Wet Dreams

I’m never one to analyze my dreams unless it’s something weird like giving birth, chewing gum sticking to the roof of my mouth or not being able to run away from danger. Apparently, I pop babies out pretty easily, but trying to scrape off chewing gum that’s melted all over the roof of my mouthContinue reading “Wet Dreams”

The Festival Poo

Talk about pooping at music festivals has come up a lot this past week. I guess it’s getting to be that time of year. One of my favorite clients just returned from the Envision Festival in Costa Rica. I’d like to think I can hang with dirty hippies, but everything about this festival looks likeContinue reading “The Festival Poo”

Fart Basel Miami 2015

Art Basel Miami – one of the world’s biggest art shows for art collectors and spectators alike – just wrapped up its 13th annual show complete with art, swanky parties, stabbings, and such….but don’t worry, @FartBasel has got you covered… What you know about my GREEN FART SQUAD!? ☘ #kimsimonson #fartbasel #artbasel A photo posted byContinue reading “Fart Basel Miami 2015”

Moving Toilets and Whatnot.

I’ve made it safely to Lobitos, Peru, but not without any bathroom issues. Bathroom problems only leave room for solutions and blog material, so I welcome a good bathroom challenge. I hope to enlighten you. Getting to Lobitos entails a 19 hour bus ride from Lima with no bathroom stops, subjecting passengers to the movingContinue reading “Moving Toilets and Whatnot.”

The Airplane Poo.

I’m at the airport squeezing in one last blog post before my flight to Peru, and hopefully soon squeezing out a nice juicy log before boarding time. As I sit here in the lavish business center I think I just snuck into, I can’t help but think about that one time I actually took aContinue reading “The Airplane Poo.”

Cover Or Hover?

Once again, my mother is to blame for my paranoia. She has had almost complete control of my bathroom habits for the first half of my life thus far. It was with her that I first experienced the luxury of a public restroom, but not without fear of contracting a life-threatening virus. She showed me the properContinue reading “Cover Or Hover?”

The 60 Percent.

In observance of Holy Week, I would like to point out a modern day blessing: the public restroom. For most parts of the USA, we not only have access to toilets in our home, but in our parks, schools, stores, cafes, restaurants, etc. It’s hard to imagine a world where we cannot relieve ourselves inContinue reading “The 60 Percent.”

The Window of Opportunity.

We only get a small window of opportunity in which to take advantage of nature’s call. I urge you to never ever ignore or even delay the calling. I am definitely guilty of ignoring the calling while I’m working, especially during those early morning colonic appointments right after my coffee, but I pride myself inContinue reading “The Window of Opportunity.”

Never Hold It In!!

It took me much of my adolescence to overcome my fear of any unexpected self-inflicted bodily violence in the form of food rejecting barf or explosive diarrhea. As a child, every time I threw up, I would immediately cry. Perhaps it was the feeling of hot lava burning my esophagus followed by the aftertaste ofContinue reading “Never Hold It In!!”

Who Do You Trust?

I remember the first time I talked about poop with a girlfriend better than I remember the first time I had sex (unfortunately, I think girls invest more anxiety into the former rather than the latter). This grade school friend of mine was in the bathroom with me and made fun of me for lookingContinue reading “Who Do You Trust?”