. I personally haven’t tried it yet, but it is a very natural product with quality ingredients I thought you could possibly benefit from. Another client also believes this has been very beneficial with digestion without experiencing any harsh side effects common to laxatives. Cheers!



Power of the Poo PODCAST

I’m very excited to be featured on Kimberly Snyder’s top-rated Beauty Inside Out iTunes podcast! Kimberly Snyder is not only a celebrity nutritionist living and breathing a compassionate, plant-based diet empowering each of her followers to achieve their highest self both physically and spiritually, but she is also responsible for putting gravity colonics on the global map.

When I was first turned onto gravity colonics, it felt like a secretive practice only for those “in the know.” I was even embarrassed to tell my parents I was partaking in this weirdness. My mission in establishing Doody Free Girl has always been to eliminate the shame game. Shaming is lame. Everyone deserves to poop in peace.

So please check out the POO-CAST and don’t keep me a secret by sharing this with all your friends and enemies. CLICK HERE AND ENJOY!



The Festival Poo

Talk about pooping at music festivals has come up a lot this past week. I guess it’s getting to be that time of year. One of my favorite clients just returned from the Envision Festival in Costa Rica. I’d like to think I can hang with dirty hippies, but everything about this festival looks like sheer smelly torture. At least 100 festival-goers left with a souvenir called E. Coli. So needless to say, the bathroom situation was dire. I imagine the attendees of this festival believe in a goods-exchange economy, where only goods or services are exchanged rather than money. So what does the dude cleaning the Porta-John get?  I suppose…E.Coli….and a hug?

So what is a girl to do when you can’t stop peeing out of your ass while sharing a tent constructed over wet soil. My first suggestion is to never put yourself in this shitty situation, but should you find yourself making bad decisions, carry a bottle of activated charcoal with you and some bread (but don’t get pissed when you find your tent-mate eating your bread sprinkled with some hallucinogenics). Also, get a colonic before leaving for your trip. My friend did as such and only got mildly sick compared to her friends. She got another colonic upon her return to get rid of whatever bug was still lurking in her system and left feeling brand new.

The truth is no one (including myself) wants to take a shit in a Porta John. Faced with a Porta John as my only option, I opt out. There’s something unappealing about dropping my lifestyle evidence on top of a collection of shit slowly fossilizing in a solution of blue chemicals. And there’s always the fear of being flipped over while trapped inside. That, my friend, has happened to someone of two degrees separation at a music festival where there were at least 100 Porta Johns, so by no means is this scenario an impossibility.

I’d rather dig a hole and cover my tracks…


All Points West Festival
The All Points West music festival in 2009. This was one of my favorite annual music festivals. I vote to bring it back especially since I would be able to run home if I needed to take a shit.



Constipation Tips


1. Get a gravity colonic.
Get the waste out quickly and effectively via a gravity colonic. Make sure it’s a gravity method colonic, which is the most gentle, natural method available. And if you’re not shy about sticking things up your rear, you may also want to try administering an enema at home to loosen things up. I have my own opinions on what type of enema to purchase, so make sure to read my blog!

2. Take a probiotic everyday.
Dr. Robynne Chutkan, a New York Times Best-Selling author, gastroenterologist and founder of the Digestive Center for Women, recommends the medical grade, high-powered probiotic called VSL#3 as well as eating plenty of fermented foods such as sauerkraut, kimchi and kefir to counter dysbiosis and create harmony in the body with regards to the ratio of good vs bad bacteria. While VSL#3 does not contain dairy in the final product, dairy was used to create the strains, so I would not consider VSL#3 a vegan probiotic. A good vegan probiotic is Metagenics UltraFlora Balance and UltraFlora Acute Care.

3. Eliminate cow dairy and wheat from your diet for one week.
Blue cheese with toffee fudge on a French baguette served at Jersey City’s Third and Vine is delicious. Trust me, I get it. I’m not asking that you eliminate anything forever, but playing around with elimination will help you to understand your body and its limits better. I know I cannot eat wheat and dairy every single day for a week and expect a killer bowel movement that week. Cow dairy specifically contains an undigestible protein called casein. If you cannot live without cheese for even one week, replace your cow dairy with goat or sheep dairy. Think Manchego or Feta cheese. I’ve also discovered a delicious nut-based cheese called Miyoko’s Kitchen. Wheat, on the other hand, would be well and good if we lived in a GMO free nation. We’ve become a greedy nation trying to replicate and capitalize on wheat at such an exponential rate, that our health is suffering the consequences. The quality of our wheat is completely degraded and potentially toxic. Try eliminating wheat for a week and see what happens. Replace with a cleaner grain such as millet, quinoa, amaranth or buckwheat. If you’re a baker, one of my favorite gluten-free friendly companies to purchase alternative flours from is Bob’s Red Mill.

4. Take digestive enzymes in between meals.
Digestive enzymes basically help digest our meals for us. I don’t find it as beneficial to eat them with the first bite of a meal as commonly recommended in the directions, but rather 20 minutes before a meal and/or in between meals as suggested by a client of mine. Metagenics makes a vegan digestive enzyme designed to break down gluten. They also have an excellent non-animal-derived digestive enzyme that breaks down everything else (carbs, fats, and lactose), but does contain dairy, so is not technically vegan.

5. Drink psyllium husk.
My clients always ask me about Metamucil and other over-the-counter fiber supplements. Many of these commercial brands contain psyllium husk as the active ingredient accompanied by coloring agents and other chemicals. My advice is to take plain psyllium husk, which can be found in your local health market. Psyllium husk is a natural soluble plant fiber that sweeps the intestinal tract. It is important to drink plenty of water when taking psyllium husk as it can have a constipating effect when not expelled in a timely fashion. One of my client’s mothers hypothesized that too much psyllium husk could potentially cause diverticulosis, a condition where pouches form in the colon due to pressure placed on the weaker walls of the colon. This is why I normally recommend getting colonics regularly while ingesting psyllium husk to ascertain that the fiber is not just absorbing waste matter in the intestinal tract and floating around your system potentially finding a permanent home there and creating a breeding ground for harmful bacteria. It leaves you feeling full, which makes it a great snack replacement especially if you’re trying to lose weight while taking a shit. As recommended by Dr. Robynne Chutkan, drink 1 teaspoon of finely ground psyllium husk once a day in the morning, mixed with at least 8 ounces of liquid and followed by an additional 8-ounce glass of water.

6. Eat stewed prunes.
I was always prune averse growing up because my grandmother once had me try her prune juice and it almost made me vomit. I must admit I was also food averse, earning myself the nickname “Junkfood Jenny” at a young age, so perhaps you would enjoy prune juice, but I definitely did not. I remember giving prunes (in dried form) another shot when I got older and thinking they were actually kind of good. Bonus: they make you shit. The best way to eat them to reap the laxative effects is stewed. Here’s an easy recipe for stewed prunes:

1 cup pitted dried plums (aka prunes)
1 cup water

In a saucepan, combine dried plums and water; bring to a boil. Cover and simmer 10 minutes.

7. Take a magnesium supplement.
Many of my clients benefit tremendously from taking a magnesium supplement in the evening. Much of our food is depleted of this muscle-relaxing, stool-softening mineral. I love Metagenics MetaRelax, a citrus powder that mixes with water and tastes delicious. Many of my clients also have success with MagO7, an oxygenated magnesium supplement that helps with bowel movement, but does not deliver enough magnesium to the bowels, so I recommend taking it in addition to MetaRelax. Another excellent way to receive the benefits of magnesium is to take a warm Epsom salt bath before going to sleep. I also recommend a topical magnesium spray called Ease for sore muscles. It works better than BenGay minus the chemicals!

8. Ingest peppermint oils.
I always keep a bottle of peppermint essential oil with me. It not only keeps my breath fresh, but it’s also antimicrobial and proven to move gas, bloating, crap, and encompasses a host of other digestive benefits. Place a few drops under your tongue and try to keep it in your mouth as long as possible. It will tingle a bit. There are also peppermint oil pills on the market such as Pepogest by Nature’s Way.

9. Stop eating tomatoes! Drink slippery elm tea and American saffron tea.
Someone whose practice I highly respect is Dr. John Pagano, who wrote the world renowned book, Healing Psoriasis. Dr. Pagano has cured countless patients of psoriasis through diet and bowel cleansing alone. He connects all skin disorders to bowel impaction and leaky gut syndrome or gut permeability. Not only does he recommend gravity colonics as a crucial first step to healing, but he recommends that one’s diet revolve around two kinds of foods, those that repair the gut lining and those that do not destroy it. I highly recommend that you pick up this truly insightful read. I learned some tips I’d never even heard of before like foregoing tomatoes (and all nightshade vegetables) at all costs! Apparently, tomatoes contain an enzyme that deteriorate the intestinal lining. The only two edibles Dr. Pagano believes protects the intestinal wall are slippery elm (powder) tea and American saffron tea.

10. Chew your drink.
The process of mastication kicks off your digestion. Technically, enzymes in your saliva are breaking down the starch in your food and your entire system reacts via gastrocolic reflex, which in short, is the urge to take a dump. This includes beverages. Ever wonder why you get gassy after ingesting one of those fresh veggie juices? You probably chugged the juice down and didn’t take a moment to taste it, allowing your salivary enzymes to break it down.

11. Take Vitamin C.
Vitamin C not only strengthens your immune system, but can be used to flush out your bowels. Emergen-C is great to take when you’re sick or getting on an airplane, especially if you cannot get your hands on C Salt (a new favorite). It has fewer additives, is non-acidic and GMO free. Make sure you do not refrigerate the bottle and that you only use a dry spoon to scoop it out. Drink at least one cup a day, working up to 4,000 mg/day. Your body will tell you when its reached its limit via diarrhea signal. Do not attempt this Vitamin C flush if you are pregnant. Another favorite Vitamin C product of mine is called Counter Attack by The Rainbow Light. I usually take this when I feel one of those pesky colds coming on and it usually helps stop the cold in its tracks.

12. Eat/drink lots and lots of olive oil!
Olive oil won’t make you fat, it will make you crap! To me, there is almost nothing better than a good quality Spanish or Italian olive oil [and a good crap]. Hopefully, you love it as much as I do because olive oil is one of the best ways to grease your engines. Drench your salad and veggies in this healthy oil and even drink a teaspoon before bed along with your magnesium supplement if you’re especially feeling backed up.

13. Stay hydrated.
You should be drinking filtered tap water, not bottled water. The amount of pharmaceuticals and chemicals running through our tap water may be constipating you and you simply cannot trust the source of bottled water or the BPA plastic bottles it is encased in. I am the proud owner of a Berkey Water Filter System. When I’m on the run, I try my best to purchase water sold in glass bottles. It’s a pain in the ass, but so is BPA poisoning.

14. Prepare flax seed tea and drink throughout the day.
If you drink two to three cups of flax seed tea a day, you will have great hair, smooth skin and golden poops. The slippery gelatinous texture of linseed (flax) tea allows the water to soften the stool in your system and encourage a movement. You basically boil 1 tablespoons of flax seeds in 2 1/2 cups of water then simmer for about 7 minutes. Strain the seeds and enjoy hot or cold.

15. Only eat when you’re hungry.
Why create a traffic jam? You don’t need to be hungry at breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. Trust your gut, not your mother on this one.

16. Squat!
Humans designed the toilet. God designed the woods. Our bodies were designed to squat (not sit) when we poop. The muscles surrounding your rectum squeeze your rectum to prevent you from crapping your pants. Thanks be to God! Squatting releases these muscles and allows more room for your load to drop. This also calls for less straining and as a result, less susceptibility to hemorrhoids. You can either put your feet up on your garbage or for a more comfortable squatting position, you can purchase a Step and Go toilet stool. And for the more advanced squatters, I recommend Nature’s Platform.

17. Take a chlorophyll supplement to mask any sort of body odor.
I always keep a stock of Nature’s Way Chlorofresh Chlorophyll Concentrate (Internal Deodorant) at home and when traveling. A client of mine told me she always eats two of these if she knows she is going to have a meal with a lot of garlic the night before her Soul Cycle class. Another client told me this stuff really helped her pubescent son with his tremendous body odor. I can attest that this helps with foul breath and fart odor after an Indian meal when taken right before the meal. Only use as needed and prepare for Jolly Green turds.

18. Stop taking painkillers and/or antibiotics in excess.
It is without a doubt that painkillers and antibiotics make you bloated and constipated. Antibiotics Work with your doctor to get you on the smallest dosage possible.

19. Quit chewing gum and sucking candies. Start chewing black licorice, fennel seeds and slippery elm lozenges.
Chewing gum tricks your body into thinking its about to ingest something. Your body contains a finite amount of enzymes and chewing gum stimulates the production of enzymes, which are essentially being wasted when you chew gum. This is in turn, creates gas, which contributes to constipation. I recommend replacing your chewing gum with an all natural soft black licorice like Panda’s. Licorice has many anti-inflammatory and anti-bacterial properties and has been used to treat ulcers and to alleviate stomach aches. While chewing on licorice candy won’t guarantee 100% of the benefits (it is candy after all), it’s an excellent substitute to chewing gum, which is mostly made of synthetic plastic. Another food to chew on are fennel seeds. I learned this from one of my idols, the Food Babe. She recommends chewing on 1/2 teaspoon after meals to freshen breath and then swallowing them. This isn’t for everyone, but give it a shot. Bonus: fennel seeds make you shit.

A healthy alternative to sucking candy is Thayer’s Slippery Elm Lozenges. When you feel your oral fixation getting the best of you, pop one or five of these in your mouth. I loooove the maple flavor. You will get a good amount of slippery elm root powder to coat your intestinal walls too!

20. Exercise.
Nothing gets rid of gas faster than an activity that uses your core muscles. If you’re regularly feeling bloated and/or constipated, address your level of inactivity. Are you walking enough each day? Just a 30 minute fast-paced walk and/or 20 minute Pilates session should help get things moving. A personal favorite abdominal workout that you can do in the comfort of your own home and only lasts 20 minutes is Winsor Pilates Ab Sculpting video on YouTube. There is also my favorite Pilates studio down the hallway, Power-House Pilates. They have a great beginner special: 3 private reformer sessions for $99!

21. Chill.
It is scientifically proven that stress and anxiety/depression affect your bowels negatively. Sometimes, constipation has more to do with some level of emotional constipation, not necessarily what you’re eating. Find a professional therapist or someone you trust to discuss your problems with.


SuperBowl Bullshit

AstraZenica pulled some shit during this year’s SuperBowl. I hate to admit I love their new commercial, which brilliantly conveys the reality of bathroom envy, and it would have been a lot more kosher had it been advertising a natural remedy (ehem, colonics), but the commercial is advertising a pill to cure your painkiller-related constipation woes. Essentially, Big Pharma paid about $5 million dollars to justify America’s existing opioid addiction problem. Opioids turn off pain receptors in your brain, which inadvertently affect your bowel receptors, making you constipated as fuck.

I always encourage my clients to explore all of the holistic, natural remedies available before succumbing to prescribed medication because I believe pharmaceuticals represent the unknown. The list of side effects for any given prescription generally include the initial reason you are taking the medication in the first place, along with an indefinite list of scary afterthoughts such as heart attack, stroke, and/or death. I would much rather take a douche to the ass than a pill to the mouth any day of the week. Namaste.