Breastmilk Is For Babies.

Last year for my birthday, my brother gifted me a 23andMe heredity kit to see if we were, in fact, related. Turns out we are both definitively at least 50% “East Asian & Native American,” which apparently puts me down for “likely lactose intolerant.” I honestly never thought about this. I knew that certain cultures, specifically African Americans and Asians, are generally lactose intolerant. But even though I am genetically predisposed to dairy intolerance, I never gave it a second thought because…well…Got Milk?

too old for dairy

Let’s state the obvious: milk comes from titties! As a baby, you probably breastfed for a few months or maybe even a year or two. If you were me, it only took a week for your mother to say, “fuck this shit” and quickly embrace the convenience of baby formula.

I’m all about breastfeeding if that option is available. According to WebMD, studies have shown that exclusively breastfeeding for up to six months can result in fewer respiratory illnesses, ear infections and bouts of diarrhea. It also can help prevent allergies and asthma. Breastmilk is essentially a natural vaccination as it contains antibiotics that help babies fight infection and disease. However, breastfeeding hurts like hell and not every woman is able to do it for various reasons, so I respect every woman’s decision to breastfeed or not to breastfeed. After all, I was breastfed for one week and didn’t turn out so bad, right? ūüėČ

But let’s examine this scenario with regards to whether or not we should be eating dairy as grown adults: the most one will typically breastfeed is for up to six months, maybe a year. You could even breastfeed for a few years if you and your mother are so inclined because your body is still producing lactase (the enzyme responsible for digesting milk) until you are about four years old, when you will most likely have a full set of teeth (ouch!). Once you turn four years old, your production of lactase drastically decreases, and in some people, it completely stops. So it is no wonder most adults feel bloated and constipated when they eat too much dairy. Additionally, most adults are not ingesting human milk, but cow’s dairy, which contains the casein protein, a known carcinogen according to The China Study by Dr. T. Colin Campbell.

Aside from our physiological evolution, let’s look at the milk itself. Not only is it cruel and unusual punishment to force a cow (or a human) to breastfeed for life, but it is completely unnatural. It is so unnatural, in fact, that hormones and antibiotics must be pumped into these poor animals in order for them to produce enough milk to feed not just a baby calf, but the human race. Consequently, the cow’s udders are squeezed so forcefully that a generous amount of pus and blood is extracted, which is an excellent reason to pasteurize milk. Trust me, this shit ain’t healthy. It causes severe inflammation in the body.

I believe most people instinctually know that dairy is unhealthy and the first thing people tell me when they are trying to lose weight or trying to become vegan is that they are addicted to cheese. I have great news! There are soooo many good cheese alternatives today! Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels, so you won’t be missing that puss-filled shit when you are winning at life. If you are in the NYC area, I encourage you to visit Riverdel Cheese Shop in Brooklyn just to get an idea of how many different puss-free cheeses are out there! Otherwise, many of these brands can be found in specialty health shops and Whole Foods nationwide.

Miyokos Kitchen: my favorite flavor Black Ash, Smoked Farmhouse and Mozz. They also have an excellent vegan butter.

Kite Hill: available at most Whole Foods mixed in with the regular gourmet cheeses. They make the absolute BEST vegan cream cheese Рmy favorite it the jalapeno.  Kite Hill also makes different varieties of almond cheese including cream cheeses, soft cheeses and ricotta. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE their mushroom ricotta ravioli!

Violife: the best shreds for your homemade pizza. Also, the best vegan feta cheese!

Treeline Treenut Cheese: widely available in most health food stores, TreeLine makes a whole line of nut cheeses. My favorite flavors are cracked pepper and chipotle-serrano pepper.

Parmela Creamery: this company makes delicious shredded cheese for tacos and other recipes. They also make a good sliced American cheese among others.

 

Charcoal for Your Ass and Teeth!

Activated charcoal seems to be all the rage this year. Being in the ass business, I’ve learned from Tom DeVito¬†that activated charcoal should be recommended for food poisoning and from Mike Perrine that it can used for heavy metal detox as well. I have also learned from a client that it can help with excessive gas, but if too much is taken, you may find yourself tweezing dehydrated black turds out of your anus with your fingers.

So given the above information, I find it not only interesting, but counter-intuitive that charcoal is now being used as an ingredient in ice creams, bagels, tea, waffles, pizza, juices and lattes. Just because it’s instagram-worthy, doesn’t mean you should ingest it. Activated charcoal is so strong, it is also used by doctors for drug overdoses. The charcoal actually binds to everything in your system, which sounds like an effective insta-detox, but this means you are also detoxing vitamins, minerals and medications from your system as well. It’s been shown to minimize the effectiveness of medications and even birth control!

charcoal ice cream

So while I’m not buying into this fad, I must admit I use charcoal everyday. The one product I am not mad at is activated charcoal toothpaste! You’ve probably seen the Instagram ads for charcoal tooth powder, which I find a bit messy, so I am excited to have discovered the toothpaste. It comes in three flavors (I love the cinnamon clove). I started using this toothpaste very recently on recommendation from a hygienist I visited at Modern Family Dentistry. I explored some natural whitening options with her because I was fed up with all of my tea stains and the ineffectiveness of soft bristle toothbrushes (recommended for those like me who have receding gum lines). The hygienist was not in favor of commercial whitening toothpastes or even baking soda because she believes they are too abrasive. She actually suggested oil pulling and charcoal (although she admitted she needed to research the abrasiveness of charcoal a little more).¬†I have been¬†oil pulling for a while now, but I do not always have 20 spare minutes every morning. I swear this toothpaste turns your teeth from black to white AF in just one use! This speaks to the power of charcoal and how it really should only be used in modern day emergencies like tea-stained teeth. Make sure to rinse well and scrape your black tongue ūüėČ

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Back That Ass Up

I’m a huge fan of the late John. A. Pagano, a chiropractor and free thinker who wrote Healing Psoriasis in the 90s when the United States was heading more in the direction of chemical convenience and less in the direction of holistic healing. I will sum his book up with this: cleanse your liver, get gravity colonics, eat more plants (except nightshades, especially tomatoes), eat less meat (only wild game and fish should be eaten in small doses if at all), eliminate dairy, avoid white flour, drink water, manage your stress and avoid artificial sweeteners.

Being a chiropractor, Dr. Pagano went into the importance of spinal adjustments when addressing skin issues, specifically psoriasis. While I LOOOOOVE the sensation of my ankles, hips, shoulders and back cracking, I’ve had some traumatizing experiences with chiropractors in the past, so I completely skipped that chapter.

If you’ve followed my blog, you know I’ve suffered from mysterious bouts of eczema (at times, it was mis-[self]diagnosed poison ivy). Flare ups would occur occasionally and coincidentally after completing a Liver Cleanse. It’s been about a year now since my last flare up, but I remember having random itchy patches on my shoulders and shins at my friend’s wedding. You can see one of my patches highlighted by my dress.

Psoriasis healed with colonics and chiropractor

I’ve completed more liver cleanses and recommitted to veganism since then and haven’t had an outbreak since the wedding, which leads me to believe Dr. Pagano’s psoriasis / eczema theory is correct: rashes are shit.

Something else that is probably responsible for clearing up my skin is my recommitment to chiropractics about six months ago. I wasn’t ever going to return after having my back re-injured by a chiropractor who felt more like a salesperson than a doctor, but Brian P. Corrigan came highly referred by numerous clients for his miracle work. He’s like a legit version of this dude:

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Did you know that the first spinal adjustment performed cured a man of his deafness? Look that shit up!

I decided to go more out of curiosity than anything else and the price is right: Brian charges $20 for the first visit and $15 for each subsequent visit if you return within the month, making the work accessible to all. While I mainly visit Brian a few times a week because to me, an 8 minute adjustment feels better than an hour full body massage, some unexpected miracles have happened over the course of my bi-weekly (sometimes 3x/week) adjustments. Firstly, a chronic knot in my neck that no masseuse has been able to erase just magically melted away. And secondly, my rashes have not returned.

Dr. Pagano explains:

Can spinal adjustments conceivably aid the skin directly as well as revitalizing the internal organs that eliminate waste and neutralize toxins? I contend that they can and do – particularly general, full-spine adjustments.

The skin is an organ. It is, in fact, the largest organ of the body. Every cell in every organ of the human body must receive electrical (nerve) energy to remain in a state of health, and this organ is no exception. There is, indeed, a nerve supply to the skin itself, and, as Pottenger states, “The structures of the skin, as far as physiologists have been able to determine, possess only sympathetic nerves receiving innervation from the thoracic (dorsal) and upper three lumbar segments.”

Therefore, from the first dorsal down to the third lumbar, a total of fifteen vertebral segments, there is a relationship between the spine and the structures of the skin by way of the nerves that emanate from between these vertebrae. Due to this anatomical-physiological fact, spinal adjustments can indeed benefit dermal structures, whether or not a skin disease is actually present.

I hope this helps anyone looking for alternative therapies to commercial steroidal creams and that sort of shit, which only work temporarily while leaving your skin thin as hell.

Memorial Day Weekend Forecast: Shit

This weekend is looking like rain with a chance of shit balls. So take advantage of this last opportunity to get your beach belly ready for¬†the big reveal! I’m around all weekend, folks. Make your gravity colonic appointment for Saturday or Sunday ūüôā

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Put Your Best Shit Forward

I have a confession: I’m a hypocrite. One of my pet peeves is everyone’s portrayal of perfection on social media, yet I only put my best shit forward as well. You’ve seen my cat, Micro, peeing and pooping like a champ day in and day out on my Instagram Story. She effortlessly hops up on my squatty potty and circles the rim of the toilet seat until she finds a comfortable seat on the edge to squat down and handle her business.

Here’s the shit you don’t see…

social media bloopers

 

Micro was actually consistently going to the toilet until she was spayed just a few weeks ago. Forced to wear the “Cone of Shame,” she had no peripheral vision, so the toilet was out of the question. For the week, I returned the litter box, which confused her a bit. She would pee and poo in it most of the time. That week was actually the first time I ever worried about her peeing everywhere: she tagged¬†her scratchpads, bed, toy and the floor. Now I can recognize the smell of cat pee – it’s fucking disgusting. But guess what gets rid of it? You guessed it…distilled white vinegar.

So we’re back to square one. I opened up a brand new CitiKitty and filled it up with litter for Potty¬†Training 101. Micro is back to peeing and pooping on the toilet, with just a few shit streaks here and there. I’m cool with that…cat pee not so much.

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I felt obligated to write this post for obvious reasons and because I don’t want anyone trying to train their kitty to use the toilet to get discouraged. Think about all the resources (money, GMO corn, bentonite clay, trees) you’ll be saving and above all, litter contains known carcinogens and for the most part is non-biodegradable! Micro didn’t learn to mostly pee and poo in the toilet overnight. It takes a lot of patience, encouragement, and reinforcement with treats, but no more time than it would take to scoop shit out of the litter everyday and then sweep up litter dust from your floors everyday (fuck that).

On a more serious note, I recently listened to¬†Simon Sinek’s enlightening talk about Millennials in the Workplace and how they are a remarkably depressed and insecure generation, which can be directly blamed on social media. I’m forever thankful to only have been exposed to AIM (AOL instant messenger) in college for which to stalk crushes and girls who were¬†cramping my style. I remember only having a literal Facebook and an Internet search¬†engine (googling wasn’t a verb then) to investigate strangers. There were hardly any visuals, but thanks be to Peoplefinder.com, I was able to figure out astrological compatibility!!¬†I resisted¬†Friendster, which was only to be replaced by Facebook towards the end of my senior year of college in 2004. I didn’t quite grasp its relevance nor would I have never predicted the scope in which its broadened communication, encouraged new social networks like Instagram, or revolutionized targeted marketing. Not only are Millennials subject to the perfection pressure from peers, but they are subject to false advertising¬†by asshole corporations.

So what I’m trying to say is, I apologize if my social media makes my bathroom life look perfect. It is anything butt…

 

Wet Dreams

I’m never one to analyze my dreams unless it’s something weird like giving birth, chewing gum sticking to the roof of my mouth or not being able to run away from danger. Apparently, I pop babies out pretty easily, but trying to scrape off chewing gum that’s melted all over the roof of my mouth and my teeth¬†or running away from a murderer literally paralyzes me.¬†I haven’t found one person that relates to me on the gum dream, so I¬†turned to the Interwebs to learn that apparently, I’m having trouble digesting or processing something…ain’t that ironic?! Many people I’ve spoken to have had the “inability to run away from danger” dream. That one represents unconscious frustration or anxiety with a situation. I hate that dream because it causes me physical aches and pain, which¬†signals to me that I am, in fact, dreaming, causing even more stress and anxiety.

Another dream that causes major stress and anxiety for me is having the urge to pee. A recurring dream of mine is having to piss myself with only the most disgusting bathroom available to me. Every fucking time, I am faced with a toilet that is so high that the option to hover is unavailable to my 5 foot [and 2 inches] ass. Additionally, the toilet is overflowing with toilet paper and piss. The water is running and the seat is covered in piss in every single stall! I always make an effort to hover anyway, and start tinkling only to have urine trickle down my thighs and someone else’s urine kiss the back of my knees. I never get to fully relieve myself and the frustration just keeps building. It is at this point that I usually wake up completely relieved that I did not relieve myself in my sheets.

So what does this mean? According to Dreammoods.com, it could symbolize a pun on my “pissy” attitude, a release of negative or repressed emotions, lack of self-worth, I’m about to have an emotional outburst, or perhaps I’m trying to mark my territory. Maybe all of the above? I guess we’ll find out soon, since I had this dream again last week…

A Tight Squeeze

Yesterday I was wearing these “cool” new yoga leggings, but had to take them off in the middle of the day to work pant-less because they were giving me gas. Not so fucking cool.

I felt the need to write this post because almost instantaneously, my gas went away. Comfort (and especially bowel health) should not be compromised to squeeze into the latest trend, especially when it comes to workout clothing. Clothing is meant to accommodate and cover your body, not squeeze you so tight you have zero room to even pass gas.

Did you know the average person passes a balloon’s worth of gas each day? (Thank you @IFuckingLoveScience). Now imagine if you were unable to pass any gas and how uncomfortable you would generally feel. Gas can make you feel like you’re having a heart attack, give you heartburn, give you back pain and it can make you burp like a trucker – there’s nothing wrong with burping to alleviate the gas pressure, but if you’re burping because you’re majorly backed up, then your fumes probably smell like shit.

You fart a balloon's worth of gas a day

I know a lot of women who are avid Spanx consumers. I find it hard to believe that wearing Spanx on the regular won’t fuck you up in the long run. Dr. Holly of CBS News declares that shapewear is the new girdle, causing all sorts of issues from rib compression to nerve compression, abdominal distention and even blood clotting.¬†¬†I have always found regular tights to give me gas, so I wouldn’t even dream of spending all day in Spanx. Anything that will hold your stomach in all day, while keeping you from farting is bound to contribute to some major internal gas pressure that will ultimately result in¬†bowel distention. But at least no one will notice¬†because Spanx will be containing your bloated ass…right?!

Rather than continue this torture, I believe the best clothing are stylish, bloat-friendly clothing. I’ve created Pinterest boards for both men and women on what I consider timeless, bloat-friendly fashion. You can now let it all hang out without feeling like a total slob. I will also be creating a board for workout clothing because your midsection should feel sore from your workout, not from your workout clothes.

Just Add Vinegar.

Growing up, my mother cleaned the entire house every single weekend. I would wake up to the sound of the annoying vacuum cleaner and the pungent smell of vinegar, Clorox bleach and/or Windex. What I would give now to wake up to someone magically cleaning up after me on autopilot week in, week out! Instead, this would start my weekend in a sour mood because I couldn’t hear the TV or Rage Against the Machine (AKA the Good Mother) and the house ironically smelled like shit to me.

I’ve always thought that vinegar smelled like complete ass. I would experience overwhelming disgust when my mother would gleefully diffuse the house with vinegar through the coffee machine. It only took me 35 years to appreciate the cleaning power of this amazingly¬†edible detergent. I just finished cleaning the entire Doody Free Girl studio with distilled white vinegar and am overcome with the same cleaning joy that plagues my mother each week, even though my skin smells like it’s been fermenting in pickle brine. None of that matters when my floors¬†look¬†brighter than ever! White distilled vinegar has ¬†a PH of 2.4, allowing it to easily dissolve all of your nasties. Before using it to clean your entire life, make sure to research thoroughly the surface you plan to use it on because apparently, it is so strong it can actually dissolve granite surfaces. It also makes a great fabric softener (use just 1/4 cup), but I’ve also heard that this can dissolve the hoses and rubber seals of the machine, so please use some discretion.

Using white distilled vinegar is a superior alternative to all of the chemical-laden products on the market and even those marketed as “natural.” Nothing is more natural and non-toxic for your house and your innards than distilled white vinegar. The chemicals found in your average household cleaner can actually affect your endocrine system when inhaled and the amount of anti-bacterial properties can have a devastating antibiotic effect on your home’s probiotics. Just like our bodies, the less good bacteria -or probiotics- that reside in our home, the less immune we are to disease and “superbugs.”¬†

While I love distilled white vinegar for cleaning, for regular ingestion, I highly recommend using raw Apple Cider Vinegar. For those who’ve been following me for a while, you know how much I love ACV. Apple cider vinegar is the ultimate home remedy for just about anything, the most important being acid reflux and gas. Many times, acid reflux is actually a result of an underproduction (not overproduction as commonly assumed) of stomach acid that is pushed upward due to the gas in the intestinal tract. Drinking a teaspoon of raw ACV diluted in a cup of water at least fifteen minutes before a meal aids tremendously in digestion. It is also a great tonic to have first thing in the morning to round out your body’s overnight cleansing fast.

 

 

Happy Holidays!!!

Hanukkah and Christmas fall on the same day/week this year. I will be offering Confession and Mikveh to anyone interested. Book your colonic appointments today!

 

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iPoo on Calling Exboyfriends

I apologize for any texts/calls I may have missed over the weekend. It is very unlike me to not respond within a few hours of receiving a message without good reason. I got my phone back this weekend, but not without a two hour visit to Verizon Wireless and two hours of quality phone time with Apple. At least they give you a choice of music while you hold for a minimum of ten minutes at a time.¬†Their customer service was great… the wait not so much.

The bottom line is I think the new IOS has a serious flaw that resulted in me getting locked out of my phone. I turned my phone off on Friday because it was running slower than usual (I had an iPhone 5c that was slow as shit and I know my Bitmoji app didn’t help matters). When I turned it back on, I was welcomed with an activation screen asking me to enter my exboyfriend’s apple ID and password. This made me completely livid because he has never had anything to do with my cell phone and isn’t exactly the hacker-type, not to mention we don’t even speak! Over three years ago, he borrowed an iPad my brother had gifted me that was never even linked to my account. I only recently activated that iPad and linked it to my account, which required entering my exboyfriend’s Apple ID password in order to unlock it. This required calling my ex, having him create a new Apple ID password since he forgot it (he only recently got an iPhone), engage him in small talk while we wait for him to graciously receive the password recovery email and then shoot myself in the face for forcing the both of us to endure said awkward exchange.

So imagine my delight on Friday when I turned my cell phone on only to encounter that familiar activation¬†screen asking for my exboyfriend’s apple ID password! Apparently, I am destined to be forever haunted by the Macintosh of exboyfriends past. I definitely did NOT want to ask¬†my ex for any more favors (my ego can only take so much bruising!). In a state of panic, I rushed to Verizon as soon as I could after my clients on Saturday. I ended up spending a few hours there, half of which were spent on the phone with Apple. The good news is I can get access to my phone with proof of purchase, but this could take up to a week after submitting the receipt. Until I resolve this issue with Apple, I won’t have access to old photos and text messages.¬†So I got a new phone (the iPhone 7 camera is the shit!) and created a new cloud to ensure this never happen again. I never really use the cloud because frankly, I don’t get the point and I don’t want my 1,768 photos on every single one of my devices since I probably don’t even want about 1,700 of them! But apparently, I used the cloud sparingly enough that my contacts were shared on my iPad, so I was¬†able to sync my contacts from my iPad using the Verizon Content Transfer app. Thank God!

On Sunday, I proved my IOS hypothesis to be¬†correct when I upgraded the IOS system on an old iPad (not the one my ex borrowed) and I received the same fucking activation screen asking for his password. Just like my phone, he never had anything to do with this iPad. So I had to get on the phone with Apple once again and submit proof of purchase. Now we wait…

I forgot to mention that throughout this entire debacle, I’ve sent my exboyfriend a Facebook friend request, a five page message on both Facebook messenger and text message, and left him a long-winded voicemail explaining this entire situation.

He has not responded. iLose.

 

baby on phone
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