I write to normalize the sacred act of taking a dump.
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Why do your legs fall asleep while you’re trying to drop a deuce, you ask? The basic answer is that the position you are sitting in is compressing certain nerves and veins that restrict blood flow to your legs, causing…
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Water Constipation.
Are you retaining water? I’m not talking about feeling bloated in the traditional sense. I’m talking swollen arms, fingers, legs, and feet. Don’t worry. You’re not fat. You’re just really dehydrated. When your body is starved for hydration, your cells…
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The Window of Opportunity.
We only get a small window of opportunity in which to take advantage of nature’s call. I urge you to never ever ignore or even delay the calling. I am definitely guilty of ignoring the calling while I’m working, especially…
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The Menstrual Poop.
In high school, I would get sent home on the regular for passing out from my debilitating menstrual cramps. Passing out would give me the same instant relief like throwing up or having diarrhea. I wonder if I can survive giving…
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Eco-friendly & Butt-friendly One-Ply.
I’ve already established that I’m a fan of one-ply toilet paper understandably so. But for those who refuse to demote themselves to the degrading one-ply, I encourage you to a) think about the toilet paper shortages all over the world (I’ll be running…
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Never Hold It In!!
It took me much of my adolescence to overcome my fear of any unexpected self-inflicted bodily violence in the form of food rejecting barf or explosive diarrhea. As a child, every time I threw up, I would immediately cry. Perhaps…
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Express Yourself.
Today was a “water day” and not because it’s raining outside, but because the water at the Doody Free Girl headquarters was shut off due to maintenance, and therefore, all colonic appointments had to be cancelled. So I got to…
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The Most Important Conversation.
A special bond forms when talking crap with my clients. I stick tubes up their rears and diarrhea of the mouth ensues. I always joke that I have really gotten to know NYC through the rear, but it’s the truth.…
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Who Do You Trust?
I remember the first time I talked about poop with a girlfriend better than I remember the first time I had sex (unfortunately, I think girls invest more anxiety into the former rather than the latter). This grade school friend…
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Because Sleep Farts Happen.
A client last week told me that a fart woke her up that morning. Better her than her boyfriend. Mastering the silent rip is an art. Ladies, we all fart in our sleep. Sleep farts are a necessary evil that…
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