Breastmilk Is For Babies.

Last year for my birthday, my brother gifted me a 23andMe heredity kit to see if we were, in fact, related. Turns out we are both definitively at least 50% “East Asian & Native American,” which apparently puts me down for “likely lactose intolerant.” I honestly never thought about this. I knew that certain cultures, specifically African Americans and Asians, are generally lactose intolerant. But even though I am genetically predisposed to dairy intolerance, I never gave it a second thought because…well…Got Milk?

too old for dairy

Let’s state the obvious: milk comes from titties! As a baby, you probably breastfed for a few months or maybe even a year or two. If you were me, it only took a week for your mother to say, “fuck this shit” and quickly embrace the convenience of baby formula.

I’m all about breastfeeding if that option is available. According to WebMD, studies have shown that exclusively breastfeeding for up to six months can result in fewer respiratory illnesses, ear infections and bouts of diarrhea. It also can help prevent allergies and asthma. Breastmilk is essentially a natural vaccination as it contains antibiotics that help babies fight infection and disease. However, breastfeeding hurts like hell and not every woman is able to do it for various reasons, so I respect every woman’s decision to breastfeed or not to breastfeed. After all, I was breastfed for one week and didn’t turn out so bad, right? ūüėČ

But let’s examine this scenario with regards to whether or not we should be eating dairy as grown adults: the most one will typically breastfeed is for up to six months, maybe a year. You could even breastfeed for a few years if you and your mother are so inclined because your body is still producing lactase (the enzyme responsible for digesting milk) until you are about four years old, when you will most likely have a full set of teeth (ouch!). Once you turn four years old, your production of lactase drastically decreases, and in some people, it completely stops. So it is no wonder most adults feel bloated and constipated when they eat too much dairy. Additionally, most adults are not ingesting human milk, but cow’s dairy, which contains the casein protein, a known carcinogen according to The China Study by Dr. T. Colin Campbell.

Aside from our physiological evolution, let’s look at the milk itself. Not only is it cruel and unusual punishment to force a cow (or a human) to breastfeed for life, but it is completely unnatural. It is so unnatural, in fact, that hormones and antibiotics must be pumped into these poor animals in order for them to produce enough milk to feed not just a baby calf, but the human race. Consequently, the cow’s udders are squeezed so forcefully that a generous amount of pus and blood is extracted, which is an excellent reason to pasteurize milk. Trust me, this shit ain’t healthy. It causes severe inflammation in the body.

I believe most people instinctually know that dairy is unhealthy and the first thing people tell me when they are trying to lose weight or trying to become vegan is that they are addicted to cheese. I have great news! There are soooo many good cheese alternatives today! Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels, so you won’t be missing that puss-filled shit when you are winning at life. If you are in the NYC area, I encourage you to visit Riverdel Cheese Shop in Brooklyn just to get an idea of how many different puss-free cheeses are out there! Otherwise, many of these brands can be found in specialty health shops and Whole Foods nationwide.

Miyokos Kitchen: my favorite flavor Black Ash, Smoked Farmhouse and Mozz. They also have an excellent vegan butter.

Kite Hill: available at most Whole Foods mixed in with the regular gourmet cheeses. They make the absolute BEST vegan cream cheese Рmy favorite it the jalapeno.  Kite Hill also makes different varieties of almond cheese including cream cheeses, soft cheeses and ricotta. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE their mushroom ricotta ravioli!

Violife: the best shreds for your homemade pizza. Also, the best vegan feta cheese!

Treeline Treenut Cheese: widely available in most health food stores, TreeLine makes a whole line of nut cheeses. My favorite flavors are cracked pepper and chipotle-serrano pepper.

Parmela Creamery: this company makes delicious shredded cheese for tacos and other recipes. They also make a good sliced American cheese among others.

 

Memorial Day Weekend Forecast: Shit

This weekend is looking like rain with a chance of shit balls. So take advantage of this last opportunity to get your beach belly ready for¬†the big reveal! I’m around all weekend, folks. Make your gravity colonic appointment for Saturday or Sunday ūüôā

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Put Your Best Shit Forward

I have a confession: I’m a hypocrite. One of my pet peeves is everyone’s portrayal of perfection on social media, yet I only put my best shit forward as well. You’ve seen my cat, Micro, peeing and pooping like a champ day in and day out on my Instagram Story. She effortlessly hops up on my squatty potty and circles the rim of the toilet seat until she finds a comfortable seat on the edge to squat down and handle her business.

Here’s the shit you don’t see…

social media bloopers

 

Micro was actually consistently going to the toilet until she was spayed just a few weeks ago. Forced to wear the “Cone of Shame,” she had no peripheral vision, so the toilet was out of the question. For the week, I returned the litter box, which confused her a bit. She would pee and poo in it most of the time. That week was actually the first time I ever worried about her peeing everywhere: she tagged¬†her scratchpads, bed, toy and the floor. Now I can recognize the smell of cat pee – it’s fucking disgusting. But guess what gets rid of it? You guessed it…distilled white vinegar.

So we’re back to square one. I opened up a brand new CitiKitty and filled it up with litter for Potty¬†Training 101. Micro is back to peeing and pooping on the toilet, with just a few shit streaks here and there. I’m cool with that…cat pee not so much.

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I felt obligated to write this post for obvious reasons and because I don’t want anyone trying to train their kitty to use the toilet to get discouraged. Think about all the resources (money, GMO corn, bentonite clay, trees) you’ll be saving and above all, litter contains known carcinogens and for the most part is non-biodegradable! Micro didn’t learn to mostly pee and poo in the toilet overnight. It takes a lot of patience, encouragement, and reinforcement with treats, but no more time than it would take to scoop shit out of the litter everyday and then sweep up litter dust from your floors everyday (fuck that).

On a more serious note, I recently listened to¬†Simon Sinek’s enlightening talk about Millennials in the Workplace and how they are a remarkably depressed and insecure generation, which can be directly blamed on social media. I’m forever thankful to only have been exposed to AIM (AOL instant messenger) in college for which to stalk crushes and girls who were¬†cramping my style. I remember only having a literal Facebook and an Internet search¬†engine (googling wasn’t a verb then) to investigate strangers. There were hardly any visuals, but thanks be to Peoplefinder.com, I was able to figure out astrological compatibility!!¬†I resisted¬†Friendster, which was only to be replaced by Facebook towards the end of my senior year of college in 2004. I didn’t quite grasp its relevance nor would I have never predicted the scope in which its broadened communication, encouraged new social networks like Instagram, or revolutionized targeted marketing. Not only are Millennials subject to the perfection pressure from peers, but they are subject to false advertising¬†by asshole corporations.

So what I’m trying to say is, I apologize if my social media makes my bathroom life look perfect. It is anything butt…

 

Magnesium For Your Shit Stress

Many clients¬†find me after reaching the¬†end of their rope with meaningless diagnosis (ahem, IBS, ahem), medications, dietary changes, psychics, “healers”….you name it. It’s most rewarding for me to work with new clients who’ve just about exhausted all avenues¬†because they ultimately come to the truth:¬†everyone (especially thyself) is full of shit!

Digging through my blog, you will learn that constipation and gas literally stir up all sorts of shit in your body. Seemingly unrelated symptoms like back pain, belly fat, heartburn, acid reflux, migraines and even fatigue can all be attributed to system backup. One of the most underrated causes of bloating and constipation that is constantly dismissed by doctors and patients alike is stress. It is widely accepted that many degenerative diseases and gastrointestinal distress are caused by stress.

For the most part, life would be boring without its stresses. However,¬†many of my clients (and I assume the general population here in the tri-state area) are burdened daily by the demands of their high-pressure jobs coupled by those of their families. I’ve lived the desk life, so I can empathize. But I was less of the driven type and more of the is-it-five-o-clock-yet? type and I’m not really into the having kids thing, so perhaps it suffices to say my empathy is limited. That said, I’m not disqualified from¬†giving you the following advice based not only on patterns I’ve observed in my clients, but on hard scientific Doody Free Girl evidence.

Do not eat at your desk when you are stressed. If there was a belligerent drunk knocking¬†down the front door of your apartment, your heart rate would rise, adrenaline and cortisol would course through your system and you would instinctively do whatever you could to protect you and your cat. You wouldn’t be able to (nor want to) do all of this while munching on Jackson’s Honest salt and vinegar potato chips. In fact, you¬†would probably vomit.¬†The same thing happens when you eat under pressure at your desk (minus the drunk boyfriend and the cat). Your body¬†will reject the food from a nutrient perspective. Scientists have discovered that the fat tissue around your midsection is active and is actually a member of¬†your endocrine system, holding on to fat as future energy stores. This happens even more so when you’re stressed because your body is less likely to respond to the hormone leptin, which signals when the body is full. Furthermore, your body is in no position to receive nutrients, resulting in knots, bloating and constipation.

So resist any temptation to eat at the desk because it is most likely unwarranted. You are stressed and looking for something to make your boss go away. You are not starving for anything other than magnesium. So reach for a Metagenics MetaRelax beverage instead of a piece of the third office birthday cake this week that tastes like shit anyway.  MetaRelax is a delicious citrus powder supplement sweetened with only stevia that contains 150mg of magnesium, B6, B12, folate and taurine. It is a vegan formula designed to cause the mysterious disappearance of stress, depression, anxiety, constipation and your annoying boss. Magnesium has been proven to aid in 600 enzymatic processes in the body, lower the risk of heart disease, increase calcium absorbency while preventing vascular calcification, lower depression and anxiety, and even move your bowels. I am so excited about this product because I have a hard time swallowing chalky magnesium pills and now I look forward to taking this critical mineral everyday. For those who do not have any issues swallowing pills, Metagenics makes an excellent supplement called Bone Builder, a ratio-balanced blend of magnesium and calcium.

 

magnesium for stress and anxiety relief

 

 

 

A Tight Squeeze

Yesterday I was wearing these “cool” new yoga leggings, but had to take them off in the middle of the day to work pant-less because they were giving me gas. Not so fucking cool.

I felt the need to write this post because almost instantaneously, my gas went away. Comfort (and especially bowel health) should not be compromised to squeeze into the latest trend, especially when it comes to workout clothing. Clothing is meant to accommodate and cover your body, not squeeze you so tight you have zero room to even pass gas.

Did you know the average person passes a balloon’s worth of gas each day? (Thank you @IFuckingLoveScience). Now imagine if you were unable to pass any gas and how uncomfortable you would generally feel. Gas can make you feel like you’re having a heart attack, give you heartburn, give you back pain and it can make you burp like a trucker – there’s nothing wrong with burping to alleviate the gas pressure, but if you’re burping because you’re majorly backed up, then your fumes probably smell like shit.

You fart a balloon's worth of gas a day

I know a lot of women who are avid Spanx consumers. I find it hard to believe that wearing Spanx on the regular won’t fuck you up in the long run. Dr. Holly of CBS News declares that shapewear is the new girdle, causing all sorts of issues from rib compression to nerve compression, abdominal distention and even blood clotting.¬†¬†I have always found regular tights to give me gas, so I wouldn’t even dream of spending all day in Spanx. Anything that will hold your stomach in all day, while keeping you from farting is bound to contribute to some major internal gas pressure that will ultimately result in¬†bowel distention. But at least no one will notice¬†because Spanx will be containing your bloated ass…right?!

Rather than continue this torture, I believe the best clothing are stylish, bloat-friendly clothing. I’ve created Pinterest boards for both men and women on what I consider timeless, bloat-friendly fashion. You can now let it all hang out without feeling like a total slob. I will also be creating a board for workout clothing because your midsection should feel sore from your workout, not from your workout clothes.

Just Add Vinegar.

Growing up, my mother cleaned the entire house every single weekend. I would wake up to the sound of the annoying vacuum cleaner and the pungent smell of vinegar, Clorox bleach and/or Windex. What I would give now to wake up to someone magically cleaning up after me on autopilot week in, week out! Instead, this would start my weekend in a sour mood because I couldn’t hear the TV or Rage Against the Machine (AKA the Good Mother) and the house ironically smelled like shit to me.

I’ve always thought that vinegar smelled like complete ass. I would experience overwhelming disgust when my mother would gleefully diffuse the house with vinegar through the coffee machine. It only took me 35 years to appreciate the cleaning power of this amazingly¬†edible detergent. I just finished cleaning the entire Doody Free Girl studio with distilled white vinegar and am overcome with the same cleaning joy that plagues my mother each week, even though my skin smells like it’s been fermenting in pickle brine. None of that matters when my floors¬†look¬†brighter than ever! White distilled vinegar has ¬†a PH of 2.4, allowing it to easily dissolve all of your nasties. Before using it to clean your entire life, make sure to research thoroughly the surface you plan to use it on because apparently, it is so strong it can actually dissolve granite surfaces. It also makes a great fabric softener (use just 1/4 cup), but I’ve also heard that this can dissolve the hoses and rubber seals of the machine, so please use some discretion.

Using white distilled vinegar is a superior alternative to all of the chemical-laden products on the market and even those marketed as “natural.” Nothing is more natural and non-toxic for your house and your innards than distilled white vinegar. The chemicals found in your average household cleaner can actually affect your endocrine system when inhaled and the amount of anti-bacterial properties can have a devastating antibiotic effect on your home’s probiotics. Just like our bodies, the less good bacteria -or probiotics- that reside in our home, the less immune we are to disease and “superbugs.”¬†

While I love distilled white vinegar for cleaning, for regular ingestion, I highly recommend using raw Apple Cider Vinegar. For those who’ve been following me for a while, you know how much I love ACV. Apple cider vinegar is the ultimate home remedy for just about anything, the most important being acid reflux and gas. Many times, acid reflux is actually a result of an underproduction (not overproduction as commonly assumed) of stomach acid that is pushed upward due to the gas in the intestinal tract. Drinking a teaspoon of raw ACV diluted in a cup of water at least fifteen minutes before a meal aids tremendously in digestion. It is also a great tonic to have first thing in the morning to round out your body’s overnight cleansing fast.

 

 

iPoo on Calling Exboyfriends

I apologize for any texts/calls I may have missed over the weekend. It is very unlike me to not respond within a few hours of receiving a message without good reason. I got my phone back this weekend, but not without a two hour visit to Verizon Wireless and two hours of quality phone time with Apple. At least they give you a choice of music while you hold for a minimum of ten minutes at a time.¬†Their customer service was great… the wait not so much.

The bottom line is I think the new IOS has a serious flaw that resulted in me getting locked out of my phone. I turned my phone off on Friday because it was running slower than usual (I had an iPhone 5c that was slow as shit and I know my Bitmoji app didn’t help matters). When I turned it back on, I was welcomed with an activation screen asking me to enter my exboyfriend’s apple ID and password. This made me completely livid because he has never had anything to do with my cell phone and isn’t exactly the hacker-type, not to mention we don’t even speak! Over three years ago, he borrowed an iPad my brother had gifted me that was never even linked to my account. I only recently activated that iPad and linked it to my account, which required entering my exboyfriend’s Apple ID password in order to unlock it. This required calling my ex, having him create a new Apple ID password since he forgot it (he only recently got an iPhone), engage him in small talk while we wait for him to graciously receive the password recovery email and then shoot myself in the face for forcing the both of us to endure said awkward exchange.

So imagine my delight on Friday when I turned my cell phone on only to encounter that familiar activation¬†screen asking for my exboyfriend’s apple ID password! Apparently, I am destined to be forever haunted by the Macintosh of exboyfriends past. I definitely did NOT want to ask¬†my ex for any more favors (my ego can only take so much bruising!). In a state of panic, I rushed to Verizon as soon as I could after my clients on Saturday. I ended up spending a few hours there, half of which were spent on the phone with Apple. The good news is I can get access to my phone with proof of purchase, but this could take up to a week after submitting the receipt. Until I resolve this issue with Apple, I won’t have access to old photos and text messages.¬†So I got a new phone (the iPhone 7 camera is the shit!) and created a new cloud to ensure this never happen again. I never really use the cloud because frankly, I don’t get the point and I don’t want my 1,768 photos on every single one of my devices since I probably don’t even want about 1,700 of them! But apparently, I used the cloud sparingly enough that my contacts were shared on my iPad, so I was¬†able to sync my contacts from my iPad using the Verizon Content Transfer app. Thank God!

On Sunday, I proved my IOS hypothesis to be¬†correct when I upgraded the IOS system on an old iPad (not the one my ex borrowed) and I received the same fucking activation screen asking for his password. Just like my phone, he never had anything to do with this iPad. So I had to get on the phone with Apple once again and submit proof of purchase. Now we wait…

I forgot to mention that throughout this entire debacle, I’ve sent my exboyfriend a Facebook friend request, a five page message on both Facebook messenger and text message, and left him a long-winded voicemail explaining this entire situation.

He has not responded. iLose.

 

baby on phone
www.niceshirtbaby.com

 

Because Your Home Shouldn’t Smell Like Sh*t!

I keep promising everyone a blog post on how to keep your home smelling as sweet as the Doody Free shop. My secret weapon is this nebulizing essential oil diffuser and of course, essential oils. As you may know, I like to diffuse lemongrass. The nebulizing diffuser is definitely superior to humidifying diffusers. I use both, but the nebulizing diffuser extracts the oil straight from the bottle, creating a richer, more potent scent that really fills the room, especially larger rooms. You can adjust the timer as you please. I like to have it diffuse the essential oil for five or ten minutes straight every twenty minutes. Beware that it is loud AF. I guess that is the major complaint with this diffuser, but I find it to be nothing more more annoying than white noise, an excellent substitute for the smell of shit.

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