Great Minds Shit Alike.

I had the honor of talking shit with one of my health and colonic mentors, Mike Perrine, on his EveryDayDetox podcast. Mike is the owner of Vitality NYC, where I work on the first Tuesday of every month. You can book me for a colonic in NYC on the Vitality NYC website. Hope you enjoy listening to our chat!

 

Breastmilk Is For Babies.

Last year for my birthday, my brother gifted me a 23andMe heredity kit to see if we were, in fact, related. Turns out we are both definitively at least 50% “East Asian & Native American,” which apparently puts me down for “likely lactose intolerant.” I honestly never thought about this. I knew that certain cultures, specifically African Americans and Asians, are generally lactose intolerant. But even though I am genetically predisposed to dairy intolerance, I never gave it a second thought because…well…Got Milk?

too old for dairy

Let’s state the obvious: milk comes from titties! As a baby, you probably breastfed for a few months or maybe even a year or two. If you were me, it only took a week for your mother to say, “fuck this shit” and quickly embrace the convenience of baby formula.

I’m all about breastfeeding if that option is available. According to WebMD, studies have shown that exclusively breastfeeding for up to six months can result in fewer respiratory illnesses, ear infections and bouts of diarrhea. It also can help prevent allergies and asthma. Breastmilk is essentially a natural vaccination as it contains antibiotics that help babies fight infection and disease. However, breastfeeding hurts like hell and not every woman is able to do it for various reasons, so I respect every woman’s decision to breastfeed or not to breastfeed. After all, I was breastfed for one week and didn’t turn out so bad, right? ūüėČ

But let’s examine this scenario with regards to whether or not we should be eating dairy as grown adults: the most one will typically breastfeed is for up to six months, maybe a year. You could even breastfeed for a few years if you and your mother are so inclined because your body is still producing lactase (the enzyme responsible for digesting milk) until you are about four years old, when you will most likely have a full set of teeth (ouch!). Once you turn four years old, your production of lactase drastically decreases, and in some people, it completely stops. So it is no wonder most adults feel bloated and constipated when they eat too much dairy. Additionally, most adults are not ingesting human milk, but cow’s dairy, which contains the casein protein, a known carcinogen according to The China Study by Dr. T. Colin Campbell.

Aside from our physiological evolution, let’s look at the milk itself. Not only is it cruel and unusual punishment to force a cow (or a human) to breastfeed for life, but it is completely unnatural. It is so unnatural, in fact, that hormones and antibiotics must be pumped into these poor animals in order for them to produce enough milk to feed not just a baby calf, but the human race. Consequently, the cow’s udders are squeezed so forcefully that a generous amount of pus and blood is extracted, which is an excellent reason to pasteurize milk. Trust me, this shit ain’t healthy. It causes severe inflammation in the body.

I believe most people instinctually know that dairy is unhealthy and the first thing people tell me when they are trying to lose weight or trying to become vegan is that they are addicted to cheese. I have great news! There are soooo many good cheese alternatives today! Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels, so you won’t be missing that puss-filled shit when you are winning at life. If you are in the NYC area, I encourage you to visit Riverdel Cheese Shop in Brooklyn just to get an idea of how many different puss-free cheeses are out there! Otherwise, many of these brands can be found in specialty health shops and Whole Foods nationwide.

Miyokos Kitchen: my favorite flavor Black Ash, Smoked Farmhouse and Mozz. They also have an excellent vegan butter.

Kite Hill: available at most Whole Foods mixed in with the regular gourmet cheeses. They make the absolute BEST vegan cream cheese Рmy favorite it the jalapeno.  Kite Hill also makes different varieties of almond cheese including cream cheeses, soft cheeses and ricotta. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE their mushroom ricotta ravioli!

Violife: the best shreds for your homemade pizza. Also, the best vegan feta cheese!

Treeline Treenut Cheese: widely available in most health food stores, TreeLine makes a whole line of nut cheeses. My favorite flavors are cracked pepper and chipotle-serrano pepper.

Parmela Creamery: this company makes delicious shredded cheese for tacos and other recipes. They also make a good sliced American cheese among others.

 

Summer Smooth Move Smoothie

Green smoothies are my favorite breakfast or lunch and sometimes I have a smoothie for both breakfast and lunch!¬†Having a green smoothie is a fast and easy way to make sure you are getting your greens, antioxidants, vitamins, fiber and a good shit. Depending on what you put in your smoothies, they are generally easy to digest. I suggest you quit playing yourself and¬†get a Vitamix blender, which will literally take years off of your life. It can blend anything into a velvety smooth, easy-to-digest texture in a matter of minutes and it also cleans itself in less than a minute by blending soapy water at high speed. After years of convincing myself I didn’t need a Vitamix, I finally purchased a reconditioned Vitamix from William Sonoma, which comes with a 5 year warrantee and will probably last a lifetime.¬†If you sign on to Williams Sonoma newsletter, you will get an extra 15% off and free shipping as well, so take advantage of our faltering retail economy. The newer models have a cool single-serve cup attachment, but based on the reviews and that they cost a million dollars, they seem to have more challenges than they’re worth. I recommend sticking to the older models. That said, below is my favorite dairy free green smoothie that you can quickly whip up every morning before work. You’ll feel healthy, hydrated, and light as a feather after your smooth, smoothie poo. Other welcomed side effects include satisfaction, more energy, heightened senses, less cravings, clear skin, sex appeal and magical powers.¬†All ingredients can be purchased online thanks to FreshDirect and HealthForceSuperfoods.com. My secret smoothie ingredient is¬†Anita’s Creamline Coconut Yogurt. Anita’s Creamline Coconut Yogurt is the only yogurt I recommend eating everyday. It contains only three ingredients: coconut, coconut water and cultures (no added sugars or bullshit). It is made in small batches in Brooklyn and now widely available via Fresh Direct. Health Alliance’s Vitamineral Green powder is one of the few (if not the only) green powder available with the utmost integrity. Bonus: this smoothie is delicious and satisfying in more ways than one ūüėČ

Summer Smooth Move Smoothie (2 servings)

2 mangos (my favorite are fresh Mexcian Ataulfo mangos, but any frozen variety will do) 1 salad’s worth of spinach (or other green of your choice) 1/2 cup water 1/3 cup Anita’s Creamline Coconut Yogurt 1 scoop Glutagenics 1.5 Tablespoons Vitamineral Green 1 frozen banana (I like to keep peeled bananas cut into thirds in the freezer at all times)

Blend that shit. Enjoy! 

smoothie in Vitamix

Put Your Best Shit Forward

I have a confession: I’m a hypocrite. One of my pet peeves is everyone’s portrayal of perfection on social media, yet I only put my best shit forward as well. You’ve seen my cat, Micro, peeing and pooping like a champ day in and day out on my Instagram Story. She effortlessly hops up on my squatty potty and circles the rim of the toilet seat until she finds a comfortable seat on the edge to squat down and handle her business.

Here’s the shit you don’t see…

social media bloopers

 

Micro was actually consistently going to the toilet until she was spayed just a few weeks ago. Forced to wear the “Cone of Shame,” she had no peripheral vision, so the toilet was out of the question. For the week, I returned the litter box, which confused her a bit. She would pee and poo in it most of the time. That week was actually the first time I ever worried about her peeing everywhere: she tagged¬†her scratchpads, bed, toy and the floor. Now I can recognize the smell of cat pee – it’s fucking disgusting. But guess what gets rid of it? You guessed it…distilled white vinegar.

So we’re back to square one. I opened up a brand new CitiKitty and filled it up with litter for Potty¬†Training 101. Micro is back to peeing and pooping on the toilet, with just a few shit streaks here and there. I’m cool with that…cat pee not so much.

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I felt obligated to write this post for obvious reasons and because I don’t want anyone trying to train their kitty to use the toilet to get discouraged. Think about all the resources (money, GMO corn, bentonite clay, trees) you’ll be saving and above all, litter contains known carcinogens and for the most part is non-biodegradable! Micro didn’t learn to mostly pee and poo in the toilet overnight. It takes a lot of patience, encouragement, and reinforcement with treats, but no more time than it would take to scoop shit out of the litter everyday and then sweep up litter dust from your floors everyday (fuck that).

On a more serious note, I recently listened to¬†Simon Sinek’s enlightening talk about Millennials in the Workplace and how they are a remarkably depressed and insecure generation, which can be directly blamed on social media. I’m forever thankful to only have been exposed to AIM (AOL instant messenger) in college for which to stalk crushes and girls who were¬†cramping my style. I remember only having a literal Facebook and an Internet search¬†engine (googling wasn’t a verb then) to investigate strangers. There were hardly any visuals, but thanks be to Peoplefinder.com, I was able to figure out astrological compatibility!!¬†I resisted¬†Friendster, which was only to be replaced by Facebook towards the end of my senior year of college in 2004. I didn’t quite grasp its relevance nor would I have never predicted the scope in which its broadened communication, encouraged new social networks like Instagram, or revolutionized targeted marketing. Not only are Millennials subject to the perfection pressure from peers, but they are subject to false advertising¬†by asshole corporations.

So what I’m trying to say is, I apologize if my social media makes my bathroom life look perfect. It is anything butt…

 

Magnesium For Your Shit Stress

Many clients¬†find me after reaching the¬†end of their rope with meaningless diagnosis (ahem, IBS, ahem), medications, dietary changes, psychics, “healers”….you name it. It’s most rewarding for me to work with new clients who’ve just about exhausted all avenues¬†because they ultimately come to the truth:¬†everyone (especially thyself) is full of shit!

Digging through my blog, you will learn that constipation and gas literally stir up all sorts of shit in your body. Seemingly unrelated symptoms like back pain, belly fat, heartburn, acid reflux, migraines and even fatigue can all be attributed to system backup. One of the most underrated causes of bloating and constipation that is constantly dismissed by doctors and patients alike is stress. It is widely accepted that many degenerative diseases and gastrointestinal distress are caused by stress.

For the most part, life would be boring without its stresses. However,¬†many of my clients (and I assume the general population here in the tri-state area) are burdened daily by the demands of their high-pressure jobs coupled by those of their families. I’ve lived the desk life, so I can empathize. But I was less of the driven type and more of the is-it-five-o-clock-yet? type and I’m not really into the having kids thing, so perhaps it suffices to say my empathy is limited. That said, I’m not disqualified from¬†giving you the following advice based not only on patterns I’ve observed in my clients, but on hard scientific Doody Free Girl evidence.

Do not eat at your desk when you are stressed. If there was a belligerent drunk knocking¬†down the front door of your apartment, your heart rate would rise, adrenaline and cortisol would course through your system and you would instinctively do whatever you could to protect you and your cat. You wouldn’t be able to (nor want to) do all of this while munching on Jackson’s Honest salt and vinegar potato chips. In fact, you¬†would probably vomit.¬†The same thing happens when you eat under pressure at your desk (minus the drunk boyfriend and the cat). Your body¬†will reject the food from a nutrient perspective. Scientists have discovered that the fat tissue around your midsection is active and is actually a member of¬†your endocrine system, holding on to fat as future energy stores. This happens even more so when you’re stressed because your body is less likely to respond to the hormone leptin, which signals when the body is full. Furthermore, your body is in no position to receive nutrients, resulting in knots, bloating and constipation.

So resist any temptation to eat at the desk because it is most likely unwarranted. You are stressed and looking for something to make your boss go away. You are not starving for anything other than magnesium. So reach for a Metagenics MetaRelax beverage instead of a piece of the third office birthday cake this week that tastes like shit anyway.  MetaRelax is a delicious citrus powder supplement sweetened with only stevia that contains 150mg of magnesium, B6, B12, folate and taurine. It is a vegan formula designed to cause the mysterious disappearance of stress, depression, anxiety, constipation and your annoying boss. Magnesium has been proven to aid in 600 enzymatic processes in the body, lower the risk of heart disease, increase calcium absorbency while preventing vascular calcification, lower depression and anxiety, and even move your bowels. I am so excited about this product because I have a hard time swallowing chalky magnesium pills and now I look forward to taking this critical mineral everyday. For those who do not have any issues swallowing pills, Metagenics makes an excellent supplement called Bone Builder, a ratio-balanced blend of magnesium and calcium.

 

magnesium for stress and anxiety relief

 

 

 

iPoo on Calling Exboyfriends

I apologize for any texts/calls I may have missed over the weekend. It is very unlike me to not respond within a few hours of receiving a message without good reason. I got my phone back this weekend, but not without a two hour visit to Verizon Wireless and two hours of quality phone time with Apple. At least they give you a choice of music while you hold for a minimum of ten minutes at a time.¬†Their customer service was great… the wait not so much.

The bottom line is I think the new IOS has a serious flaw that resulted in me getting locked out of my phone. I turned my phone off on Friday because it was running slower than usual (I had an iPhone 5c that was slow as shit and I know my Bitmoji app didn’t help matters). When I turned it back on, I was welcomed with an activation screen asking me to enter my exboyfriend’s apple ID and password. This made me completely livid because he has never had anything to do with my cell phone and isn’t exactly the hacker-type, not to mention we don’t even speak! Over three years ago, he borrowed an iPad my brother had gifted me that was never even linked to my account. I only recently activated that iPad and linked it to my account, which required entering my exboyfriend’s Apple ID password in order to unlock it. This required calling my ex, having him create a new Apple ID password since he forgot it (he only recently got an iPhone), engage him in small talk while we wait for him to graciously receive the password recovery email and then shoot myself in the face for forcing the both of us to endure said awkward exchange.

So imagine my delight on Friday when I turned my cell phone on only to encounter that familiar activation¬†screen asking for my exboyfriend’s apple ID password! Apparently, I am destined to be forever haunted by the Macintosh of exboyfriends past. I definitely did NOT want to ask¬†my ex for any more favors (my ego can only take so much bruising!). In a state of panic, I rushed to Verizon as soon as I could after my clients on Saturday. I ended up spending a few hours there, half of which were spent on the phone with Apple. The good news is I can get access to my phone with proof of purchase, but this could take up to a week after submitting the receipt. Until I resolve this issue with Apple, I won’t have access to old photos and text messages.¬†So I got a new phone (the iPhone 7 camera is the shit!) and created a new cloud to ensure this never happen again. I never really use the cloud because frankly, I don’t get the point and I don’t want my 1,768 photos on every single one of my devices since I probably don’t even want about 1,700 of them! But apparently, I used the cloud sparingly enough that my contacts were shared on my iPad, so I was¬†able to sync my contacts from my iPad using the Verizon Content Transfer app. Thank God!

On Sunday, I proved my IOS hypothesis to be¬†correct when I upgraded the IOS system on an old iPad (not the one my ex borrowed) and I received the same fucking activation screen asking for his password. Just like my phone, he never had anything to do with this iPad. So I had to get on the phone with Apple once again and submit proof of purchase. Now we wait…

I forgot to mention that throughout this entire debacle, I’ve sent my exboyfriend a Facebook friend request, a five page message on both Facebook messenger and text message, and left him a long-winded voicemail explaining this entire situation.

He has not responded. iLose.

 

baby on phone
www.niceshirtbaby.com

 

Protein Makes You Constipated

Somewhere along the line, a cultural obsession with protein developed along with the desire to look like this:

 

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Because that’s normal…

I know what bodybuilders go through to look like this and it involves¬†a lot of dead¬†chickens, food obsessing, no life outside the gym, fat burning pills, zero shits (but infinite fucks) and intentional dehydration. I don’t understand why this sounds appealing only to end up looking like The Hulk and forever shop in Plus Size (or not….)

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Aside from thinking bodybuilding is some weird shit, I want to drive home the point that we are a protein-obsessed culture. Friends and clients alike ask me all the time how I get my protein since I don’t eat meat or fish. Vegans will always pose the argument that we get substantial, if not excess protein from plant food because a lot of our leafy greens contain the amino acids necessary to build complete proteins in our bodies. One cup of spinach has 7 grams of protein! I mean, have you seen the guns on Popeye!

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Meat on the other hand, is a complete protein, which requires our bodies to break down the amino acids before assimilating it. Additionally, some of the proteins are destroyed from cooking. Heavy meat eating can also result in heart and kidney issues, so the healthiest way to get your protein is from your veggies.

So for¬†all my protein-obsessed vegans, there are ways to get beefy without eating beef. My friend and idol, Mike Perrine (@EveryDayDetox), offers up his perfected protein shake recipe. Mike is the biggest fucking vegan hipster, foodie,¬†health-nut¬†kinda dude and yes¬†ladies, he’ll make you some pickles¬†(Tinder profile photo below. Popeye resemblance?).

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Follow his Snapchat to learn some invaluable shit, including how to make smoothies the right way and where to find vintage graffiti in NYC. After weeks of begging, he finally produced this recipe chock full of protein derived from hemp seeds. Hemp seeds pack a whopping 5 grams of protein per tablespoon along with 6 times more omega-3s than tuna, plus they’re rich in¬†fiber and trace minerals. It’s pretty much a perfect food.

protein shake vegan

 

THE PERRINE GREEN HEMP BROTEIN SMOOTHIE – makes 24 oz.

3 T hemp protein
2 T Vitamineral Green
3 Medjool Dates
3 Dried Turkish Figs
Pinch of Celtic Sea Salt
3 C Fresh Almond Walnut Milk (wtf Mike! Who has time for this shit?!)
15 (16 is poisonous) Raw Cacao beans (optional)

  1. Check your dried fruits for bugs and pits.
  2. If you have the time, soak your dates and figs in the nut milk for twenty minutes to one hour.
  3. In a Vitamix blend the first six ingredients until smooth.
  4. Add the cacao beans and pulse for 5 seconds to create the chocolate chip effect.