Back That Ass Up

I’m a huge fan of the late John. A. Pagano, a chiropractor and free thinker who wrote Healing Psoriasis in the 90s when the United States was heading more in the direction of chemical convenience and less in the direction of holistic healing. I will sum his book up with this: cleanse your liver, get gravity colonics, eat more plants (except nightshades, especially tomatoes), eat less meat (only wild game and fish should be eaten in small doses if at all), eliminate dairy, avoid white flour, drink water, manage your stress and avoid artificial sweeteners.

Being a chiropractor, Dr. Pagano went into the importance of spinal adjustments when addressing skin issues, specifically psoriasis. While I LOOOOOVE the sensation of my ankles, hips, shoulders and back cracking, I’ve had some traumatizing experiences with chiropractors in the past, so I completely skipped that chapter.

If you’ve followed my blog, you know I’ve suffered from mysterious bouts of eczema (at times, it was mis-[self]diagnosed poison ivy). Flare ups would occur occasionally and coincidentally after completing a Liver Cleanse. It’s been about a year now since my last flare up, but I remember having random itchy patches on my shoulders and shins at my friend’s wedding. You can see one of my patches highlighted by my dress.

Psoriasis healed with colonics and chiropractor

I’ve completed more liver cleanses and recommitted to veganism since then and haven’t had an outbreak since the wedding, which leads me to believe Dr. Pagano’s psoriasis / eczema theory is correct: rashes are shit.

Something else that is probably responsible for clearing up my skin is my recommitment to chiropractics about six months ago. I wasn’t ever going to return after having my back re-injured by a chiropractor who felt more like a salesperson than a doctor, but Brian P. Corrigan came highly referred by numerous clients for his miracle work. He’s like a legit version of this dude:

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Did you know that the first spinal adjustment performed cured a man of his deafness? Look that shit up!

I decided to go more out of curiosity than anything else and the price is right: Brian charges $20 for the first visit and $15 for each subsequent visit if you return within the month, making the work accessible to all. While I mainly visit Brian a few times a week because to me, an 8 minute adjustment feels better than an hour full body massage, some unexpected miracles have happened over the course of my bi-weekly (sometimes 3x/week) adjustments. Firstly, a chronic knot in my neck that no masseuse has been able to erase just magically melted away. And secondly, my rashes have not returned.

Dr. Pagano explains:

Can spinal adjustments conceivably aid the skin directly as well as revitalizing the internal organs that eliminate waste and neutralize toxins? I contend that they can and do – particularly general, full-spine adjustments.

The skin is an organ. It is, in fact, the largest organ of the body. Every cell in every organ of the human body must receive electrical (nerve) energy to remain in a state of health, and this organ is no exception. There is, indeed, a nerve supply to the skin itself, and, as Pottenger states, “The structures of the skin, as far as physiologists have been able to determine, possess only sympathetic nerves receiving innervation from the thoracic (dorsal) and upper three lumbar segments.”

Therefore, from the first dorsal down to the third lumbar, a total of fifteen vertebral segments, there is a relationship between the spine and the structures of the skin by way of the nerves that emanate from between these vertebrae. Due to this anatomical-physiological fact, spinal adjustments can indeed benefit dermal structures, whether or not a skin disease is actually present.

I hope this helps anyone looking for alternative therapies to commercial steroidal creams and that sort of shit, which only work temporarily while leaving your skin thin as hell.

Memorial Day Weekend Forecast: Shit

This weekend is looking like rain with a chance of shit balls. So take advantage of this last opportunity to get your beach belly ready for the big reveal! I’m around all weekend, folks. Make your gravity colonic appointment for Saturday or Sunday 🙂

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Doo Shit At Home! A Pilates & Poop Workshop…

You may already be aware that I am a big fan of Pilates…and especially its founder, Joseph Pilates. Literally a freak of nature, Joseph Pilates was a circus performer, bodybuilder, professional boxer and self defense trainer. Born in Germany, he moved to England in 1912 to box and teach self defense at police schools. When Britain entered World War I, British authorities sent Pilates and his fellow German colleagues to an internment camp (aka war prison) as enemy aliens, where he continued to study the body through his work with the other inmates. It was here that Pilates really advanced his body of work, rigging springs to hospital beds and creating all kinds of contraptions so that even bedridden inmates could rehabilitate and strengthen their bodies and thus, their immunity. Incredibly, none of his students succumbed to the 1918 influenza outbreak that took many lives around the world, especially those living in close quarters such as inmates of internment camps.

Joseph Pilates’ obsession with health began early in life. He suffered from asthma, rickets and rheumatic fever. His father was an award winning gymnast and his mother a naturopath of sorts. So it only seemed natural that he obsessively studied anatomy, body conditioning and animals in the wild (okay, thats a little weird, but ironically forward-thinking nonetheless) as a means of restoring his health. He became completely obsessed with building both physical and mental strength, believing that modern lifestyle, poor posture and poor breathing were responsible for illness. The Pilates method of physical exercise incorporates attention to breath work, stretching and strengthening.

Lastly, and of utmost importance, Pilates had quite the figure well into his 80s. Nothing tones your core like the Pilates method and of course, a good poop…

I’m all about doing shit at home! Please join me at Power House Pilates just down the hallway from the Doody Free shop at the Brunswick Center on Sunday, April 30th for a two hour workshop beginning at 11am. There will be Pilates, poop and libations. It’s only $25 and filling up fast! You will leave with a simple, effective routine you can do at home, my favorite enema bag and a fun buzz…email me for bookings 🙂

boy doing pilates at home

 

Put Your Best Shit Forward

I have a confession: I’m a hypocrite. One of my pet peeves is everyone’s portrayal of perfection on social media, yet I only put my best shit forward as well. You’ve seen my cat, Micro, peeing and pooping like a champ day in and day out on my Instagram Story. She effortlessly hops up on my squatty potty and circles the rim of the toilet seat until she finds a comfortable seat on the edge to squat down and handle her business.

Here’s the shit you don’t see…

social media bloopers

 

Micro was actually consistently going to the toilet until she was spayed just a few weeks ago. Forced to wear the “Cone of Shame,” she had no peripheral vision, so the toilet was out of the question. For the week, I returned the litter box, which confused her a bit. She would pee and poo in it most of the time. That week was actually the first time I ever worried about her peeing everywhere: she tagged her scratchpads, bed, toy and the floor. Now I can recognize the smell of cat pee – it’s fucking disgusting. But guess what gets rid of it? You guessed it…distilled white vinegar.

So we’re back to square one. I opened up a brand new CitiKitty and filled it up with litter for Potty Training 101. Micro is back to peeing and pooping on the toilet, with just a few shit streaks here and there. I’m cool with that…cat pee not so much.

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I felt obligated to write this post for obvious reasons and because I don’t want anyone trying to train their kitty to use the toilet to get discouraged. Think about all the resources (money, GMO corn, bentonite clay, trees) you’ll be saving and above all, litter contains known carcinogens and for the most part is non-biodegradable! Micro didn’t learn to mostly pee and poo in the toilet overnight. It takes a lot of patience, encouragement, and reinforcement with treats, but no more time than it would take to scoop shit out of the litter everyday and then sweep up litter dust from your floors everyday (fuck that).

On a more serious note, I recently listened to Simon Sinek’s enlightening talk about Millennials in the Workplace and how they are a remarkably depressed and insecure generation, which can be directly blamed on social media. I’m forever thankful to only have been exposed to AIM (AOL instant messenger) in college for which to stalk crushes and girls who were cramping my style. I remember only having a literal Facebook and an Internet search engine (googling wasn’t a verb then) to investigate strangers. There were hardly any visuals, but thanks be to Peoplefinder.com, I was able to figure out astrological compatibility!! I resisted Friendster, which was only to be replaced by Facebook towards the end of my senior year of college in 2004. I didn’t quite grasp its relevance nor would I have never predicted the scope in which its broadened communication, encouraged new social networks like Instagram, or revolutionized targeted marketing. Not only are Millennials subject to the perfection pressure from peers, but they are subject to false advertising by asshole corporations.

So what I’m trying to say is, I apologize if my social media makes my bathroom life look perfect. It is anything butt…

 

Wet Dreams

I’m never one to analyze my dreams unless it’s something weird like giving birth, chewing gum sticking to the roof of my mouth or not being able to run away from danger. Apparently, I pop babies out pretty easily, but trying to scrape off chewing gum that’s melted all over the roof of my mouth and my teeth or running away from a murderer literally paralyzes me. I haven’t found one person that relates to me on the gum dream, so I turned to the Interwebs to learn that apparently, I’m having trouble digesting or processing something…ain’t that ironic?! Many people I’ve spoken to have had the “inability to run away from danger” dream. That one represents unconscious frustration or anxiety with a situation. I hate that dream because it causes me physical aches and pain, which signals to me that I am, in fact, dreaming, causing even more stress and anxiety.

Another dream that causes major stress and anxiety for me is having the urge to pee. A recurring dream of mine is having to piss myself with only the most disgusting bathroom available to me. Every fucking time, I am faced with a toilet that is so high that the option to hover is unavailable to my 5 foot [and 2 inches] ass. Additionally, the toilet is overflowing with toilet paper and piss. The water is running and the seat is covered in piss in every single stall! I always make an effort to hover anyway, and start tinkling only to have urine trickle down my thighs and someone else’s urine kiss the back of my knees. I never get to fully relieve myself and the frustration just keeps building. It is at this point that I usually wake up completely relieved that I did not relieve myself in my sheets.

So what does this mean? According to Dreammoods.com, it could symbolize a pun on my “pissy” attitude, a release of negative or repressed emotions, lack of self-worth, I’m about to have an emotional outburst, or perhaps I’m trying to mark my territory. Maybe all of the above? I guess we’ll find out soon, since I had this dream again last week…

Dried Up?

My mother has always justified her potato chip habit as a means of greasing her engines. Her mother would always tell her to eat oil to avoid feeling dry (must be some Chinese shit). Needless to say, I’ve grown up having no qualms about eating oil and love me some potato chips….new fave here.

So while potato chips may not be the greatest source of healthy fats, I cannot recommend eating fat enough. It is not only good for lubrication of the joints, but also of the intestines and our brain. Our culture is lacking in Omega 3s, which could significantly improve joint pain associated with rheumatoid arthritis, lower triglycerides (blood fat), lower inflammation (remarkably so with inflammatory bowel conditions) and also protect against Alzheimers and dementia. I got this info off of WebMd, which recommends supplementing with fish oils. However, with the advent of GMO salmon and farmed fish, it is becoming abundantly clear that we cannot blindly trust our food systems, not even those derived from the ocean. For more on this, please check out the one hour documentary Fillet Oh Fish on YouTube (but not while you’re eating!). Farmed fish exposure to pesticides and antibiotics is worse than our factory farmed animals and the fish industry is much less regulated. In fact, it is getting more and more difficult to discern which fish are truly wild and some companies are purposely mislabeling farmed fish as wild. Increased farmed fish consumption is being linked to cancer risks because of the higher fat content. Fat is where animals (including ourselves) store toxins, so these fattier fish are loaded with heavy metals, antibiotics and pesticides.

 

cold pressed local organic flax seed oil
Fresh, organic, locally cold pressed and delivered in a glass bottle!

An easy way to get your Omega 3s without worrying about nasty fish juice is to find a high quality organic cold-pressed flax seed oil and throw a tablespoon in your salad everyday. I feel super blessed to have recently learned of a local supplier in upstate NY called Oillee through one of my lovely clients. I love me a company with integrity… my flax seed oil was delivered a day after it was pressed! It doesn’t get much fresher than that, folks! I also appreciate that the oil comes in a dark glass bottle versus the brand I was previously consuming, which comes in a dark plastic bottle. If you need a good recipe, please refer to my post on Tom’s salad…just throw some oil in it!

 

 

Magnesium For Your Shit Stress

Many clients find me after reaching the end of their rope with meaningless diagnosis (ahem, IBS, ahem), medications, dietary changes, psychics, “healers”….you name it. It’s most rewarding for me to work with new clients who’ve just about exhausted all avenues because they ultimately come to the truth: everyone (especially thyself) is full of shit!

Digging through my blog, you will learn that constipation and gas literally stir up all sorts of shit in your body. Seemingly unrelated symptoms like back pain, belly fat, heartburn, acid reflux, migraines and even fatigue can all be attributed to system backup. One of the most underrated causes of bloating and constipation that is constantly dismissed by doctors and patients alike is stress. It is widely accepted that many degenerative diseases and gastrointestinal distress are caused by stress.

For the most part, life would be boring without its stresses. However, many of my clients (and I assume the general population here in the tri-state area) are burdened daily by the demands of their high-pressure jobs coupled by those of their families. I’ve lived the desk life, so I can empathize. But I was less of the driven type and more of the is-it-five-o-clock-yet? type and I’m not really into the having kids thing, so perhaps it suffices to say my empathy is limited. That said, I’m not disqualified from giving you the following advice based not only on patterns I’ve observed in my clients, but on hard scientific Doody Free Girl evidence.

Do not eat at your desk when you are stressed. If there was a belligerent drunk knocking down the front door of your apartment, your heart rate would rise, adrenaline and cortisol would course through your system and you would instinctively do whatever you could to protect you and your cat. You wouldn’t be able to (nor want to) do all of this while munching on Jackson’s Honest salt and vinegar potato chips. In fact, you would probably vomit. The same thing happens when you eat under pressure at your desk (minus the drunk boyfriend and the cat). Your body will reject the food from a nutrient perspective. Scientists have discovered that the fat tissue around your midsection is active and is actually a member of your endocrine system, holding on to fat as future energy stores. This happens even more so when you’re stressed because your body is less likely to respond to the hormone leptin, which signals when the body is full. Furthermore, your body is in no position to receive nutrients, resulting in knots, bloating and constipation.

So resist any temptation to eat at the desk because it is most likely unwarranted. You are stressed and looking for something to make your boss go away. You are not starving for anything other than magnesium. So reach for a Metagenics MetaRelax beverage instead of a piece of the third office birthday cake this week that tastes like shit anyway.  MetaRelax is a delicious citrus powder supplement sweetened with only stevia that contains 150mg of magnesium, B6, B12, folate and taurine. It is a vegan formula designed to cause the mysterious disappearance of stress, depression, anxiety, constipation and your annoying boss. Magnesium has been proven to aid in 600 enzymatic processes in the body, lower the risk of heart disease, increase calcium absorbency while preventing vascular calcification, lower depression and anxiety, and even move your bowels. I am so excited about this product because I have a hard time swallowing chalky magnesium pills and now I look forward to taking this critical mineral everyday. For those who do not have any issues swallowing pills, Metagenics makes an excellent supplement called Bone Builder, a ratio-balanced blend of magnesium and calcium.

 

magnesium for stress and anxiety relief

 

 

 

Happy MLK Day 2017!!!

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day! Martin Luther King Jr. embodied the true spirit God intended here on Earth. A peaceful protester with a humble righteousness that is not only admirable, but penetrable even 50 years after his passing.

I’ve done a shit job of making and keeping a New Years Resolution this year, but every time I read this MLK quote, I instantly feel like an inferior human being and then resolve to make his words my daily resolution. For anyone who can relate, I’ll be open all day on Monday to purge you of your old ways.

God Bless!

A Tight Squeeze

Yesterday I was wearing these “cool” new yoga leggings, but had to take them off in the middle of the day to work pant-less because they were giving me gas. Not so fucking cool.

I felt the need to write this post because almost instantaneously, my gas went away. Comfort (and especially bowel health) should not be compromised to squeeze into the latest trend, especially when it comes to workout clothing. Clothing is meant to accommodate and cover your body, not squeeze you so tight you have zero room to even pass gas.

Did you know the average person passes a balloon’s worth of gas each day? (Thank you @IFuckingLoveScience). Now imagine if you were unable to pass any gas and how uncomfortable you would generally feel. Gas can make you feel like you’re having a heart attack, give you heartburn, give you back pain and it can make you burp like a trucker – there’s nothing wrong with burping to alleviate the gas pressure, but if you’re burping because you’re majorly backed up, then your fumes probably smell like shit.

You fart a balloon's worth of gas a day

I know a lot of women who are avid Spanx consumers. I find it hard to believe that wearing Spanx on the regular won’t fuck you up in the long run. Dr. Holly of CBS News declares that shapewear is the new girdle, causing all sorts of issues from rib compression to nerve compression, abdominal distention and even blood clotting.  I have always found regular tights to give me gas, so I wouldn’t even dream of spending all day in Spanx. Anything that will hold your stomach in all day, while keeping you from farting is bound to contribute to some major internal gas pressure that will ultimately result in bowel distention. But at least no one will notice because Spanx will be containing your bloated ass…right?!

Rather than continue this torture, I believe the best clothing are stylish, bloat-friendly clothing. I’ve created Pinterest boards for both men and women on what I consider timeless, bloat-friendly fashion. You can now let it all hang out without feeling like a total slob. I will also be creating a board for workout clothing because your midsection should feel sore from your workout, not from your workout clothes.