The Vanity Mirror

For such an appropriately beautiful word, “vanity” has a bad rep. If you know me personally or have read or listened to any of my interviews, you know I unapologetically got into my line of work ten years ago for vanity and vanity alone. I had no digestive issues, no major recovery, no comeback story. I just wanted to look my best and I learned that detoxing is the most natural and sustainable means to achieving optimal outer beauty.

It’s healthy to care about your appearance. Vanity can actually play a role in disease and humiliation prevention. Had we never looked in the mirror, certain cancers and liver disease would go undiagnosed, weight would creep on faster, repulsive whiteheads (and greenheads) would remain undisturbed and coagulated mucus would have time to harden and stick to the walls of our noses. Needful to say, vanity is a fragile tight rope resting between healthy and unhealthy obsession.

Growing up, my brother and I shared a bathroom. To his dismay, I would annoyingly spend an hour before bed each night indulging in my facial routine followed by a close up analysis of every pore and hair on my face, tweezer in hand. Thank God I never had one of those magnifying mirrors. I would have spent half of the evening mutilating my face!

Upon reflection, my vanity seemed to mark the beginning of my obsession with all things bathroom-related. I remember when my mother redecorated the bathroom and threw up a flattering mauve wallpaper because only then did I realize the significance of a room’s lighting. You’d think this made me feel good about myself (or at least pursue photography), but it only made me question whether the flattering reflection was an accurate depiction of my true appearance as I migrated to a different mirror for comparison. Needless to say, I was a textbook case of someone suffering from dysfunctional vanity that  perhaps led to a mild case of body dysmorphia.

bathroom vanity

A quick google search reveals that we spend about 1.5 years in the bathroom in a lifetime. I’ve experienced an inverse relationship between the amount of time spent in the bathroom and clear skin. A healthy diet is the ultimate skin routine promoting healthy bowel movements (ie detoxification), which requires little time on the bowl. Additionally, less time staring in the mirror, washing/stripping your skin, slathering on toxic products and picking/squeezing encourages skin regeneration and repair. Ironically, a low maintenance daily routine is the key to clear skin. Less is fucking more.

Often I am asked what I use on my skin, which is why I developed the Skin Cleanse on my services menu. You can subscribe to the Skin Cleanse newsletter on the Gravity Colonic Prices page for my full skin regime and recommendations. Spoiler alert: it involves a plant-based, dirtbag lifestyle. Products last forever in my medicine cabinet because I only oil cleanse my face 1-2 times per week. While I don’t believe in the consumerism surrounding commercial skin products, I am a fucking sucker for all things natural. Currently, my fave skincare is Marie Veronique’s line because she incorporates both probiotics and essential oils that smell divine in each product. Probiotics are naturally found on our skin and serve as a protectant. This is why washing your face 1-2 times EVERY FUCKING DAY is no bueno.

In summation, I encourage you to look in the mirror only to embrace your beauty.  If you’re hating what you see, I dare you to embark on a mirror fast while adopting the healthy habits I share in my Skin Cleanse newsletter. True beauty is truly skin deep…like 25 intestinal feet deep. Watch your skin clear up and your innards beauty shine through your pores. Namaste.

xoxo jen

 

Stranger Than Colonics

I’ve been singing Joanne Baldwin’s praises to just about anyone who will listen because I personally feel a responsibility to anyone who could benefit from her work, no matter how much crazier it makes me seem. Joanne has been a client of mine for years since I worked full time in NYC. I’ve seen her through her journey of mastering Biomagnetism over the years as she’s traveled both near and far to apprentice under the masters. I’ve always appreciated her insatiable appetite for alternative knowledge and her impressive dedication to understanding the human body as we don’t know it because…well, I like weird shit.

When I first met Joanne, however, she was always talking about babies and kids, which is not my favorite subject unless we are talking about pregnancy, labor and other reasons I shouldn’t have any. But for some reason, I love talking about kids with Joanne. She is a trained Doula and had specialized in Optimal Fertility and Preconception Detoxification, so naturally, I had a million questions for this bitch during her colonics.Biomagnetism biomagnetic master

The more I’ve gotten to know Joanne, the more I’ve gotten to love and trust this saint. Not only do she and her mother volunteer every single year at an orphanage in India and again in the States to follow up with those who’ve been adopted, but when I first met Joanne, she was a full-time nanny to an autistic child who she sincerely adored. She was on a mission to learn the causes of his condition and how life can improve for this young boy. Her love for this child seemed to drive her passion for detox as his parents exposed her to some of the top alternative doctors in NYC who centered their practices on detoxification and herbal tinctures.

One of said doctors introduced Joanne to Biomagnetism and unbeknownst to all, Joanne’s purpose in life. I’m not the best at articulating what exactly Biomagnetism is, so here is what Joanne’s website says verbatim:

 

Biomagnetism is a revolutionary, scientific and therapeutic approach which helps to facilitate the detoxification and elimination of pathogens, toxins and stress in the body. 

The life you are living has been shaped not only by your personal circumstances and experiences but also your ancestry and DNA. They all contribute to the building blocks of your internal programming and create your belief system. 

This belief system is structuring and running your life. Everything you are experiencing right now; the good, the bad, the things you do and react to, will all be rooted in, and therefore projected from the programming. This determines the health, wealth and success that you experience. 

Your internal programming defines and determines many areas of your life including: health – physical & mental, love life, career, relationships, enjoyment, addictions and potential.

In order to thrive, your life needs to be in balance and that is where Joanne and her magnets come in. You can eat all the right foods and exercise daily but if there are underlying conflicts in your body then overall wellbeing won’t be achieved. 

So basically, you can potentially blame your lineage for symptoms such as feelings of inadequacy or even chronic lower back pain. The Atlantic wrote an interesting piece diving deeper into the symptoms experienced by younger generations that potentially result from famine or war experienced by generations past. This exciting new field presents a completely different way to look at our bodies..and perhaps, our suffering. This all sounds like some past life regression bullshit that I generally avoid, and I guess in a way it is…minus the bullshit.

While Joanne feels that one Biomagnetism session is adequate for clients to receive benefit, I had to have a second session because I could not believe what happened after our first session. My lower back fatigue that I’ve experienced from a young age completely disappeared. I cannot remember a day where my lower back didn’t feel strained from being on my feet all day. It was never back pain, just a pain in the ass. In fact, I never even thought it was an issue! Up until a few months ago, I couldn’t remember going to a concert without having to lean on something to stretch my lower back a bit or straight up hoping the show was over sooner than later so I could go home and lay down.

During my Biomagnetism session, my body guided Joanne to my kidney (she literally talks to your feet!). She says kidney issues are commonly confused for back issues. Bloating/swelling and lower back pain can be an indication that your kidneys are not functioning optimally. I generally felt swelling in my legs, which was an issue I told her about. After my treatment, I peed like a racehorse and my lower back fatigue immediately dissolved. I also experience much less swelling in my legs. According to my “reading,” I can blame an incident that happened to my grandmother on my father’s side when she was 29 years old that subconsciously created a specific coding in her body (and consequently, our lineage) to deal with the emotions she experienced from her situation. Ironically, one of the emotions I released is “someone is to blame,” along with “victim,” “feeling misunderstood,” “my identity is fragile and uncertain” and “feeling like an outsider.” Sensations that I released are “lack,” “unhappiness,” “betrayal” and “humiliation.” I haven’t had much time to really sit with any of this, but I can tell you my back is feeling brand spanking new, which is an apparent manifestation of these emotions.

It gets even weirder because Joanne lives in London. She does this work remotely. I cannot recommend this magician enough. Email her at joanne@fortheloveofbalance.co.uk and prepare to detox your ass of the past.

Grow Your Shit.

Other than my intestines, I admittedly don’t know where all of my shit comes from. I try to be mindful of what I eat most of the time (no animal products, organic when possible, minimal processed foods, etc etc), but how the fuck does lettuce grow?

With the way of the world and our food system, our health is literally in our hands. I’m tired of complaining about how shitty we treat our animals, how much pesticide is in our produce, how every “natural” product we purchase is wrapped in plastic, how GMOs are an abusive scandal, and how this country is controlled by Big Pharma and the meat & dairy industries. Don’t get me wrong, I always enjoy talking shit, but the bottom line is the only way to guarantee clean food is to grow and make it ourselves.

Our culture has grown so distant from food production that unless you’re a factory farm “slave” worker (I don’t reasonably believe anyone wants to kill animals for a living) or an agricultural “slave” farmer (more on that in the expose documentary, Food Chains), we practically have no idea how to feed ourselves from scratch. So I decided to try growing my own shit for the first time this summer and I am excited to share that it is much easier to grow lettuce than you may think (or not have thought about at all!).

I have both an outdoor garden plot in the Brunswick Garden right across the street from the Brunswick Center and an aeroponic Tower Garden in the Doody Free Girl studio. Growing veggies outdoors involves more effort and way more patience than growing indoors. You first need to check the soil for any heavy metal contamination, take time to water your garden, check for potential pests and respond accordingly, and weed…often. Furthermore, outdoor veggies grow at a snail’s pace without Miracle Grow. So far, I’ve harvested a shitload of breakfast radishes, which are the only veggies that seem to grow quickly and easily (for me anyway). I’m still waiting on my carrots, which are currently as thin and disappointing as a pencil thin bowel movement.

I highly recommend an indoor aeroponic Tower Garden, which ensures you know that your plant food is receiving filtered water, optimal nutrients and NO pesticides. I do not, however, recommend it for those in a studio apartment because the LED grow lights must be on for 14 hours each day and they’re bright as hell. But if you can deal with the light, you can grow lettuce (and herbs, tomatoes, cucumbers, kale etc etc) all year long. It took me just under two months from receiving my order to harvest lettuce that replenishes itself overnight. I purchased everything online from TowerGarden.com, which has endless tutorial videos to accompany your order. Make sure to also purchase the LED Indoor Grow Lights and the Tower Garden Dolly from the site.

If this Tower Garden endeavor isn’t that appealing to you or your pets, you can start with a countertop Aerogarden, which grows just as well. Just grow something! I swear you will feel like a fucking magician! I still can’t believe this actually worked out for me…

Tower Garden aeroponic lettuce

Totally Anal

For the most part, colonics are nothing like anal sex. For one, colonics will consistently involve a sufficient amount of lubrication. Secondly, there is a medical grade speculum (not a giant penis) gently inserted into the rectum that will remain stationary and feel virtually invisible for the remainder of the procedure. Unlike anal sex, women actually derive pleasure from the cathartic release colonics provide. Except for some mild cramping, there is no stabbing pain during a colonic. There is no questioning of one’s sexuality during a colonic because colonics most definitely make you gay AF thanks to the release of endorphins.

However, anal sex and colonics do share few similarities. They will both make you feel like you’re taking the longest, hardest shit of your life. The session is best when the recipient is completely relaxed because anxiety does not help shit along. Waves of nausea and intense pressure is not uncommon. Additionally, shit can sometimes get a little messy, which is no cause for panic as both parties should be fully aware of what they signed up for.

I’m not discouraging anyone who is into anal from living their best life, but women technically cannot derive sexual pleasure from anal sex. Men’s prostate gland is stimulated during penetration, which causes arousal. Women, on the other hand, do not have a prostate gland, so scientifically speaking (not from experience), the sensation of anal sex is that of a constipating monster turd jammed up in the rectum where no release is ever experienced. This shit sounds like zero fun. Also, we have transverse folds in the rectum called the “valves of Houston” that keep us from shitting ourselves. They can weaken with age, so why wear them down unnecessarily?

anal colonics

 

So while I don’t necessarily recommend anal sex for those sporting a vagina, I am totally anal when it comes to cleaning my shit. My latest obsession is my Bissell Powerfresh Steam Mop that I cannot fathom living without. I used to get on my hands and knees with a brush, distilled white vinegar and a shitload of paper towels to hand-mop and dry my floors. Now, it takes less than ten minutes to sanitize my entire studio using only steam from distilled water – no paper, chemicals or vinegar smell! The steamer will also come in handy when you need to clean your floors after aforementioned sex act.

 

Fasting & Feasting

It’s taken almost ten years to adopt a lifestyle of fasting where I’m not obsessing, starving, yo-yo dieting, or more importantly, anxious and isolated. I blame the “all-or-nothing” ego of my 20s for these demented thinking patterns. But at the same time, my 20’s enthusiasm landed me on the most rewarding, alternative career path I could have ever imagined for myself as an ass plumber. So I’ve gained a healthy appreciation for comfortable fasting, or what the masses call intermittent fasting.

About ten years ago, I picked up Natalia Rose’s Raw Food Detox Diet book, which changed my life overnight for better or for worse. I speak more to this on the Free Spirit Academy Podcast (episode 20). Rather than slowly transition into this new cleansing lifestyle as the book suggests, I quickly began juice fasting all day until dinner for the sake of vanity. Then for dinner, I would just about eat the kitchen sink thinking I could eat as much as I desired as long as it was “clean.” Additionally, I would throw in a 3-5 day juice cleanse every so often to wipe my slate clean. Little did I realize that this lifestyle was slowly becoming less of an exciting path to everlasting beauty, but rather one to disordered eating. I found myself binging in the evenings until I felt uncomfortably bloated because I knew I would not be eating solid food for another 24 hours. This is not how one should fast.

healthy fasting

 

Intermittent fasting is a hot topic lately, but this is nothing new. What is new is the amount of fucking food we’re shoving in our faces. Our ancestors were not able to go to a store where there is so much food available, the store actually has to throw out most of the produce everyday! In fact, they were forced to fast because food was so scarce. Mark Mattson, head of the National Institute on Aging’s neuroscience lab, argues that fasting and then “feasting” has actually helped evolve the species and make us smarter. In Scientific American, studies have proven that intermittent fasting has proven more effective than calorie restriction in preventing cancer, cognitive decline and weight loss.

Intermittent fasting can mean fasting for a few days at a time, just eliminating a meal or two per day or simply not snacking between meals. I do not fast for days on end anymore. Alternatively, I enjoy comfortably fasting for 12-14 hours each day (this includes not eating in your sleep!). I find myself juice fasting or smoothie “fasting” until dinner on days where I have a packed schedule of clients and am running on adrenaline all day. Those days seem to fly by! My reward is then a huge avocado salad with a veggie burger, maybe some crackers and vegan cheese followed by some chocolaty treat and a huge dump in the morning. The idea is to know when you’re truly full and satisfied, not to deprive yourself. Once you’ve reached the point where you are comfortably full in both your thoughts and your stomach, you have achieved comfortable fasting. Now prepare to live to 120.

xoxo jen

Sugar Addiction

I’ve always had a sweet tooth. Growing up, my parents had to bribe me to eat my Abuela’s Cuban food by promising dessert after. I’m 36 years old now and I still love finishing dinner off with a sweet treat. Thank God sugar is healthy!

Not all sugar was created equal, but luckily, you can satisfy your sugar cravings healthfully. The two best ways to do this is by substituting either breakfast or lunch (or both) with a green smoothie and/or a green juice. People are always freaking the fuck out about the sugar content in fresh green juices because juices do not contain any fiber. No one has a better response to this concern than my mentor, Tom DeVito, who healed himself naturally of grand mal seizures by eating sugary fruits and drinking green juices all the live long day for the last 25+ years:

“Sugar: the so-called villain of the American diet just happens to be the only substance, (other than oxygen) the human cell requires for food! This important sugar comes from primarily fruits and secondarily, green leafy vegetables. In addition, fruit sugar cleanses the bloodstream. Chlorophyll builds blood cells. The molecular structures of hemoglobin and chlorophyll are identical. The body converts the green stuff to the red stuff rather easily and rapidly! And that, my friends, is why so-called diet experts making villains of actual, real human fuel, should be treated exactly as they are: clueless fools who studied fiction from a book and didn’t live a health transformation, by way of deep tissue cleansing, whole foods and a plant-based diet! They read some books, perhaps got a degree and live the same lie as everyone else. Counting imaginary values from fake foods which provide little to no value but rather harm, while vacillating between losing an inch and gaining a pound. Don’t allow fiction writers to teach you about your health. Allow your body to experience real food in a depolluted environment. Begin your personal journey and feel it for yourself. There is the classroom, the textbook, the truth.”

In fact, did you know that all animals have a sweet tooth? And those who do not anymore can thank evolution. So let’s return to nature and take it easy on the processed sugary foods. If you are experiencing insatiable cravings for cakes and unnatural shit, you are suffering from dysbiosis, where an imbalance of good:bad bacteria exists. The best remedy for eliminating the dominance of shitty bacteria is evacuation (aka colonics) and replenishment with probiotics. Those cravings will quickly disappear once you start feeding your healthy bacteria with real food (i.e.  plant food).

Colonics are also important when eating natural sugar because fruit and vegetable sugars are extremely cleansing. We are not exactly burning sugar off anymore like other primates, so elimination is more vital than ever. It is when we do not eliminate the waste natural sugar generate in the body that we experience disease, not because of the mere ingestion of the sugar.

Additionally, fruit/vegetable sugar highs are never followed by a mid-day crash and burn. One important tip when it comes to drinking fresh juices and smoothies is to always ingest them on an empty stomach to ensure instant delivery to the cells via the bloodstream. Make sure to “chew” your drink and your smoothies because enzymes and bacteria in the mouth initiate proper digestion and assimilation.

natural sugar green smoothie

 

My latest obsession is the Omega juicer. I’ve always used a Breville centrifugal juicer, but the Omega juicer extracts way more juice and nutrients from your fruits and veggies. In fact, it is so efficient it can extract juice from wheatgrass and it can even make nut butters! It’s also more fun to use and a lot easier to dispose of the pulp when I need to make more than two juices. You can get one for $260 at Bed, Bath & Beyond (don’t forget to ask for the 20% discount at checkout). My current favorite 32 ounce organic green juice recipe will cost you under $6.50 at Whole Foods. Simply juice an entire 2 pound bag of organic carrots, half of a bunch of organic dandelion greens, and half of an organic fennel bulb. 

In my last blog post, I also promised I would share my current favorite smoothie recipe that keeps me full all day long until dinner. I’ll either milk a juice or a smoothie all day long (not both). I recommend the Vitamix blender as I’ve heard no other blender comes close to blending celery like this machine. Blend three stalks of organic celery, one whole banana, two handfuls of organic spinach, one whole mango, one cup of filtered water, 1.5 tablespoons of Vitamineral Green and 1 tablespoon of organic flax seeds.

Hope this shit was informative. xoxo jen

 

 

 

 

 

Irish Ramadan (aka Liver Cleanse)

This January was my first semi-successful attempt at “Dry January,” or Irish Ramadan as one of my clients calls it. I’ve hardly even been able to refrain from a glass of wine during past liver cleanses because I love me a glass or two of red wine with dinner. But once I made the commitment not to drink in January (until my Nicaragua trip on the 25th), it quickly became second nature. Good habits can develop in just a few days when intention and commitment are strong. I must admit the paralyzing weather helped a lot too.

liver cleanse
Breaking the dry spell in Nicaragua.

Just as it pertains to colonics, it is always a good idea to clean up your diet a bit before embarking on any sort of cleanse or diet, especially a liver cleanse. This makes for a more pleasant experience because you aren’t suddenly putting your body into a state of shock. Rather, you are gently guiding your body into a deeper state of detoxification that has the potential to become habitual versus temporary. Consistency is more powerful than any crash diet or crash juice cleanse (same shit in my book).

For 2018, I am committed to consistently making my own smoothies, even during the cold winter. The trick to craving smoothies in the winter is simply making them room temperature (not cold!). I will share my latest favorite smoothie recipe that keeps me satiated and energized all day long on my next blog post. Eating more nutritiously dense smoothies has made liver cleansing much easier. I’ve already completed two liver cleanses this year, and this monthly liver cleansing schedule is feeling great especially since many clients have been joining in!

I am starting my next liver cleanse on Monday in time for the new moon. The new moon every month is always a good marker to wipe your slate clean of shit that wasn’t working for you the prior month and birth some new ideas and action plans. This Irish Ramadan will appropriately end on St. Patrick’s Day. Sign up for liver cleanse instruction on the Gravity Colonics Prices page to prepare yourself because you’ll need to schedule two colonics and purchase food grade malic acid in powder form. Please keep in mind, you will want to continue liver cleansing at least every three months. Otherwise, it’s best not to begin this cleanse at all because you will literally be stirring up some shit that must be eliminated from the body. For those who’d like to dig deeper into the liver cleanse, I recommend picking up Andreas Moritz’s The Liver and Gallbladder Miracle Cleanse. And book your liver cleanse here.

Liver cleanse stones
A bunch of liver stones joined together.

 

Floatation Therapy Open in Jersey City! (And other local spa favorites)

If you don’t follow the Hoboken Girl Blog, you’re missing out because I am a regular contributor for all things vegan, health and wellness in Jersey City! Om.life wellness spa just opened in Jersey City and I couldn’t be more excited to share the benefits of floating. Nourishing to the mind, body and spirit, floating in a tank concentrated with more salt than the Dead Sea is the most rejuvenating experience. I’ve already floated at Om.life in Paulus Hook (Jersey City) twice and cannot wait to return, especially because the 90 minute float has majorly loosened up my neck. Read all about it here. 

I also wrote a Jersey City massage round-up of the best masseuses in town. I’ve only personally visited Knead, FreedOm Therapeutics (right here in the Brunswick Center, the Doody Free Girl HQ), and my favorite chiropractor, but everyone else on the list has a cult following and comes highly recommended, so check it out and get rubbed.

I am also proud to say that my review of Sojo Spa in Edgewater, NJ was the second most visited post on the Hoboken Girl blog in 2017! And there’s good reason for that – this five floor spa is simply one-of-a-kind. I definitely recommend visiting this place on a weekday in the morning /mid-day if possible because it turns into a fucking zoo on the weekends and in the evenings (open til midnight). Sojo Spa has five different infrared saunas, halotherapy, outdoor hot tubs open year round, a Shiatsu room (full-body Shiatsu and reflexology massage are my fave) and other spa services.

Lastly, the Hoboken Girl herself, Jennifer Tripucka, wrote a non-sponsored review of my “spa” services back in 2016. You can read all about her ass cleaning here. She obviously has good taste and has feelers on everything happening in this town, so keep up!

 

And book your colonic here. I’ll be open all day tomorrow for MLK Day, so email me for appointments jen@doodyfreegirl.com 🙂

floatation therapy, cryotherapy and infrared sauna at om.life in jersey city
Post-float journaling at Om.life

 

 

Veganism and Boobies

I’ve been in and out of veganism for the last ten years and recently re-committed about a year and a half ago for not only vanity and health motivations, but environmentalism and animal rights motivations. There is no question that eliminating meat and dairy (even grass-fed and “free-range”) from your diet results in a reduction of excess sodium, antibiotics, hormones, GMOs and mucus in your system. Additionally, the meat and dairy industry are the biggest players in land degradation, carbon emissions and animal cruelty in the history of mankind. However, this post is about another pressing issue: boobies.

I’ve always had small training bra-size boobs that I’ve always been comfortable with (I’m almost 36 years old, yet favor a training bra). When I stopped eating meat and dairy in my mid twenties, I stopped getting severe menstrual cramps and my boobs stayed consistently small even around my period. I not only stopped eating meat and dairy, but I had also given up cooked food all together because I became obsessed with the integrity of raw foods. This health obsession ironically became the unhealthiest period of my life. It took me about two years to realize that my diet was making me an anxious person, at which point, I adopted even unhealthier eating patterns in an effort to erase my anxious raw vegan identity. So over the last ten years, I went from being raw vegan to vegan to vegetarian to pescatarian to carnivore, then back to vegetarian and now vegan with a love (not obsession) for raw foods.  And through these phases, I can definitively say my boobs were most tender and grew to adult size during my carnivorous phase.

While this may encourage women to eat meat, sudden breast enlargement can signal estrogen dominance, which may cause breast cancer and man boobies. There are easy ways to reduce exposure to excess estrogen in our system. These include eating processed soy products, meat and dairy in moderation, eating organic, drinking filtered water (not in a plastic bottle), giving your nails a breather from nail polish, using truly natural body products and cosmetics and exploring natural methods of birth control. Most importantly, it is crucial to monitor our elimination because poor elimination increases the load on your liver, which is responsible for metabolizing estrogen out of our bodies. Unplug your rancid hormones with a colonic and consider a future liver cleanse.

potty training vegan pig with litter box
Pigs are the shit! Shout out to Billie, who potty trained himself!

Lead Poisoning

In a past life, I was a realtor in Miami Beach. I totally sucked at it and felt completely unfulfilled as a result (or the cause?). It felt like my life was a series of annoying people and different lockbox sequences (insider tip: you can usually guess the code by trying different combinations of the current year and the address because…realtors). But I must admit I learned a few things of value in real estate school.

My real estate professor was the shit. I forget his name, but I will always remember his teachings because he was honest and funny as hell. He proudly declared at the beginning of the course that while dumb, he knows how to pass tests and had come to teach us thy ways. Basically, he spoke my language. A crash course in silly pneumonic devices proved successful in passing an exam and left me with some useless knowledge. For instance, the Statute of Frauds requires that certain contracts be memorialized in writing. He taught us to remember this by thinking of the word “frogs” instead of “frauds.” Frogs make the sound “ribbit, ribbit,” which he would sound as “write it, write it.” This pneumonic device is dumb as hell, but 12+ years later, I still remember this shit!

Another tip I learned involved lead poisoning. Houses built before 1978 were most likely painted with paint that contained toxic amounts of lead. Children are most susceptible to lead poisoning from paint because when they’re not smearing boogers everywhere, they’re sticking shit in their mouths. Eating lead paint chips or dirt infused with a high amount of lead can lead to a host of health issues such as learning disabilities, kidney damage, hearing damage, neurological damage, seizures and even death. Therefore, homebuyers must sign a waiver acknowledging the potential existence of lead with the option to have a lead inspection performed within ten days for an accurate cost analysis.

There are measures to prevent and remedy the existence of lead in your home if you have children. You can hire a certified lead abatement contractor to seal in the lead-based paint on your walls with a coat of nontoxic paint. This is probably the most cost-effective and healthy remedy. Alternatively, removing the paint can create a lot of toxic dust. If the soil around your home is contaminated, you may want to plant some grass over it to keep your child from eating the soil.

My real estate professor dismissed the severity of lead poisoning for those who do not have children. “Open the windows and air out every once in a while.” This is something you should do regardless of whether or not lead is present in your home. The insulation in your walls, wood finishings, cleaners, your furniture etc are full of all kinds of other toxins like acetone, carbon monoxide and formaldehyde. It is wise to open your windows upon waking every morning for at least ten minutes and to keep some air-filtering plants in the house. If you have a garden outside, you won’t need to worry too much about lead toxicity in your produce except for leafy greens.

There is also something you can do on the daily to assist in heavy metal detox. Chlorella has been proven to be an effective heavy metal binder. Not only is it an amazing detoxifier, but it is chock-full of minerals and chlorophyll, which is the ultimate blood cleanser. It is also an amazing source of protein, iron and zinc. I recommend taking this supplement everyday and getting a colonic monthly to assist in eliminating metals from the body. My favorite brand is Vega, a reputable vegan brand that is affordable and widely available in both health stores and online.

lead detox vegan chlorella

In conclusion, my real estate career wasn’t a complete waste of time after all…