Girls can be brutal. The other week on my way back from a very heavy meat-eating ski weekend, I had to drop an overdue stank load at a Whole Foods bathroom on my way home. I had way too much winter clothes on to fuss through my bag for my Poopourri to mask the gnarly stench I was imposing on the helpless victims neighboring my stall. Some girl entered the stall next to me and passive aggressively addresses me out loud, “Smells like shit in here!” I wanted to retaliate so bad with “Yes, because people really do come in here to pee and poop.”
Then today, I was in frigging church and a girl entering the bathroom on my way out says to me “smells like shit in here!” That’s just breaking all sorts of Sunday Cardinal Rules in my book. Even though it wasn’t me in this case, I didn’t feel the need to defend myself, nor should anyone ever have to explain themselves for dropping a deuce in a toilet as long as they flush and don’t leave a mess. What ever happened to Girl Code???
But I digress. Today is Day Five of my Liver Cleanse and I am so excited that I start the fun part tomorrow, that the apple cider did not phase me one bit today! I went to the market today to prepare for the big day tomorrow. I need to drink 32 ounces of apple cider in the morning tomorrow and then have a very plain lunch (Mortiz recommends white rice with cooked vegetables seasoned with only sea or rock salt) by 1:30pm. Then I’ll be fasting for about 20 hours while I drink Epsom salt water in intervals beginning at 6pm.
Yup, it’s a thing. Last year, celebrities like Matt Damon got involved with the UN to spread awareness on the global issue of open defecation on November 19th, which was declared World Toilet Day in 2001 by the World Toilet Organization. Open defecation is common in countries like India, where lack of toilets pose a major problem. Without a private place to take care of business, the general population is forced to either go in the woods, on the sidewalk, on the beach, or basically anywhere in the natural open. This leaves many susceptible to disease resulting from a contaminated water supply and even atrocities like rape and murder. Women are the most vulnerable when left to handle their poop and menstruation business out in the open. World Toilet Day serves as a means to spread global awareness on this shitty issue.
So there have been a crapload of toilets built around the world in the last few years as a result of this global campaign to build toilets. For example, Who Gives A Crap is donating 50% of their tree-free toilet paper proceeds to help build toilets for those in need (they’re toilet paper is the shit!). The next step is getting the targeted populations to use them! Many cultures are averse to crapping where they eat. The Hindu population in India, for instance, prefer to poop far away from the house because according to the “Laws of Manu,” this avoids ritual impurity. Many cultures also view bathrooms as dark, scary places.
It’s time to take pride in our public and private bathrooms. Ladies, let’s be ladies. Let’s keep our public bathrooms clean and encourage a safe haven for women where they can feel a sense of pride and accomplishment after relieving themselves. Collectively, our efforts will contribute to the United Nations’ Bowel Movement to get both men and women fearlessly using the loo.
Resources: The Economist
Day Four. My housemates continue to educate me on even more flushing solutions when faced with an H2O shortage. While on a 20 minute long distance call with her boyfriend all about his recent food poisoning diarrhea, this housemate suddenly received the urge to go via satellite. Apparently, it’s contagious amongst couples. However, she was at the Waves For Development office, which does not have a working toilet. This pressing issue had her knocking on all of the neighbor’s doors to which she was denied, forcing her to nearly crap herself.
But a girl should always be able to lean on her friends in time of need. She ran back down to the office with her tail between her legs and asked Dave, the founder of WAVES, for help. Without hesitation, he told her to use the nonworking bathroom and not to worry for they will “make it happen.” Dave ran to the store and bought a gallon of water to dump on top of her dump to force the poop down. And it worked! Apparently, I’ve learned that this is common practice in India. The trick is to use a lot of water and dump it aggressively into the toilet until it flushes.
In observance of Holy Week, I would like to point out a modern day blessing: the public restroom. For most parts of the USA, we not only have access to toilets in our home, but in our parks, schools, stores, cafes, restaurants, etc. It’s hard to imagine a world where we cannot relieve ourselves in the case of an emergency, but that world exists.
The United Nations has declared November 19th, World Toilet Day, in an effort to create awareness of the misfortunes that stem from toilet-free third world conditions. Not having a place to pee or poop is not really a concern of mine (not on a dire basis anyway), but it is for 40% of the world’s population. Much of Asia and Africa do not have access to toilets, proper sanitation and/or water treatment. This has resulted in cholera outbreaks due to filthy drinking water contaminated with fecal matter. Also, many girls in these countries are dropping out of school once they start menstruating because of the shame and the danger associated with finding a place to handle their business.
So let’s respect this divine gift we call the public restroom that we all take for granted. The public toilet was invented so that we, ladies, do not have to worry about pissing ourselves, bleeding all over ourselves, getting diseases, or even worse, getting raped while we’re trying to take a dump in the woods. Public restrooms are designed to free us from worry. So at the very least, we most certainly should not be worrying about whether or not the stalls are clean. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it until I no longer feel the need to sanitize the toilet seat before sitting down: Lady is as lady does.
Respect your bowels. Respect the public restroom.
Resources: United Nations, Toilet Hackers, Who Gives a Crap
Today was a “water day” and not because it’s raining outside, but because the water at the Doody Free Girl headquarters was shut off due to maintenance, and therefore, all colonic appointments had to be cancelled. So I got to stay home and ponder ways in which you can express yourself and start talking crap with your loved ones. Here are some segues into one of life’s most important conversations.
The best way to express yourself is right at the moment when nature calls. If it’s a boyfriend, it should be a gentle “I need to use the bathroom. Please don’t wait for me, I’ll be a while” or “I gotta go, if you know what I’m saying” or “I need to take care of business” or for the more brazen, “Excuse me, but I really have to drop a deuce.” This should go over well as long as you don’t adopt a trucker’s mouth. Keep it ladylike and never apologize. It’s okay if he initially says “eeew” or “groooossss.” Just giggle as you skip to the loo. Hopefully, he asks you how you’re feeling after you relieve yourself to which you respond, “Soooo much better. Thank you for waiting.” Then end the conversation with a huge smile and sigh of relief. This will make him feel like he’s contributed, while opening the door for further communication later on. You’ll be on the fast track to covering for each other as you bomb the bathroom of your favorite brunch spot.
Sharing bowel issues with females should be an easier task and involve much less anxiety. You can always win a girl over with one word: constipation. Girls love talking about constipation. I remember being so constipated after a flight to a women’s surf camp in Mexico that the only thing I could concentrate on in this paradise was getting the hard rocks out of my rear. I immediately broke the ice with another girl at this camp by discussing my utter frustration with travel constipation. She immediately took me to the local pharmacy to purchase an enema. I wasn’t ready to start sticking things up my bottom on vacation, but I was very much impressed with this chick’s knowledge of constipation remedies and overall acceptance of poop talk. And above all, she waited for me and encouraged me to take my time as I rocked back and forth on the toilet giving birth to a pile of rocks. She may live in London now, but this type of special bond can transcend the Atlantic.
So don’t be scared to talk about going #2. It unites and it feels damn good.
A special bond forms when talking crap with my clients. I stick tubes up their rears and diarrhea of the mouth ensues. I always joke that I have really gotten to know NYC through the rear, but it’s the truth. Colonics are not exclusively an activity of the rich and famous nor the crunchy new age-y spiritual cleansers either. Both of which, by the way, are equally as fun. All walks of life drop their pants for me: Wall Street suits, housewives, a Buddhist monk, cancer patients, a Native American Shaman, a gay porn star, a Sheriff, college students, a constipated grandmother, models, a vegan MMA fighter, etc etc. No one has a problem sharing some heavy secrets with me. Trust happens when people feel like they are being taken care of, especially while their bowels are being addressed.
So keep this in mind the next time you are vacationing with some new friends or a new-ish boyfriend. If you are truly looking to connect on a deeper emotional and spiritual level, the fastest way is through the butt. My next post will address ways to ease into this conversation of utmost importance because if you haven’t had this conversation already, you don’t know crap about each other.
I remember the first time I talked about poop with a girlfriend better than I remember the first time I had sex (unfortunately, I think girls invest more anxiety into the former rather than the latter). This grade school friend of mine was in the bathroom with me and made fun of me for looking at the toilet paper to make sure it was clear after wiping my rear. In retrospect, she’s the freaking weirdo that just trusts her “feel”. She claimed she would just wipe until it felt raw. Sometimes I am most certain that the paper I just wiped my rear with will come back clean only to be deceived by my “feel” of the circumstances, and thus relieved I didn’t pull my underwear back up. But don’t worry, that girl and I stopped being friends as I obviously can no longer trust her judgement.
Luckily, I have a brother. We’d talk about length, girth, clog worthiness and how much weight we think we’d lost after a “nice juicy dump.” I think it’s important to have a family member to talk to about this when growing up. It’s clearly a major part of physical, mental and social development.
A client yesterday told me she has a crazy awesome aunt in California whose plumbing went out one night, so she was forced to poop in a bucket. Her aunt called her to laugh about the situation in which she was forced to go outside to throw out her own poop only to get stuck talking to the neighbors, poop in hand. Keep in mind, she has no dog. But what she was really excited to tell her niece about was how surprised she was at the weight of her dump. It was REALLY heavy!! Cool, right?!! Now that’s an Auntie I can trust.
What better place to poop in opulence than at the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina???!! Bonus (a somewhat-accurate history lesson): the Biltmore Estate is the largest privately-owned home in the United States owned by the Vanderbilts, who made their gazillions via railroad and steamboat pioneering.
Out of the 43 bathrooms in the Biltmore McMansion, tourists are only allowed to utilize the bathroom stalls in the horse stable, which has been turned into a beautiful restaurant, cafe and souvenir shops. So you can imagine the wait.
But a real lady takes her time in these situations, acknowledging that suffering from the urge to take a dump for the rest of the day will not only ruin the experience for herself, but for everyone in her path. So as I sat on the bowl taking care of business and a few selfies to pass the time, I thought about the other girls impatiently waiting for me to finish up. I reached an epiphany as I took my sweet time, which further proves my hypothesis that taking your time on the toilet pays off in more than one way. The truth is that those waiting need to relieve themselves as quickly as possible to get back to the house tour or shopping or whatever and then they’ll hardly care about who’s still suffering in Stall #3 . Once they finish relieving themselves, they are history! So even if I needed a half hour on the toilet, I will probably never ever see these gals again, not even for those three seconds I’m pretending to wash my hands. The girls I actually will encounter have probably only been waiting a few minutes.
So chew on this the next time you’re sweating in the stall listening to those complaining in line. Sit back and relax. You’re probably the only one taking a dump, which means they will get in a stall sooner than later. Consider this an excellent time to catch up on your Instagram.
Until you’ve perfected the sport of taking a dump in the same amount of time it would take you to take a piss, I urge you to take your time on the throne. Stressing out about whether or not people are aware of what you’re trying to accomplish in the bathroom will give you hemorrhoids and in severe cases; broken eye blood vessels.
So unless you want it written all over your face, take your time. Wipe the toilet seat down with some toilet paper and cover it with even more toilet paper because no one enjoys a wet seat. Sit down and place the garbage can in front of you. Prop your feet up on the can to ensure maximum ease and flow from your perfectly engineered mini-squat position. Make sure you have your smartphone handy because you might as well be productive. Check your emails, catch up on social media, call your parents, etc. Remember that only good things come from sitting on the loo.