If a woman is eating for two, shouldn’t she be pooping for two?? I’ve never been pregnant, but everyone knows pregnant women don’t poop. I’ve been asking all my pregnant clients for some tips & tricks to share with the rest of the knocked up population. It seems like everyone has a different opinion with regards to supplements, foods etc, but one thing seems to work consistently for everyone: enemas! I would not advise a pregnant woman to get a colonic unless she’d been getting colonics regularly pre-preggers, so the next best thing to unclog those baby pipes is to administer an enema at home.
1. Put the enema bag (Doody Free Girls only recommends the Cara enema bag) together as per directions, fill it up about 2/3 full with room temperature or warm filtered water and hang it from your towel rack in the bathroom.
2. Lube up the enema nozzle with some olive oil and stick it up your rectum while you are laying on the floor on your left side.
3. Unclip the tap so that water flows into you until you feel full, but not to the point where you want to implode. Remove the nozzle from your rectum.
4. Flip on to your back and rub your belly until you can’t hold it any longer and then sit on the toilet with your feet propped up on either a Squatty Potty or your garbage can so that your knees are elevated (this is the position you should always poop in).
5. Crap your brains out. Repeat as necessary until you feel relief.
I sat on my first heated toilet seat complete with bidet and booty dryer this weekend at Mashiko in Seattle. Although this sushi joint impressed me from the gratuitous stash of SushiWhore magnets to their use of sustainable/reusable chopsticks made from surplus wheat supplies, their exclusively sustainable fish menu, and the mere existence of a luxury toilet seat in the bathroom, I’m sad to report that my first luxury toilet seat experience was an utter fail.
Maybe I’m being a little dramatic. The heated seat was very inviting and in fact, I did not want to get up, but the other functions were a) complicated and b) ergonomically incorrect. Considering all the time I spent trying to figure out the buttons on the side panel of the toilet, I’m ashamed to say I never even pooped. All this work just to pee. There were a total of ten buttons with labels that read shower, bidet, heat, dryer etc. I was most excited to try the bidet function. However, the bidet function blindly beelines water into your crack. I found this moistening irritating, not cleansing. I spent a lot of time deciding whether to try the shower button for obvious reasons. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. Was I about to get rained on? No. I just received another shot of water from the front end in addition to the back end. Neither one reached my rectum nor my vagina. I was sort of okay with this only because I was psyched to try the dryer function and figured if I ever purchased one of these toilet seats, I could adjust the water hoses. But the dryer was no Xlerator. It was one of those frustrating mild, stuffy, why-do-my-hands-feel-dirtier?, I’m-just-going-to-use-paper kind of dryers. So I ended up using more toilet paper than usual to dry my drenched genitalia and actually washed my hands because I felt a little filthy.
I’m not one to flush the toilet every time I pee for the sake of conserving water, but trust me, there are never any logs floating around in my toilet. I’m not that disgusting. So this takes me to a very important topic directed at girls and guys alike, but mostly guys.
Clean your toilet. I don’t care if there is mellow yellow pee in the bowl, but if your pee is of the unfiltered apple juice variety, please flush and drink some water. Also, dust on the toilet and around the base of the commode is a complete turn-off. I’m not sure why that is more unacceptable than stale piss sitting in the toilet, but it is what it is. Use a toilet brush. I don’t want to see pink or any other colored mildew growing on the porcelain. If there is one household item you should clean everyday, it’s your toilet. It’s the one seat that gets the most use in your home and you should take pride in its appearance.
Bidets rule. I never really quite understood why people chuckle when confronted with a bidet. I grew up with a bidet in my home, so I never thought they were weird. But now I can appreciate why they are so funny after doing a bit of research into their history and principal uses.
The bidet was invented by the French in the late 17th century and the word “bidet” is the French word for pony. Now that’s hilarious! One of the bidet’s first uses was to clean one’s genitalia before and after sex. Their most common use in modernage is to wash one’s anus after taking a dump. Bidets are actually pretty commonplace in most countries except for the US. In fact, countries like India and Japan are getting creative and merging the toilet and the bidet into one. Some of these devices even have seat warmers, dryers, and carbon filters to reduce odor.