The Vanity Mirror

For such an appropriately beautiful word, “vanity” has a bad rep. If you know me personally or have read or listened to any of my interviews, you know I unapologetically got into my line of work ten years ago for vanity and vanity alone. I had no digestive issues, no major recovery, no comeback story. I just wanted to look my best and I learned that detoxing is the most natural and sustainable means to achieving optimal outer beauty.

It’s healthy to care about your appearance. Vanity can actually play a role in disease and humiliation prevention. Had we never looked in the mirror, certain cancers and liver disease would go undiagnosed, weight would creep on faster, repulsive whiteheads (and greenheads) would remain undisturbed and coagulated mucus would have time to harden and stick to the walls of our noses. Needful to say, vanity is a fragile tight rope resting between healthy and unhealthy obsession.

Growing up, my brother and I shared a bathroom. To his dismay, I would annoyingly spend an hour before bed each night indulging in my facial routine followed by a close up analysis of every pore and hair on my face, tweezer in hand. Thank God I never had one of those magnifying mirrors. I would have spent half of the evening mutilating my face!

Upon reflection, my vanity seemed to mark the beginning of my obsession with all things bathroom-related. I remember when my mother redecorated the bathroom and threw up a flattering mauve wallpaper because only then did I realize the significance of a room’s lighting. You’d think this made me feel good about myself (or at least pursue photography), but it only made me question whether the flattering reflection was an accurate depiction of my true appearance as I migrated to a different mirror for comparison. Needless to say, I was a textbook case of someone suffering from dysfunctional vanity that  perhaps led to a mild case of body dysmorphia.

bathroom vanity

A quick google search reveals that we spend about 1.5 years in the bathroom in a lifetime. I’ve experienced an inverse relationship between the amount of time spent in the bathroom and clear skin. A healthy diet is the ultimate skin routine promoting healthy bowel movements (ie detoxification), which requires little time on the bowl. Additionally, less time staring in the mirror, washing/stripping your skin, slathering on toxic products and picking/squeezing encourages skin regeneration and repair. Ironically, a low maintenance daily routine is the key to clear skin. Less is fucking more.

Often I am asked what I use on my skin, which is why I developed the Skin Cleanse on my services menu. You can subscribe to the Skin Cleanse newsletter on the Gravity Colonic Prices page for my full skin regime and recommendations. Spoiler alert: it involves a plant-based, dirtbag lifestyle. Products last forever in my medicine cabinet because I only oil cleanse my face 1-2 times per week. While I don’t believe in the consumerism surrounding commercial skin products, I am a fucking sucker for all things natural. Currently, my fave skincare is Marie Veronique’s line because she incorporates both probiotics and essential oils that smell divine in each product. Probiotics are naturally found on our skin and serve as a protectant. This is why washing your face 1-2 times EVERY FUCKING DAY is no bueno.

In summation, I encourage you to look in the mirror only to embrace your beauty.  If you’re hating what you see, I dare you to embark on a mirror fast while adopting the healthy habits I share in my Skin Cleanse newsletter. True beauty is truly skin deep…like 25 intestinal feet deep. Watch your skin clear up and your innards beauty shine through your pores. Namaste.

xoxo jen

 

Grow Your Shit.

Other than my intestines, I admittedly don’t know where all of my shit comes from. I try to be mindful of what I eat most of the time (no animal products, organic when possible, minimal processed foods, etc etc), but how the fuck does lettuce grow?

With the way of the world and our food system, our health is literally in our hands. I’m tired of complaining about how shitty we treat our animals, how much pesticide is in our produce, how every “natural” product we purchase is wrapped in plastic, how GMOs are an abusive scandal, and how this country is controlled by Big Pharma and the meat & dairy industries. Don’t get me wrong, I always enjoy talking shit, but the bottom line is the only way to guarantee clean food is to grow and make it ourselves.

Our culture has grown so distant from food production that unless you’re a factory farm “slave” worker (I don’t reasonably believe anyone wants to kill animals for a living) or an agricultural “slave” farmer (more on that in the expose documentary, Food Chains), we practically have no idea how to feed ourselves from scratch. So I decided to try growing my own shit for the first time this summer and I am excited to share that it is much easier to grow lettuce than you may think (or not have thought about at all!).

I have both an outdoor garden plot in the Brunswick Garden right across the street from the Brunswick Center and an aeroponic Tower Garden in the Doody Free Girl studio. Growing veggies outdoors involves more effort and way more patience than growing indoors. You first need to check the soil for any heavy metal contamination, take time to water your garden, check for potential pests and respond accordingly, and weed…often. Furthermore, outdoor veggies grow at a snail’s pace without Miracle Grow. So far, I’ve harvested a shitload of breakfast radishes, which are the only veggies that seem to grow quickly and easily (for me anyway). I’m still waiting on my carrots, which are currently as thin and disappointing as a pencil thin bowel movement.

I highly recommend an indoor aeroponic Tower Garden, which ensures you know that your plant food is receiving filtered water, optimal nutrients and NO pesticides. I do not, however, recommend it for those in a studio apartment because the LED grow lights must be on for 14 hours each day and they’re bright as hell. But if you can deal with the light, you can grow lettuce (and herbs, tomatoes, cucumbers, kale etc etc) all year long. It took me just under two months from receiving my order to harvest lettuce that replenishes itself overnight. I purchased everything online from TowerGarden.com, which has endless tutorial videos to accompany your order. Make sure to also purchase the LED Indoor Grow Lights and the Tower Garden Dolly from the site.

If this Tower Garden endeavor isn’t that appealing to you or your pets, you can start with a countertop Aerogarden, which grows just as well. Just grow something! I swear you will feel like a fucking magician! I still can’t believe this actually worked out for me…

Tower Garden aeroponic lettuce

Floatation Therapy Open in Jersey City! (And other local spa favorites)

If you don’t follow the Hoboken Girl Blog, you’re missing out because I am a regular contributor for all things vegan, health and wellness in Jersey City! Om.life wellness spa just opened in Jersey City and I couldn’t be more excited to share the benefits of floating. Nourishing to the mind, body and spirit, floating in a tank concentrated with more salt than the Dead Sea is the most rejuvenating experience. I’ve already floated at Om.life in Paulus Hook (Jersey City) twice and cannot wait to return, especially because the 90 minute float has majorly loosened up my neck. Read all about it here. 

I also wrote a Jersey City massage round-up of the best masseuses in town. I’ve only personally visited Knead, FreedOm Therapeutics (right here in the Brunswick Center, the Doody Free Girl HQ), and my favorite chiropractor, but everyone else on the list has a cult following and comes highly recommended, so check it out and get rubbed.

I am also proud to say that my review of Sojo Spa in Edgewater, NJ was the second most visited post on the Hoboken Girl blog in 2017! And there’s good reason for that – this five floor spa is simply one-of-a-kind. I definitely recommend visiting this place on a weekday in the morning /mid-day if possible because it turns into a fucking zoo on the weekends and in the evenings (open til midnight). Sojo Spa has five different infrared saunas, halotherapy, outdoor hot tubs open year round, a Shiatsu room (full-body Shiatsu and reflexology massage are my fave) and other spa services.

Lastly, the Hoboken Girl herself, Jennifer Tripucka, wrote a non-sponsored review of my “spa” services back in 2016. You can read all about her ass cleaning here. She obviously has good taste and has feelers on everything happening in this town, so keep up!

 

And book your colonic here. I’ll be open all day tomorrow for MLK Day, so email me for appointments jen@doodyfreegirl.com 🙂

floatation therapy, cryotherapy and infrared sauna at om.life in jersey city
Post-float journaling at Om.life

 

 

Jersey CitiKitty

For those following Micro’s potty training journey, I owe you a CitiKitty update. It’s taken about a year to train her because I had to start from scratch after she was “fixed” this past spring. After surgery, she had to wear the cone of shame, which made jumping up onto the toilet next to impossible. So I temporarily reintroduced the litter box so she would stop pissing everywhere. In case you were unaware, cat pee smells worse than ordinary pee, but it’s nothing a lot of distilled white vinegar can’t take care of.

Since the cone was sheer torture for myself and little Micro, I purchased a suitical recovery suit (picture below). Suiticals are just as effective as the cone in preventing your beast from removing its stitches, but it allows for a lot more mobility, not to mention peripheral vision. I figured this would allow her to get up on the toilet, but I was wrong. She would pee in the litter most times, but I would still find pee in unsuspecting areas.

cat wearing suitical (instead of cat cone) during CitiKitty potty training
Litter and toys and shit everywhere…

 

However, there was the added bonus of the suitical acting as a thunder jacket as well. Normally spunky with intimacy issues, Micro was the most cuddly kitty ever when she had her suitical on. I mistakenly attributed this to her having her libido ripped out, but once the suitical came off, she was back to her old ways (except for the potty trained part). She was still fucking peeing everywhere.

So I had to purchase another CitiKitty and start from scratch in May. So one year and two CitiKittys later, I finally removed the CitiKitty from the toilet yesterday and she successfully peed in the toilet. Since she is a small cat, I did change the toilet seat out for a magnetic potty training seat, which you can find at Home Depot. It’s the shit. I just lift up the potty training seat when I have to pee the same way dudes lift up the regular seat. And the same way a gentleman puts the seat down, I make sure to put the potty training seat down so the munchkin doesn’t fall in while she’s peeing. I must admit that she still poops on the floor right next to the toilet about 60% of the time and frankly, I’m cool with that. 

 

 

 

Breastmilk Is For Babies.

Last year for my birthday, my brother gifted me a 23andMe heredity kit to see if we were, in fact, related. Turns out we are both definitively at least 50% “East Asian & Native American,” which apparently puts me down for “likely lactose intolerant.” I honestly never thought about this. I knew that certain cultures, specifically African Americans and Asians, are generally lactose intolerant. But even though I am genetically predisposed to dairy intolerance, I never gave it a second thought because…well…Got Milk?

too old for dairy

Let’s state the obvious: milk comes from titties! As a baby, you probably breastfed for a few months or maybe even a year or two. If you were me, it only took a week for your mother to say, “fuck this shit” and quickly embrace the convenience of baby formula.

I’m all about breastfeeding if that option is available. According to WebMD, studies have shown that exclusively breastfeeding for up to six months can result in fewer respiratory illnesses, ear infections and bouts of diarrhea. It also can help prevent allergies and asthma. Breastmilk is essentially a natural vaccination as it contains antibiotics that help babies fight infection and disease. However, breastfeeding hurts like hell and not every woman is able to do it for various reasons, so I respect every woman’s decision to breastfeed or not to breastfeed. After all, I was breastfed for one week and didn’t turn out so bad, right? 😉

But let’s examine this scenario with regards to whether or not we should be eating dairy as grown adults: the most one will typically breastfeed is for up to six months, maybe a year. You could even breastfeed for a few years if you and your mother are so inclined because your body is still producing lactase (the enzyme responsible for digesting milk) until you are about four years old, when you will most likely have a full set of teeth (ouch!). Once you turn four years old, your production of lactase drastically decreases, and in some people, it completely stops. So it is no wonder most adults feel bloated and constipated when they eat too much dairy. Additionally, most adults are not ingesting human milk, but cow’s dairy, which contains the casein protein, a known carcinogen according to The China Study by Dr. T. Colin Campbell.

Aside from our physiological evolution, let’s look at the milk itself. Not only is it cruel and unusual punishment to force a cow (or a human) to breastfeed for life, but it is completely unnatural. It is so unnatural, in fact, that hormones and antibiotics must be pumped into these poor animals in order for them to produce enough milk to feed not just a baby calf, but the human race. Consequently, the cow’s udders are squeezed so forcefully that a generous amount of pus and blood is extracted, which is an excellent reason to pasteurize milk. Trust me, this shit ain’t healthy. It causes severe inflammation in the body.

I believe most people instinctually know that dairy is unhealthy and the first thing people tell me when they are trying to lose weight or trying to become vegan is that they are addicted to cheese. I have great news! There are soooo many good cheese alternatives today! Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels, so you won’t be missing that puss-filled shit when you are winning at life. If you are in the NYC area, I encourage you to visit Riverdel Cheese Shop in Brooklyn just to get an idea of how many different puss-free cheeses are out there! Otherwise, many of these brands can be found in specialty health shops and Whole Foods nationwide.

Miyokos Kitchen: my favorite flavor Black Ash, Smoked Farmhouse and Mozz. They also have an excellent vegan butter.

Kite Hill: available at most Whole Foods mixed in with the regular gourmet cheeses. They make the absolute BEST vegan cream cheese – my favorite it the jalapeno.  Kite Hill also makes different varieties of almond cheese including cream cheeses, soft cheeses and ricotta. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE their mushroom ricotta ravioli!

Violife: the best shreds for your homemade pizza. Also, the best vegan feta cheese!

Treeline Treenut Cheese: widely available in most health food stores, TreeLine makes a whole line of nut cheeses. My favorite flavors are cracked pepper and chipotle-serrano pepper.

Parmela Creamery: this company makes delicious shredded cheese for tacos and other recipes. They also make a good sliced American cheese among others.

 

Summer Smooth Move Smoothie

Green smoothies are my favorite breakfast or lunch and sometimes I have a smoothie for both breakfast and lunch! Having a green smoothie is a fast and easy way to make sure you are getting your greens, antioxidants, vitamins, fiber and a good shit. Depending on what you put in your smoothies, they are generally easy to digest. I suggest you quit playing yourself and get a Vitamix blender, which will literally take years off of your life. It can blend anything into a velvety smooth, easy-to-digest texture in a matter of minutes and it also cleans itself in less than a minute by blending soapy water at high speed. After years of convincing myself I didn’t need a Vitamix, I finally purchased a reconditioned Vitamix from William Sonoma, which comes with a 5 year warrantee and will probably last a lifetime. If you sign on to Williams Sonoma newsletter, you will get an extra 15% off and free shipping as well, so take advantage of our faltering retail economy. The newer models have a cool single-serve cup attachment, but based on the reviews and that they cost a million dollars, they seem to have more challenges than they’re worth. I recommend sticking to the older models. That said, below is my favorite dairy free green smoothie that you can quickly whip up every morning before work. You’ll feel healthy, hydrated, and light as a feather after your smooth, smoothie poo. Other welcomed side effects include satisfaction, more energy, heightened senses, less cravings, clear skin, sex appeal and magical powers. All ingredients can be purchased online thanks to FreshDirect and HealthForceSuperfoods.com. My secret smoothie ingredient is Anita’s Creamline Coconut Yogurt. Anita’s Creamline Coconut Yogurt is the only yogurt I recommend eating everyday. It contains only three ingredients: coconut, coconut water and cultures (no added sugars or bullshit). It is made in small batches in Brooklyn and now widely available via Fresh Direct. Health Alliance’s Vitamineral Green powder is one of the few (if not the only) green powder available with the utmost integrity. Bonus: this smoothie is delicious and satisfying in more ways than one 😉

Summer Smooth Move Smoothie (2 servings)

2 mangos (my favorite are fresh Mexcian Ataulfo mangos, but any frozen variety will do) 1 salad’s worth of spinach (or other green of your choice) 1/2 cup water 1/3 cup Anita’s Creamline Coconut Yogurt 1 scoop Glutagenics 1.5 Tablespoons Vitamineral Green 1 frozen banana (I like to keep peeled bananas cut into thirds in the freezer at all times)

Blend that shit. Enjoy! 

smoothie in Vitamix

Back That Ass Up

I’m a huge fan of the late John. A. Pagano, a chiropractor and free thinker who wrote Healing Psoriasis in the 90s when the United States was heading more in the direction of chemical convenience and less in the direction of holistic healing. I will sum his book up with this: cleanse your liver, get gravity colonics, eat more plants (except nightshades, especially tomatoes), eat less meat (only wild game and fish should be eaten in small doses if at all), eliminate dairy, avoid white flour, drink water, manage your stress and avoid artificial sweeteners.

Being a chiropractor, Dr. Pagano went into the importance of spinal adjustments when addressing skin issues, specifically psoriasis. While I LOOOOOVE the sensation of my ankles, hips, shoulders and back cracking, I’ve had some traumatizing experiences with chiropractors in the past, so I completely skipped that chapter.

If you’ve followed my blog, you know I’ve suffered from mysterious bouts of eczema (at times, it was mis-[self]diagnosed poison ivy). Flare ups would occur occasionally and coincidentally after completing a Liver Cleanse. It’s been about a year now since my last flare up, but I remember having random itchy patches on my shoulders and shins at my friend’s wedding. You can see one of my patches highlighted by my dress.

Psoriasis healed with colonics and chiropractor

I’ve completed more liver cleanses and recommitted to veganism since then and haven’t had an outbreak since the wedding, which leads me to believe Dr. Pagano’s psoriasis / eczema theory is correct: rashes are shit.

Something else that is probably responsible for clearing up my skin is my recommitment to chiropractics about six months ago. I wasn’t ever going to return after having my back re-injured by a chiropractor who felt more like a salesperson than a doctor, but Brian P. Corrigan came highly referred by numerous clients for his miracle work. He’s like a legit version of this dude:

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Did you know that the first spinal adjustment performed cured a man of his deafness? Look that shit up!

I decided to go more out of curiosity than anything else and the price is right: Brian charges $20 for the first visit and $15 for each subsequent visit if you return within the month, making the work accessible to all. While I mainly visit Brian a few times a week because to me, an 8 minute adjustment feels better than an hour full body massage, some unexpected miracles have happened over the course of my bi-weekly (sometimes 3x/week) adjustments. Firstly, a chronic knot in my neck that no masseuse has been able to erase just magically melted away. And secondly, my rashes have not returned.

Dr. Pagano explains:

Can spinal adjustments conceivably aid the skin directly as well as revitalizing the internal organs that eliminate waste and neutralize toxins? I contend that they can and do – particularly general, full-spine adjustments.

The skin is an organ. It is, in fact, the largest organ of the body. Every cell in every organ of the human body must receive electrical (nerve) energy to remain in a state of health, and this organ is no exception. There is, indeed, a nerve supply to the skin itself, and, as Pottenger states, “The structures of the skin, as far as physiologists have been able to determine, possess only sympathetic nerves receiving innervation from the thoracic (dorsal) and upper three lumbar segments.”

Therefore, from the first dorsal down to the third lumbar, a total of fifteen vertebral segments, there is a relationship between the spine and the structures of the skin by way of the nerves that emanate from between these vertebrae. Due to this anatomical-physiological fact, spinal adjustments can indeed benefit dermal structures, whether or not a skin disease is actually present.

I hope this helps anyone looking for alternative therapies to commercial steroidal creams and that sort of shit, which only work temporarily while leaving your skin thin as hell.

Memorial Day Weekend Forecast: Shit

This weekend is looking like rain with a chance of shit balls. So take advantage of this last opportunity to get your beach belly ready for the big reveal! I’m around all weekend, folks. Make your gravity colonic appointment for Saturday or Sunday 🙂

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Put Your Best Shit Forward

I have a confession: I’m a hypocrite. One of my pet peeves is everyone’s portrayal of perfection on social media, yet I only put my best shit forward as well. You’ve seen my cat, Micro, peeing and pooping like a champ day in and day out on my Instagram Story. She effortlessly hops up on my squatty potty and circles the rim of the toilet seat until she finds a comfortable seat on the edge to squat down and handle her business.

Here’s the shit you don’t see…

social media bloopers

 

Micro was actually consistently going to the toilet until she was spayed just a few weeks ago. Forced to wear the “Cone of Shame,” she had no peripheral vision, so the toilet was out of the question. For the week, I returned the litter box, which confused her a bit. She would pee and poo in it most of the time. That week was actually the first time I ever worried about her peeing everywhere: she tagged her scratchpads, bed, toy and the floor. Now I can recognize the smell of cat pee – it’s fucking disgusting. But guess what gets rid of it? You guessed it…distilled white vinegar.

So we’re back to square one. I opened up a brand new CitiKitty and filled it up with litter for Potty Training 101. Micro is back to peeing and pooping on the toilet, with just a few shit streaks here and there. I’m cool with that…cat pee not so much.

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I felt obligated to write this post for obvious reasons and because I don’t want anyone trying to train their kitty to use the toilet to get discouraged. Think about all the resources (money, GMO corn, bentonite clay, trees) you’ll be saving and above all, litter contains known carcinogens and for the most part is non-biodegradable! Micro didn’t learn to mostly pee and poo in the toilet overnight. It takes a lot of patience, encouragement, and reinforcement with treats, but no more time than it would take to scoop shit out of the litter everyday and then sweep up litter dust from your floors everyday (fuck that).

On a more serious note, I recently listened to Simon Sinek’s enlightening talk about Millennials in the Workplace and how they are a remarkably depressed and insecure generation, which can be directly blamed on social media. I’m forever thankful to only have been exposed to AIM (AOL instant messenger) in college for which to stalk crushes and girls who were cramping my style. I remember only having a literal Facebook and an Internet search engine (googling wasn’t a verb then) to investigate strangers. There were hardly any visuals, but thanks be to Peoplefinder.com, I was able to figure out astrological compatibility!! I resisted Friendster, which was only to be replaced by Facebook towards the end of my senior year of college in 2004. I didn’t quite grasp its relevance nor would I have never predicted the scope in which its broadened communication, encouraged new social networks like Instagram, or revolutionized targeted marketing. Not only are Millennials subject to the perfection pressure from peers, but they are subject to false advertising by asshole corporations.

So what I’m trying to say is, I apologize if my social media makes my bathroom life look perfect. It is anything butt…

 

Wet Dreams

I’m never one to analyze my dreams unless it’s something weird like giving birth, chewing gum sticking to the roof of my mouth or not being able to run away from danger. Apparently, I pop babies out pretty easily, but trying to scrape off chewing gum that’s melted all over the roof of my mouth and my teeth or running away from a murderer literally paralyzes me. I haven’t found one person that relates to me on the gum dream, so I turned to the Interwebs to learn that apparently, I’m having trouble digesting or processing something…ain’t that ironic?! Many people I’ve spoken to have had the “inability to run away from danger” dream. That one represents unconscious frustration or anxiety with a situation. I hate that dream because it causes me physical aches and pain, which signals to me that I am, in fact, dreaming, causing even more stress and anxiety.

Another dream that causes major stress and anxiety for me is having the urge to pee. A recurring dream of mine is having to piss myself with only the most disgusting bathroom available to me. Every fucking time, I am faced with a toilet that is so high that the option to hover is unavailable to my 5 foot [and 2 inches] ass. Additionally, the toilet is overflowing with toilet paper and piss. The water is running and the seat is covered in piss in every single stall! I always make an effort to hover anyway, and start tinkling only to have urine trickle down my thighs and someone else’s urine kiss the back of my knees. I never get to fully relieve myself and the frustration just keeps building. It is at this point that I usually wake up completely relieved that I did not relieve myself in my sheets.

So what does this mean? According to Dreammoods.com, it could symbolize a pun on my “pissy” attitude, a release of negative or repressed emotions, lack of self-worth, I’m about to have an emotional outburst, or perhaps I’m trying to mark my territory. Maybe all of the above? I guess we’ll find out soon, since I had this dream again last week…