Fertility and Shit…

As with any weight loss journey, I believe the first step in one’s fertility journey should be cleaning out your system. A deep clean speeds everything up (ie metabolism, conception) because it removes the heavy burden of digesting old ass shit, freeing your body to receive nutrients, burn off excess and ultimately produce results. While few clients lose actual weight after a colonic, most clients feel a noticeable difference in how their clothes fit, while the physical reset and energetic high encourages proactive measures to create and sustain transformational lifestyle goals. By the same token, many clients are referred to me by their nutritionists as a means to reset/balance their hormones in order to conceive since society as a whole is struggling with estrogen dominance thanks to our overuse of plastic and constant exposure to environmental toxins.

That said, I want to share some tips and thoughts on how to prime your body for baby-making as well as delivery. Eating as much plant-based whole food as you’re willing and able to is optimal for clearing out the gunk in your trunk. This means recognizable food from the Earth: greens, veggies (this includes legumes), fruits, and whole grains (rice, quinoa, spelt, etc). Getting colonics regularly is always a good idea whether that is annually or monthly (it’s a personal preference, some people like to ramp up the frequency when trying to conceive). Getting colonics while pregnant is only advised after first trimester if you’d been getting them regularly beforehand. Many people opt for enemas instead. I personally couldn’t wait to get my monthly colonics second trimester to alleviate some of the pressure on my vag and create a little more room for my Buddha baby! And speaking of more room, I’m a firm believer in the right chiropractic adjustment during pregnancy. I started going back to my chiropractor at least twice a month once I hit second trimester to help open my hips. For even deeper hip opening, I continued practicing yoga regularly. Yoga not only helped keep me limber for as long as possible (a daily practice at first slowly became a weekly practice during third trimester), it eased my nausea during first trimester.

Stress is obviously a factor when it comes to preconception. Women are waiting later and later to have kids (myself included). I was always on the fence about having children. In fact, it was a hard NO for me up until last year (only kidding, more like two years ago). My college essay was actually titled “I Am Never Having Children” and I credit that essay for granting me admission to schools I had no business applying to. When I met my partner a few years ago, I knew I wanted to have his baby and so I did. We weren’t actively trying, but we also weren’t actively being careful. And while a laissez faire attitude is definitely helpful, it’s probably not a reality for many women pushing 40 (I had my daughter right before I turned 39 last year). For that reason, I believe massage, acupuncture, bioenergy work and long walks are not only critical for an enjoyable pregnancy, but for stress management preconception. Once pregnant, I got prenatal massages weekly and prenatal acupuncture on a monthly basis to ease all of the bodily stress from the crazy changes happening internally. I received bioenergy work each trimester with Joanne, who I wrote about in an earlier blog post. Bioenergy and biomagnetism is an extraordinary practice that can clear both you and your baby of some deep inner baggage. Although I could hardly walk by the middle of third trimester, I recommend pushing yourself to go on long walks in nature as often as possible. This kept me fit for labor while introducing my system and my baby to diverse bacteria, which boosts immunity. If I do this all over again, I would see my pelvic floor specialist as soon as walking becomes difficult (I didn’t go until six weeks postpartum and it was a game-changer even then!).

As far as supplements, most supplements are not recommended during pregnancy and breastfeeding. Find yourself a good prenatal vitamin you trust for the second you think about conceiving as well as throughout pregnancy. I took Ritual’s vegan prenatal and am currently taking their postnatal vitamin. I also take both Metagenics Ultraflora Immune Booster (targeting respiratory health, which is critical during allergy season in a Coronavirus pandemic) and Ultraflora Womens probiotics to ensure optimal vaginal health (remember baby’s immune system starts with your vaginal flora).

Last, but certainly not least…whether you are gunning for a hippie home birth or a natural birth in a hospital with or without epidural/induction, find your ass a doula. I share my entire labor story in a prior post featuring the role of my doula (I had no idea what a doula was before). And do your back and shoulders a favor by getting this Adjustable Nursing Pillow by my favorite postpartum brand, Frida Mom.

It’s Time For Some New Shit…

I am excited to announce that Elayne (not pronounced “Elaine,” but “eh-line-ay”), is joining the Doody Free Girl team! For six years, I never even entertained the idea of hiring anyone until my colleague Vania Bencosme (who I adore and is an amazing colon therapist in NYC) recommended her good friend and mentee, Elayne. Elayne’s magic hands are now officially on the schedule Thursday thru Saturday, while I am in Monday thru Wednesday. Text or email to book your next colonic appointment.

nj colonic

A Labor Pain in My Ass

My gut had been telling me my daughter would arrive earlier than her due date and per usual, it turned out to be correct. Baby Sofia arrived almost a week early on the morning of 11/23 when I had originally planned on taking maternity leave. My water broke at 440am at which time I texted my doula, Trang Onderdonk, immediately to see if she thought I should go to the hospital already because our plan was to labor at home as much as possible and then just swing by the hospital to pop the baby out. Since I wasn’t feeling any major contractions yet (just very mild cramping) and the fluid leaking out of me was clear (versus brown, which would be indicative of toxic baby poop), she advised me to notify my doctor, take a shower and eat something in preparation for a marathon before heading to the hospital.

My partner and I arrived at Jersey City Medical Center by 630am. As I waited for the intake person to process my information, I kept an eye on the clock and noticed my mild contractions were a few minutes apart lasting about 15 seconds. I remember Trang telling me during our meetings that I wasn’t in active labor until contractions were four minutes apart lasting one whole minute and I could hardly speak, so I knew I had some time to kill. From what I’ve read and heard, we can expect to have similar labor stories to our mothers, which is what I was striving for. Both of my mother’s deliveries of my brother and myself were similar: she popped each of us out in just a few hours vaginally and unmedicated. She always told me the contractions felt like really bad period cramps and the pushing felt like relief followed by sweet euphoria. However, given that I struggled with debilitating period cramps throughout my adolescence so severe I would regularly pass out, whereas my mother never experienced menstrual pain, I was unsure of how comparable our pain threshold was.

Luckily, my labor seemed to mirror my mothers. My contractions continued to slowly get stronger and once Trang arrived at the hospital, she encouraged me to get out of the hospital bed and labor while walking around, doing squats and swaying with my partner, which felt much more tolerable and much more natural than laying on my back. Once we were moved to the delivery room, contractions gradually got so bad I wanted to vomit and shit all at once, but at least I didn’t feel like passing out! And although I was on my knees bent over the bed crushing my baby daddy’s hands, Trang encouraged me to push through the contractions as if I were taking a shit. She said if I still felt like taking a shit once the contraction passed, it was time to call Dr. Muhammad in to begin pushing the baby out.

After almost shitting my disposable hospital underwear a few times, it was time to call the doctor once I felt both the continual urge to take a dump coupled with a fire crotch sensation, which meant the baby was descending. The thought of turning over onto my back was unbearable, but my mother was right about the pushing phase. As each contraction started coming on, Dr. Muhammad coached me to push as hard as I could while holding my breath for ten seconds and then quickly take a deep breath before going into the next push. The contractions seemed to dissipate as quickly as they came and my energy concentrated on funneling the baby out. After fifteen minutes of pushing out everything I had (hemorrhoids, amniotic fluid, blood, piss, and shit), I could feel Dr. Muhammad finally reach in and pull the baby out at 1057am!

postpartum hemorrhoid disposable underwear

No one really prepared me for how long it would take my ass to heal after delivering a baby. I’m two weeks postpartum and everything is only starting to feel somewhat okay downstairs. I suffered a first degree tear, so I received a few stitches. I have not taken a mirror to the area, but I can tell there’s still a little extra swelling around my anus that may be from the stitches, but I’m pretty sure it’s a voluptuous hemorrhoid. Hemorrhoids are very common and I always tell clients that they are only inflamed varicose veins that have the capacity to shrink as fast as they swell. Little did I know that postpartum care includes the best hemorrhoid care!

Apparently, the perineum care market is missing out on a entire target demographic of hemorrhoid sufferers. One of my clients recommended I put the Frida Mom Labor + Delivery Postpartum Recovery Kit on my registry and I am so glad I did. Although the hospital provided me with all of the postpartum essentials and then some (squirt bottle to cleanse the perineum, unlimited disposable underwear, maxi pads, Tucks witch hazel hemorrhoid pads and instant cold packs for my crotch), the Frida Mom kit takes hemorrhoid care to the next level with an upside down peri bottle (doubles as a portable bidet!), instant ice maxi pads, witch hazel perineal cooling pad liners, and witch hazel perineal healing foam. I can’t recommend this kit enough for general hemorrhoid care. In fact, I’m so obsessed with the Frida brand that I also purchased their Perineal Comfort Cushion (aka a hemorrhoid pillow). Additionally, I purchased a Sitz bath and Sitz soak, which I also highly recommend to quickly shrink those hemorrhoids! For extra TLC, keep the upside down peri bottle filled halfway with the Sitz soak (follow directions on the container) and fill the rest with warm water each time you use the bathroom.

I hope my birthing story has shed some light on top notch maternity and postpartum hemorrhoid care. I cannot stop singing the praises of my birthing team and how well they’ve literally taken care of my ass: Trang Onderdonk (doula), Dr. Muhammad and Dr. Yousry and the labor and delivery nurses at Jersey City Medical Center.

The Braxton Shits

With my 11/29 due date approaching, I was convinced that I was in labor Saturday morning. I woke up around 4am with fleeting abdominal cramps, so I started timing my contractions, which were about 30 minutes apart. From all of my research and confirmation from my doula, I understand that there’s no need to rush to the hospital until it becomes difficult to hold a conversation. I was still able to complain very vocally to my partner until the break of dawn, so the only place I kept rushing to was the toilet.

Although my doula told me diarrhea leading up to labor is the body’s mechanism for clearing the body for delivery, I’m pretty sure my regular bouts of diarrhea Saturday morning were more due to my Friday discovery and consumption of frozen Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Kind bars from BJs Wholesale. These delicious 180 calorie bars probably net 20 calories by the time all of the chicory root fiber, tapioca syrup, peanuts, and almond milk goodness coursed through my cramped digestive tract at record speed. So if you’re going to eat crap, at least eat the kind that craps out quickly, right?!

maternity leave / pregnancy

Thanks to these Kind colonic bars, I am now officially scared shitless for what will transpire in the next week or two. I’ve read and been told (by an optimistic few) that labor feels like taking a huge shit, so it can’t be that bad, right? In any case, I’m still pregnant for those wondering and although maternity leave officially started last week, I am always available to answer all of your shitty questions. Feel free to text or email me over the next few weeks/months and I will respond as soon as possible. And in the meantime, remember to stock up on toilet paper (BJs Wholesale is already limiting TP sales!) and keep taking your Metagenics Immune Booster probiotics, which promote nasal, sinus and respiratory function. Namaste.

Butt Implants

The colon is responsible for absorbing liquid from the waste it is processing, essentially baking your shit into a solid Yule log. So by that very same token, your colon readily absorbs some of the water that is used to flush the colon during a colonic. And using that logic, I’ve decided to start administering wheatgrass, chlorophyll, probiotic and aloe implants to nourish your ass during treatment.

Since the colon is relatively alkaline especially when compared to the acidity of the stomach, it can potentially absorb nutrients more readily. This is why the famous Hippocrates Center in Florida touts the benefits of wheatgrass implants for the instant replenishment of electrolytes, minerals, amino acids and chlorophyll when working with chronically ill patients. I like to add extra chlorophyll to the implants because chlorophyll is known to heal the gut, detoxify the body of residual medication, deodorize the body from the inside out, oxygenate and build blood. It also helps “arrest the growth and development of unfriendly bacteria,” which contributes to the maintenance of a more desirable gut environment that colonics help achieve. So at the end of the colonic, it makes perfect sense to strengthen the gut environment with an injection of Metagenics Ultraflora Balance probiotics. Lastly, I implant a little bit of aloe, which is proven to heal the gut lining and lubricate/calm the bowels.

Aside from immediate absorption, an added bonus of the implants is that you don’t have to taste anything that goes up your ass! We all know wheatgrass, chlorophyll and aloe taste like shit, so best to just stick them right up the shitter! However, a common implant that I believe is best consumed orally is coffee. I get calls all the time asking if I employ coffee enemas and the answer is no because I find them to be too acidic and stimulating from the instant absorption of caffeine. This is why “butt chugging” alcohol was such a trend in colleges just a few years ago. While I believe coffee enemas have their place in rehab centers and holistic cancer therapies due to their liver detoxing abilities, I believe they are little aggressive for regular use.

coffee enema implants

Vitamin See

About eight years ago, one of my most thoughtful clients gave me a book called The Program for Better Vision, How to See Better in Minutes a Day without Glasses or Contacts! by Martin Sussman. At the time, I was about 30 years old, which made it the most appropriate gift since she had corrected her vision using this very book when she was around thirty. It did take her a year and a half (not the eight weeks mentioned in the book), but a year and a half of doing a few eye exercises each day seemed like a small sacrifice for perfect vision (I was a habitual contact lens wearer). That was until the book strongly suggested not wearing contacts or even eyeglasses for much of the day! My client warned me that she felt threatened initially, afraid she would get mugged while commuting everyday through NYC. The forewarning did not help my cause. I hardly gave the book a chance after my first evening walking down Fifth Ave after work (I worked in NYC at the time) when all of the dizzying Christmas lights in the trees started blurring together. It felt like I was drunk and I could not imagine a year and a half of this! My will failed me, but above all, I failed to appreciate the importance of the nonphysical exercises in the book: affirmations, visualizations, staying present and less daydreaming.

What we choose to believe about our bodies ability (or inability) is so powerful that most clinical trials use a placebo (sugar pill) to test the efficacy of different medical therapies because many times, medications only work because the patient believed it would! So by the same token, our inner dialogue has the power to affect all areas of our health and well being. If you think your’e going to get the Corona Virus….guess what? Just kidding.

But seriously, I’ve been using this quarantine to pick back up on my eye exercises that I had actually resolved to start again last spring. I had already committed to not wearing my contact lens because the book stresses the importance of getting at least 30 minutes of natural sunlight directly on your eyeballs everyday and I also received an under-corrected prescription from a behavioral optometrist last year so that I can wear my eyeglasses when needed (mostly in the evening) while I improved my vision through these exercises. However, my eye exercise routine fell off pretty quickly last summer, which suddenly turned into fall/winter and here we are a year later. But I still made progress this past year acclimating to life legally blind without worry (about getting lost, not recognizing people, etc) or getting dizzy. Now, I am committed to practicing the actual exercises, which not only include physical exercises (self massage techniques to increase blood flow to the eyes, eye rolls, a fusion string to strengthen eye convergence, eye charts, “palming” etc), but also affirmations and visualizations/meditations designed to strengthen my outlook and acceptance of my vision.

According to the book that influenced Sussman, The Bates Method for Better Eyesight Without Glasses, Dr. William Bates writes “Some patients are so responsive to mental suggestion that you can relieve their discomfort or improve their sight with almost any glasses you like to put on them.” Not telling myself “I’m so blind” all the live long day and appreciating what I actually can see, which is surprisingly a lot especially in broad daylight is a powerful tool in relaxation. According to Dr. Bates, “the fact must be stressed that perfect sight can be obtained only by relaxation.”

I was only able to truly relax after visiting the behavioral optometrists because I was always a little worried that I could potentially worsen my vision if I was unintentionally straining versus accepting my vision. But when I visited the behavioral optometrist in NJ last year (and a second behavioral optometrist in NYC in the New Year because recommitting to bettering my vision naturally was supposed to be my 2020 New Years Resolution), I was shocked to see how well I could see through the under-corrected prescription (-1.75/-1.25). That prescription is almost as light as my very first prescription when I was about 14 years old! In fact, both doctors said they wouldn’t have prescribed the stronger prescription (-3.25) that I’d worn for years in the first place! It was so refreshing to work with optometrists that not only told me my eyesight wasn’t deteriorating, but performed a thorough eye exam involving exercises that demonstrate how well (or poorly) my eyes worked together and alone.

The Program for Better Vision debunks a lot of myths especially the widely accepted notion that eyes inevitably deteriorate with age. Sussman states, “The visual system – just like any other part of your body – can deteriorate with age. This is certainly true if nothing is done to retain its inherit youthfulness and flexibility, and if years of accumulated tension and rigidity are not released. But this decline is not inevitable and it is not irreversible. In fact, nothing is further from the truth.” Sussman explains throughout the book that we have programmed our eyes to unnaturally fixate on objects (television, book, computer, etc) without breaks, which changes the dynamic of our eye muscles. The comprehensive exercises in the book are designed to release both mental and physical tension from our overused eye muscles while increasing blood flow (nutrients, oxygen) to the eyes.

When I was little, my grandmother used to always try to get me to eat the cooked carrots in her cooking by telling me they are good for my eyes. I always thought that was a funny way to try and convince me to eat anything because what 10 year old gives a shit about their eyes? Now, of course, I look at nutrition differently especially with respect to my eyes. Sussman explains, “More than 25% of the nutrition your body absorbs goes to feed the visual system. The visual system consumes one third of all the oxygen that you take in. Metabolism in the eyes is faster than anywhere else in the body.” Many of the exercises in the book focus on relieving tension in the neck through self massage and neck rolls so that nutrition carried by the blood can flow without obstruction to the eyes. Sussman touches on the most important nutrients for the eyes such as Vitamin C.

Vitamin C is an antioxidant well known for its immune boosting properties, but did you know that it is critical for eye health and that our eyes have the heaviest concentration of vitamin C in the body? In fact, sufficient Vitamin C can help prevent cataracts (which “may require the intake of vitamin C at a level 15 times greater than the minimum daily requirement), strengthen the eyes and prevent pressure that results in visual fatigue. As long as you’re eating a balanced (mostly plant-based) diet complete with fruits and vegetables, you’re most likely getting your fill. And vitamin C is water soluble, so your body will shit out any excess as a bonus!

There are other vitamins and supplements recommended in the book as well, but in order for proper delivery to the eyes, there must be adequate blood flow. “Ginkgo biloba increases the blood flow to the brain. European studies demonstrate impressive results in the treatment of macular degeneration and this herb has also been shown to prevent free radical damage to the retina and macula.” In general, ginkgo biloba has been used for centuries especially in Asian countries for improved cognitive function, memory enhancement and performance. Metagenics carries a quality Ginkgo Biloba supplement I take regularly.

metagenics ginkgo discount

The hardest exercise for me to practice consistently is not daydreaming and staying present. I’ve been a daydreamer my entire life because I am a firm believer in creative visualization, essentially a manifestation technique where you just daydream the crap out of what you want your reality to look like. Sussman suggests doing that shit with your eyes closed rather than open because daydreaming creates a lot of stress on our visual system, essentially forcing it to focus on two realities at once.

To conclude this long ass thesis, I cannot recommend the The Program for Better Vision enough as just a means to alter your thinking and literally change your outlook. It is a little early for me to confirm whether or not the book has yielded any real improvement in my eyesight, but it has given me both a quarantine hobby and the confidence not to depend on visual crutches (contact lens or eyeglasses) for most of the day. I have, however, experienced one day recently where I forgot I wasn’t wearing my eyeglasses because I could read almost every sign and license plate in the near distance! That alone is enough validation for me since The Bates Method for Better Eyesight Without Glasses explains that vision is constantly changing all day and night depending on physical, emotional, and external factors. “One cannot see through them [eyeglasses] unless one produces the degree of refractive error which they are designed to correct. But refractive errors, in the eye which is left to itself, are never constant. If one secures good vision by the aid of concave, convex, or astigmatic lenses, therefore, it means that one is maintaining constantly a degree of refractive error which otherwise would not be maintained constantly. It is only expected that this should make this condition worse, and it is a matter of common experience that it does.” So your vision will be better on some days than others and better at certain times of the day than others. And while this may seem like a lot of work for something that potentially doesn’t work or only works some of the time, I currently ain’t got shit to do…

No Sleep Til’…This Shit is Over?

This quarantine has proven a stressful time for everyone. A record number of people have filed for unemployment, parents are now forced to homeschool their kids (God bless…), and the number of those diagnosed with the Corona Virus is steadily increasing along with the number of deaths. Needless to say, many people are losing sleep despite the proximity to their beds. So I thought this would be an opportune time to reiterate the importance of sleep and share some tips to Go The Fuck To Sleep.

I remember cramming for exams in school feeling secure in the notion that our brains retain information better after “sleeping on it.” Whether that is true or not, the restorative properties of sleep are endless; improved mood, memory, learning, cognitive function, weight management, etc. etc. So let’s try to catch up on some sleep now that we are forced to spend this time at home because I know that I have definitely been tossing and turning like a motherfucker.

Everyone knows it’s best not to fall asleep on a full stomach because it leaves us feeling fat and sluggish, yet starving in the morning! Falling asleep on a full or even partially full stomach can majorly disturb sleep and especially our metabolism. According to Kristen Eckel-Mahan, PhD, “The enzymes involved in fatty acid oxidation, they’re highly circadian. They know when they’re supposed to be metabolizing glucose.” In other words, when we eat late, our metabolic organs process sugars differently, causing our body to store fat more easily.

Eating late also seems to result in more nightmares, especially late consumption of carbs. But according to Harvard Medical School, “eating a large meal, especially a high-carbohydrate meal, could trigger night sweats because the body generates heat as it metabolizes the food. Also, gastroesophageal reflux (GERD), caused by lying down with a full stomach, may trigger symptoms that wake you up.” So while it seems like a causal relationship, eating late actually only disturbs our sleep so much that we wake up more frequently from our dream state, which only causes better recollection of our dreams (good or bad).

sleep on table

If you’re like me, not eating late is somewhat of an impossibility because of my work schedule (or lack thereof, lately). So if you find yourself unable to give yourself at least two hours before bedtime to stop shoving food in your mouth, at least try and sit upright for 20 minutes and then sleep on your left side. Our colons work in a clockwise fashion, so laying on our left side allows gravity to pull gastric juices and undigested food through the colon toward the rectum (this is why colonics begin and end on the left side). Laying on the right side is counterintuitive for digestion and can lead to heartburn because stomach juices can splash back up into the esophagus. Additionally, laying on your left side can help drain your brain of cerebral waste called interstitial waste. According to Healthline, “This brain cleanse may help reduce your risk of developing Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, and other neurological diseases.”

Something else that is scientifically proven to delay or even prevent the onset of Alzheimers is meditation. I will speak more to my experience with meditation at a later date, but I wanted to share a useful meditation app I discovered last year. Insight Timer is a free meditation app that has an entire section dedicated to sleep. The sleep section contains Soundscapes, Bedtime Tales, Sleep Meditations, Sleep for Kids, and Sleep Music. I love listening to rain and thunder or some of the bedtime tales when I am unable to drift away.

For those who need supplemental assistance, my favorite supplement brand (Metagenics) has a supplement designed for occasional sleeplessness called Benesom. It contains magnesium, valerian root, melatonin and other herbs proven to assist in sleep. (Receive 20% off here).

Metagenics sleep supplement

In the end, nothing really puts me to sleep like a boring ass book or some super dense material I’m forcing myself to learn. I suggest always having that book on your nightstand. It may take you a few years to get through, but it will at least earn you some quality ZZZs while making you smarter.

Just What The Doctor Ordered…

Dr. Leo Galland shares a complete Corona Virus protocol on his website. Dr. Galland kindly spells out for us how the COVID-19 is actually a 2 phase illness, where 80% of people who contract the disease only suffer from mild symptoms during Phase 1 (fatigue, aches, pains, sore throat) for about five days (not needing medical care, just self-quarantine) and don’t advance to Phase 2 (viral pneumonia- cough & shortness of breath). Phase 2 occurs only a few days after the initial symptoms of Phase 1. Generally, those most vulnerable to Phase 2 are those who smoke, have high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes and are older.

Dr. Galland explains how COVID-19 pneumonia (viral) differs from influenza-related pneumonia (due to secondary bacterial infection) in that it cannot be treated with antibiotics. Basically, the virus attaches to a protein in the cell called ACE-2, diminishing its beneficial enzymatic activity in the lungs. It essentially wears the lungs down in what is coined “ACE-2 exhaustion.” What I find interesting is that once a patient has entered Phase 2, it is ill-advised to take any of the immune boosting supplements recommended to anyone proactively building their “innate immunity” because this can result in overactivity called a “cytokine storm,” which is responsible for much of the damage. This includes the Metagenics UltraFlora Immune Booster probiotics I mentioned in my last post that include the strain lactobacillus plantarum, which Dr. Galland recommends to strengthen innate immunity (before COVID-19 exposure and/or throughout Phase 1 of the illness).

So unless you have entered Phase 2 of COVID-19, it is very much recommended you do strengthen your immune system with proper sleep, moderate exercise, a plant-based diet with sufficient protein and the right supplements. Dr. Galland recommends an elderberry extract (produced by ultrafiltration, not alcohol extraction and contains standardized flavonoid/anthocyanin content), Vitamin D, Vitamin A, zinc, probiotics, and anti-viral mushrooms (turkey tail, maitake, shiitake and reishi). According to Dr. Galland, these mushrooms “stimulate anti-viral immunity.” Metagenics Mycotaki is a comprehensive mushroom supplement that supports cellular defense and healthy immune function (20% off thru my site always on all Metagenics supplements applied at checkout).

COVID Mushroom defense supplement

For those with compromised lung function due to aging, smoking, etc, Dr. Galland breaks down some supplement recommendations for ACE-2 enhancement (improved lung function/defense) on his website. One of the supplements he recommends is curcumin (found in turmeric) for ACE-2 enhancement, so I just ordered Metagenics Inflavonoid Intensive Care, a bioavailable curcumin (set of flavonoids found in turmeric)…because…what the hell, let’s throw the kitchen sink at this virus!

Inflavonoid COVID19 Corona Virus defense

Whatever precaution you decide to take this week, it is most important to stay the fuck home. The faster we stop spreading this disease (even just Phase 1), the faster we are let out of isolation and the faster businesses (like mine) can reopen! In the meantime, take advantage of the mandated quarantine to rest and reset. There are plenty of virtual workouts available (many are even free and require no equipment!) Flood your body with vital nutrients, supplements and H2O. Get some fresh air and natural vitamin D from the sun, but make sure to maintain a social distance of 6 feet. It’s just what the doctor ordered…

Corona Virus

While everyone is busy stockpiling toilet paper, my ass is more concerned with stockpiling beneficial bacteria in my system to deal with the threat of COVID-19. If I run out of TP, I will rely on a good ole’ shower or squirt bottle to clean my ass. What’s most important is that we keep our immune system as equipped as possible to deal with the unknown (ie viruses mysteriously contracted from bats).

Did you know that probiotics are the frontline of your immune system? Probiotics are the beneficial bacteria discerning what gets absorbed into the bloodstream, so it’s important to have a diverse population of bacteria in your gut to combat not only the shit we eat from China, but also airborne illness. In our very own bodies, human cells are outnumbered by microbial cells ten to one! So it’s pretty cool that we are now able to curate which bacteria we replenish with thanks to the advent of probiotics.

This is why I always recommend including Metagenics UltraFlora Immune Booster in your mix of probiotics (I suggest switching strains every month). Immune Booster provides targeted probiotic support for healthy nasal, sinus and respiratory function. I always breathe better when I take Immune Booster and God knows we can use some help with respiration lately, especially if you’ve been inhaling your own CO2 wearing those useless face masks.

immune booster

Your immune system and overall health begin in the gut. When your immune system is strong, you don’t need to mean mug the next person that coughs or sneezes on the train. Probiotic support goes only as far as your lifestyle. The best time to start a probiotic regime is after taking the garbage out with a refreshing colonic. It’s also critical to feed your probiotics their favorite food: fiber! Make sure to flood your body not only with probiotics, but tons of fruits and veggies that are also chockfull of Vitamin C and other health-boosting vitamins and minerals.

Hopefully, this pandemic is also forcing us to closely analyze our food systems. The Corona virus originated at a “wet market” in Wuhan, China, where both live and dead animals are sold. Let’s just say this market probably wouldn’t receive a C Grade from the NYC Department of Health. Try eating as local and organic as possible. And there has never been a better time to consider a [mostly] vegan diet!

For Shit Sake

Nothing really gets me going like grown adults shitting their pants. Luckily, my clients feel comfortable sharing their juicy stories with me and lucky for you, they don’t mind me sharing them. One day, I will compile them all into a neatly sized bathroom book, For Shit Sake, because everyone can use a little motivation when it comes to getting their shit done.

Most of these stories have nothing to do with me, but this first story makes an example of a client who proudly does not follow my advice. To be clear, following my advice is always optional. You decide whether you want to feel like a sexy beast or the complete opposite the days following your colonic. For obvious reasons, the individuals in my stories will be referred to as Jane and John Doo. John Doo barely survived the smell of his own shit to tell the following dramatic tale:

I had gone to see Jen for help with some digestive issues. This was my first colonic.  It was a Friday afternoon when I left her office; I felt hydrated and “clean” from the inside.


She had told me for the first 2-3 days to take it easy on the heavy foods I generally consume and to try and eat a lot of salad and vegetables rather than a lot of fats and meat. So I ate a modest salad that first day. 

The next morning my wife and I decided to take the dog to the dog park. We played at the park and then decided to go to one of our favorite outdoor restaurants for brunch on this sunny 88F day.


So, one thing about me….a doctor once told me I have “compliance” problems (I do not obey instructions well, or at all). Arriving at brunch I decided that one day of rabbit food was plenty for my gut. Back to the old grind, my friend…


I ordered the liver pate, Thai mussels with a coconut cream sauce and crusty French bread along with a meat and cheese board. I washed all of this delicious food down with several cold pints of beer on this perfect summers day. It was GLORIOUS! Next, it was time to head to the pool for some continued day drinking!!


We got back to the lobby of the building and my stomach was a little “grumbly.”  Waiting for the elevator took a little longer than usual because of everyone going up to the pool. By the time I got into the elevator, I was pretty sure I needed to use the bathroom. By the time the elevator got to the 25th floor (where I live) I desperately needed to use the bathroom. I barely managed to get the key into the lock before my body decided it had had enough of all the decadent food I indulged in. I did not just sort of poop my pants….I wasn’t just turtle-heading… I was exploding in my pants like a one year old as I stand in the doorway next to my oblivious wife and dog. At this point, panic sets in.


I make it into the hallway and run to the bathroom with the dog (who thinks I’m playing) right behind me.  I am not playing. I get into the bathroom and slam the door shut as I frantically try to remove my jeans and underwear. I am still crapping my pants here. I rip my pants and underwear off, so now I am shitting on the bathroom floor trying to maneuver my shit canon to the toilet. I finally make it to the toilet. This episode is literally bringing out the worst in me. Mixed emotions of humiliation and anger quickly surface as I continue erupting on the toilet with what feels like no end in sight. A massive amount of foul smelling diarrhea is covering the floor and my underwear (those are going in the trash). It was then that I noticed brown paw marks on the floor and realized that I’ve taken the dog down with me.


In my haste to get my pants off I did not see him enter the room and as my diarrhea bomb was exploding in every direction, he got caught in the direct line of fire. The dog moves closer to me to exact his revenge and violently shakes the foul liquid from his fur. In doing so, he shotgun peppers everything in the bathroom. The homage to not following instructions is now all over the bathroom wall, the shower curtain and even the ceiling. It is everywhere!!!


My wife, totally unaware of all that has transpired is still getting ready for the pool. She calls into the bathroom, “Dennis and Sandy are on there way down here {they live on the 36th floor} for some drinks and we will all go to the pool together.”


This is obviously not something I am supportive of at this very moment in time. I have just now, finally stopped erupting enough to waddle to the door, open it and yell “NO! They can’t come over, PERIOD! We have to meet them at the pool.” Not expecting this kind of aggressive response from me, my wife rounds the corner for an explanation, takes one good look at my gaunt white face and replies, “Okay.”


The victorious dog, seizes the opportunity to escape the “shit show” and tries to make a run for it out of the bathroom. I manage to grab his glistening wet fur, drag him back and slam the door.


As I turn around, I catch a look at my mortifying reflection in the mirror. My face, matching the new wallpaper, is completely peppered with wet, brown diarrhea! My poor wife at this point only knows that for some reason, either on purpose or by accident, I have decided to rub diarrhea all over my face and for another unknown reason, the dog, which was dry 2 minutes ago, is now wet…..

She calls into the bathroom, “I am going to the pool.”

Two hours later, I am bathed, the dog is bathed, the bathroom is bleached. The shower curtain is in the trash, I have a load of wash going, I am less one pair of Armani underwear and I am at the pool with a water…..


The lesson……follow Jen’s instructions, or explain to your wife why you shit the dog and your face.