I May Be Chinese, But Chinese Food is Shit.

I don’t think I’m the only one with a neurotic Tiger mom. Ever since my mother learned how to use email, my inbox has been flooded with chain emails protecting me from gang initiation rapes; exploding hands and death resulting from the use of a charging cell phone (complete with graphic photograph of course); setting myself on fire while pumping gas; kidnapping; and identity theft resulting from the use of pretty much every electronic gadget I own. My new favorite from the China woman is a warning about the food imported from her homeland containing alarming amounts of fecal matter. Crappy imports include fish, honey, cold medicine and frozen vegetables. The email is copied and pasted below for those who’d rather not eat shit.


mom wearing my prom dress
I’ll listen to any 60-something year old who literally fits in my prom dress. Seriously, that’s my senior prom dress.
Subject: China foods: Should be Known to Everyone
I recently saw a Food inspector on TV…. He said he had lived overseas and he had seen the filthy conditions their foods are raised and processed in.
It is enough to make you throw up. Some foreign workers have to wear masks as they work in these places, because the food is so rotten and filthy, it makes them want to throw up. Many of their Fish on Fish Farms are fed Raw sewage daily. He said he has seen so much filth throughout their food growing and processing that he would “never” eat any of it. They raise this filth , put some food coloring and some flavorings on it, then they ship it to the USA for YOU to consume and feed to YOUR families. They have no Food & Safety Inspectors. They ship it to you to buy and poison your families and friends.
Imported food we eat and the junk we buy
Green Giant frozen vegetables are from China , and so are most of Europe ‘s Best.Arctic Gardens are Okay.  So is Birdseye.Never buy the grocery store garlic unless it is clearly marked from USA or Canada, the other stuff is grown in people poop (even worse than chicken poop).
China is the largest producer of garlic in the world. U.S. is next.Buy only local honey, much honey is shipped in huge containers from China and re-packed here.Cold-FX is grown and packed in China and is full of fecal bacteria. Doesn’t work anyway, big scam. If the country of origin is not clearly marked beware.  If produce, ask an employee.Watch out for packages which state “prepared for”, “packed by” or “imported by”. I don’t understand the lack of mandatory labeling, especially the produce. The country of origin should be clearly shown on the item in the store. I go to the local farmers’ markets in season and keep a wary eye open the rest of the year.Please read this very carefully, and read to the very bottom. It’s important for all of us.How is it possible to ship food from China cheaper than having it produced in the U.S. or Canada?FOR EXAMPLE THE “OUR FAMILY” BRAND OF MANDARIN ORANGES SAYS RIGHT ON THE CAN ‘FROM CHINA ‘. SO, FOR A FEW MORE CENTS, BUY THE LIBERTY BRAND.
Beware, Costco sells canned peaches and pears in a plastic jar that come from ChinaALL “HIGH LINER” AND MOST OTHER FROZEN FISH PRODUCTS COME FROM CHINA OR INDONESIA . THE PACKAGE MAY SAY “PACIFIC SALMON” ON THE FRONT, BUT LOOK FOR THE SMALL PRINT. MOST OF THESE PRODUCTS COME FROM FISH FARMS IN THE ORIENT WHERE THERE ARE NO REGULATIONS ON WHAT IS FED TO THESE FISH.Recently The Montreal Gazette had an article by the Canadian Government on how Chinese feed the fish: They suspend chicken wire crates over the fish ponds, and the fish feed on chicken s–t.
If you search the internet about what the Chinese feed their fish, you’ll be alarmed; e.g., growth hormones, expired anti-biotic from humans. Never buy any type of fish or shellfish that comes from these countries: Vietnam , China , PhilippinesCheck this out personally. I did. Steinfeld’s Pickles are made in India – just as bad!Another example is in canned mushrooms. No-Name brand came from Indonesia.Also check those little fruit cups. They used to be made in Canada in the Niagara region until about 2 years ago. They are now packaged in China!While the Chinese export inferior and even toxic products, dangerous toys, and goods to be sold in North American markets, the media wrings its hands!Yet, 70% of North Americans believe that the trading privileges afforded to the Chinese should be suspended!Well, duh! Why do you need the government to suspend trading privileges?SIMPLY DO IT YOURSELF, CANADA AND THE U.S.!Simply look on the bottom of every product you buy, and if it says ‘Made in China ‘ or ‘PRC’ (Peoples Republic of China, and that now includes Hong Kong), simply choose another product, or none at all. You will be amazed at how dependent you are on Chinese products, and you will be equally amazed at what you can do without.THINK ABOUT THIS:If 200 million North Americans refuse to buy just $20 each of Chinese goods, that’s a billion dollar trade imbalance resolved in our favor…fast!! The downside? Some Canadian/American businesses will feel a temporary pinch from having foreign stockpiles of inventory.Just one month of trading losses will hit the Chinese for 8% of their North American exports.
Then they will at least have to ask themselves if the benefits of their arrogance and lawlessness are worth it.

START NOW and don’t stop.

Send this to everybody you know. Let’s show them that we are intelligent, and NOBODY can take us for granted

24 Hours in Hollywood

In an effort to spread the Doody Free Girls Movement nationwide, I took the liberty of experiencing a jet-setting, 24 hour rendezvous in LA to celebrate the release of friend, Kimberly Snyder’s new book, The Beauty Detox Foods. And let’s be honest, I was hoping to make some celebrity connections. I am reporting back that I made only one connection and that involved Dita Von Teese virtually telling me to go F myself when I asked for a picture with her while she was eating.

I had a great time nonetheless and my money shot, ironically, involved no celebrities and was not even taken at the party, but rather with a gem I found on the streets of Venice Beach.


broken toilet in venice beach

Crapping Your Bed is the Coolest.

Good news, ladies! You are given free rein to poop yourself when in labor. You can even piss yourself if you feel like it. I highly recommend you take full advantage of this opportunity as it’s the only socially acceptable time to poop and pee all over your bed once you’ve made it past adolescense.

A pregnant client of mine in her third trimester just started taking birthing classes with her husband this week. I’ve been asking her ad nauseam practically since inception about the chance of pooping oneself during labor. Someone told her that when a woman’s water breaks, she has diarrhea as well to prepare/clear the passageways. While this may be true, that woman wasn’t revealing the whole truth. The truth is, as my client learned in her birthing class, that most women poop the bed. Doctors are trained to discreetly scoop up the poop and act as if it never happened. While the intention is clear, this practice is quite a disservice to women. The fear and embarrassment attached to crapping oneself in front of loved ones, established medical professionals and strangers is traumatic enough, let alone the act of squeezing a miniature homosapien out of the other hole in the process. Perhaps, labor would be a breeze if women were given permission to just let it all go – baby, poop, pee and all.


Girls are Dirty.

In an earlier post demanding that guys take better care of their toilets, I failed to mention how despicably filthy women can be when using public toilets. Ironically, men’s public bathrooms are notoriously cleaner than women’s.

I’m sick of walking into a public bathroom and slowly checking out the stalls through my periphery in fear of having my heart jump at the sight of either diarrhea splattered on the seat or period juice smeared all over the front and sides of the toilet seat. How does that happen anyway?  And what respectable woman does not a) glance back down at the toilet to make sure there are no streaks waiting to disgust the next guest and then b) flush the toilet?!!

“Ladies,” let’s be ladies. Let’s end these vomit-inducing trips to the public bathroom. I don’t know about you, but the bathroom is my sanctuary. I love relieving myself and then admiring myself in the mirror for roughly five minutes. I may even throw in a handwash if there’s some delicious smelling handsoap or an Xlerator hand dryer just because I like to see the skin on my hands flap around like sheets in the wind. So after pooping, peeing, and/or vomiting, please wipe yourself AND don’t forget the seat. Merci.

sheets flapping in the wind



Enemas are a Pregnant Lady’s BFF.

If a woman is eating for two, shouldn’t she be pooping for two?? I’ve never been pregnant, but everyone knows pregnant women don’t poop. I’ve been asking all my pregnant clients for some tips & tricks to share with the rest of the knocked up population. It seems like everyone has a different opinion with regards to supplements, foods etc, but one thing seems to work consistently for everyone: enemas! I would not advise a pregnant woman to get a colonic unless she’d been getting colonics regularly pre-preggers, so the next best thing to unclog those baby pipes is to administer an enema at home.

Here’s how:

1. Put the enema bag (Doody Free Girls only recommends the Cara enema bag) together as per directions, fill it up about 2/3 full with room temperature or warm filtered water and hang it from your towel rack in the bathroom.
2. Lube up the enema nozzle with some olive oil and stick it up your rectum while you are laying on the floor on your left side.
3. Unclip the tap so that water flows into you until you feel full, but not to the point where you want to implode. Remove the nozzle from your rectum.
4. Flip on to your back and rub your belly until you can’t hold it any longer and then sit on the toilet with your feet propped up on either a Squatty Potty or your garbage can so that your knees are elevated (this is the position you should always poop in).
5. Crap your brains out. Repeat as necessary until you feel relief.

You’re welcome. Both of you.

PROBLEM: There is Not Enough Paper.

SOLUTION: The Strips Technique.

1. Don’t call out for someone to bring you more toilet paper. You are at work, not at home.

2. Pray to all the gods whose names you remember (even if only vaguely) that you have a packet of tissues in your pocket. Unfortunately, in this kind of situation, it is rarely the case.

3. Take the toilet paper distributor apart

4. Pick up the empty toilet roll.

5. With your nails, cut off strips of carton, making them as thin as possible.

6. Use this as toilet paper.

Be careful not to make strips that are too thick or you may risk blocking the toilet.

Resources: How to Poo at Work by Mats & Enzo

A Fancy Toilet.

I sat on my first heated toilet seat complete with bidet and booty dryer this weekend at Mashiko in Seattle. Although this sushi joint impressed me from the gratuitous stash of SushiWhore magnets to their use of sustainable/reusable chopsticks made from surplus wheat supplies, their exclusively sustainable fish menu, and the mere existence of a luxury toilet seat in the bathroom, I’m sad to report that my first luxury toilet seat experience was an utter fail.

Maybe I’m being a little dramatic. The heated seat was very inviting and in fact, I did not want to get up, but the other functions were a) complicated and b) ergonomically incorrect.  Considering all the time I spent trying to figure out the buttons on the side panel of the toilet, I’m ashamed to say I never even pooped. All this work just to pee. There were a total of ten buttons with labels that read shower, bidet, heat, dryer etc. I was most excited to try the bidet function. However, the bidet function blindly beelines water into your crack. I found this moistening irritating, not cleansing. I spent a lot of time deciding whether to try the shower button for obvious reasons. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. Was I about to get rained on? No. I just received another shot of water from the front end in addition to the back end. Neither one reached my rectum nor my vagina.  I was sort of okay with this only because I was psyched to try the dryer function and figured if I ever purchased one of these toilet seats, I could adjust the water hoses. But the dryer was no Xlerator. It was one of those frustrating mild, stuffy, why-do-my-hands-feel-dirtier?, I’m-just-going-to-use-paper kind of dryers.  So I ended up using more toilet paper than usual to dry my drenched genitalia and actually washed my hands because I felt a little filthy.

luxury toilet seat with built in bidet and heated seat