Today was a “water day” and not because it’s raining outside, but because the water at the Doody Free Girl headquarters was shut off due to maintenance, and therefore, all colonic appointments had to be cancelled. So I got to stay home and ponder ways in which you can express yourself and start talking crap with your loved ones. Here are some segues into one of life’s most important conversations.
The best way to express yourself is right at the moment when nature calls. If it’s a boyfriend, it should be a gentle “I need to use the bathroom. Please don’t wait for me, I’ll be a while” or “I gotta go, if you know what I’m saying” or “I need to take care of business” or for the more brazen, “Excuse me, but I really have to drop a deuce.” This should go over well as long as you don’t adopt a trucker’s mouth. Keep it ladylike and never apologize. It’s okay if he initially says “eeew” or “groooossss.” Just giggle as you skip to the loo. Hopefully, he asks you how you’re feeling after you relieve yourself to which you respond, “Soooo much better. Thank you for waiting.” Then end the conversation with a huge smile and sigh of relief. This will make him feel like he’s contributed, while opening the door for further communication later on. You’ll be on the fast track to covering for each other as you bomb the bathroom of your favorite brunch spot.
Sharing bowel issues with females should be an easier task and involve much less anxiety. You can always win a girl over with one word: constipation. Girls love talking about constipation. I remember being so constipated after a flight to a women’s surf camp in Mexico that the only thing I could concentrate on in this paradise was getting the hard rocks out of my rear. I immediately broke the ice with another girl at this camp by discussing my utter frustration with travel constipation. She immediately took me to the local pharmacy to purchase an enema. I wasn’t ready to start sticking things up my bottom on vacation, but I was very much impressed with this chick’s knowledge of constipation remedies and overall acceptance of poop talk. And above all, she waited for me and encouraged me to take my time as I rocked back and forth on the toilet giving birth to a pile of rocks. She may live in London now, but this type of special bond can transcend the Atlantic.
So don’t be scared to talk about going #2. It unites and it feels damn good.