The Airplane Poo.

I’m at the airport squeezing in one last blog post before my flight to Peru, and hopefully soon squeezing out a nice juicy log before boarding time. As I sit here in the lavish business center I think I just snuck into, I can’t help but think about that one time I actually took a crap on a plane. It was two years ago and I was being reacquainted with those miserable menstrual cramps I hadn’t experienced since high school. The link between menstruation and defecation is made in a recent blog post. This connection between bowel and uterus is ever so evident to me when I get these crushing menstrual pains. I instantly feel like I’m going to both vomit and crap myself, but it’s usually just the latter.

As soon as the plane began to ascend, I started getting the sweats and felt so light headed like the plane was lifting my body, but leaving my blood supply on the ground. My veins felt like they were being drained and I was losing all color in my face, taking me from the Sahara to the Antarctic in a matter of seconds. The stewardess asked me if I was going to throw up and I didn’t really know what to say. She was literally annoying the crap out of me. I ran to the bathroom, quickly made my toilet TP cover and took a fiery lava dump in an almost waterless toilet. And to paint an even more disgusting image for all you germ phobes, I rested my head on the sink! It’s funny how little these things (i.e. germs, people witnessing you spend 45 minutes on the toilet, etc) matter when you’re just not feeling well and maybe they shouldn’t matter at all because I left the gnarly airplane bathroom feeling brand new.

 

Categories: Public Poo, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Cover Or Hover?

Once again, my mother is to blame for my paranoia. She has had almost complete control of my bathroom habits for the first half of my life thus far. It was with her that I first experienced the luxury of a public restroom, but not without fear of contracting a life-threatening virus. She showed me the proper way to cover a toilet seat by creating a comfy toilet paper pillow (2 layers of toilet paper, quickly achieved by folding over the toilet paper) covering every inch of exposed porcelain. My sheer laziness has forced me to evolve into a hoverer. But as my dad says, “Lazy people work twice as hard.” And to his credit, hovering sure has (albeit inadvertently) given me some strong legs.

But for those who just don’t care, you won’t really catch anything from sitting on a public toilet seat unless there’s a contaminated needle sitting on it. I will always remember my college roommate plopping her perfect little bare booty directly on a public toilet seat at the football stadium. I could not believe my eyes. This girl, who I lived with for three years, is the biggest clean freak, but apparently not as anal retentive as I thought. She has not contracted gonorrhea, AIDS, crabs, or herpes, or hepatitis to date. Your kitchen sink is probably filthier than her butt cheeks.

Resources: Lauren, WebMD, Straight Dope

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Exercise, Life Hacks, Public Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The 60 Percent.

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In observance of Holy Week, I would like to point out a modern day blessing: the public restroom. For most parts of the USA, we not only have access to toilets in our home, but in our parks, schools, stores, cafes, restaurants, etc. It’s hard to imagine a world where we cannot relieve ourselves in the case of an emergency, but that world exists.

The United Nations has declared November 19th, World Toilet Day, in an effort to create awareness of the misfortunes that stem from toilet-free third world conditions. Not having a place to pee or poop is not really a concern of mine (not on a dire basis anyway), but it is for 40% of the world’s population. Much of Asia and Africa do not have access to toilets, proper sanitation and/or water treatment. This has resulted in cholera outbreaks due to filthy drinking water contaminated with fecal matter. Also, many girls in these countries are dropping out of school once they start menstruating because of the shame and the danger associated with finding a place to handle their business.

So let’s respect this divine gift we call the public restroom that we all take for granted. The public toilet was invented so that we, ladies, do not have to worry about pissing ourselves, bleeding all over ourselves, getting diseases, or even worse, getting raped while we’re trying to take a dump in the woods. Public restrooms are designed to free us from worry. So at the very least, we most certainly should not be worrying about whether or not the stalls are clean. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it until I no longer feel the need to sanitize the toilet seat before sitting down: Lady is as lady does. 

Respect your bowels. Respect the public restroom.

Resources: United Nations, Toilet Hackers, Who Gives a Crap

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Girl Code, Public Poo, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Legs Sleeping on the Toilet?

Why do your legs fall asleep while you’re trying to drop a deuce, you ask? The basic answer is that the position you are sitting in is compressing certain nerves and veins that restrict blood flow to your legs, causing them to tingle. Not even my Squatty Potty can resolve this issue. While I’m an advocate of maximizing your time on the potty in order to achieve complete satisfaction, I don’t encourage you to wait until your legs fall asleep. This usually takes about ten minutes on the bowl and by then, you’re risking hemorrhoids or irritating any existing hemorrhoids.

If you do find your legs sleeping on the toilet regularly, make sure you are not just immersed in Facebook stalking and that you periodically stretch your legs out.

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Life Hacks Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Water Constipation.

Are you retaining water? I’m not talking about feeling bloated in the traditional sense. I’m talking swollen arms, fingers, legs, and feet. Don’t worry. You’re not fat. You’re just really dehydrated. When your body is starved for hydration, your cells will hang on to whatever fluid is available. This may cause even more problems as the digestive tract is not receiving the proper amount of water needed to efficiently release toxins, causing an even greater inflammatory response. Also, dehydration usually indicates an electrolyte imbalance, which means your body is not only starved for fluid, but specific nutrients (namely potassium and sodium), which can be easily restored by drinking celery juice!

Celery juice is a nutrient rich food, full of organic sodium, potassium, B vitamins, magnesium, and amino acids. I enjoy celery juice mixed with carrot juice, ginger and lemon from the local juice bar. Make sure to drink this concoction on an empty stomach and refrain from eating until you’ve pissed like a racehorse. The five minute urination that follows this drink not only feels fantastic, but causes you to deflate because the proper nutrition you are flooding into your bloodstream finally allows the body to rid itself of unnecessary fluid retention. Drink daily if you can or at least until you feel like yourself again.

 Cheers!

Resources: Health Ambition,  Natural News, Real Food Coach

Categories: Digestive Issues Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Window of Opportunity.

We only get a small window of opportunity in which to take advantage of nature’s call. I urge you to never ever ignore or even delay the calling. I am definitely guilty of ignoring the calling while I’m working, especially during those early morning colonic appointments right after my coffee, but I pride myself in my professionalism. So I try to stay focused on whatever my client is talking about instead of replaying the GIF in my head of booking it to the powder room to relieve myself, leaving my client stuck (literally). So I just power through the next few minutes because I recognize how fleeting the urge usually is. I fool myself into thinking I’m using the nature of nature’s call against itself and that the feeling will return later upon my command, but who am I kidding? Nature is a big tease.

Respect the call of doody. Respect your bowels.

Categories: Public Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Menstrual Poop.

In high school, I would get sent home on the regular for passing out from my debilitating menstrual cramps. Passing out would give me the same instant relief like throwing up or having diarrhea. I wonder if I can survive giving birth? Apparently, those cramps are caused by the body’s release of a chemical signal called prostaglandin, which signals the uterus to contract. Cramps result when the body produces a little bit too much prostaglandin, which can cause a contraction so strong, it cuts the blood supply to the uterus off. Ouch! I don’t experience those pass-out worthy contractions anymore, just slight cramping which I fully embrace because apparently, the excess prostaglandin has found its way to my anus, causing me to poop instead! So my body is now working with me, giving me the kind of relief I can appreciate.

Resources: Popular Science

Categories: Period Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Eco-friendly & Butt-friendly One-Ply.

I’ve already established that I’m a fan of one-ply toilet paper understandably so. But for those who refuse to demote themselves to the degrading one-ply, I encourage you to a) think about the toilet paper shortages all over the world  (I’ll be running that line on my future children even more than the “starving children in Africa” line) and b) consider trying Walgreen’s/Duane Reade’s eco-friendly line called Ology’s toilet paper, which is made from sugarcane husks and bamboo (not trees) and feels somewhere in the middle of a one-ply and two-ply roll. I prefer to buy the single rolls of 1,000 sheets because I’ve done the math and they definitely last a lot longer. Plus they look more inviting on a toilet paper roll holder. 

Ology toilet paper roll

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Never Hold It In!!

It took me much of my adolescence to overcome my fear of any unexpected self-inflicted bodily violence in the form of food rejecting barf or explosive diarrhea. As a child, every time I threw up, I would immediately cry. Perhaps it was the feeling of hot lava burning my esophagus followed by the aftertaste of a spoiled spaghetti sauce and stomach bile cocktail that I found so traumatizing. But who’s to say? I’m so happy bulimia could have never worked out for me! Diarrhea was the same story. It wouldn’t drive me to tears, but I would hold it in until I turned green. I was terrified of diarrhea because it would burn my a*hole as it exited, coloring the entire toilet with toxic excrement full of identifiable food particles, while exuding a foul odor that could penetrate bricks and mortar. No thank you.

But my mother’s constant reassurance that I would feel better after either throwing up or exploding on the toilet is what allowed me to finally heed my body’s warnings. I even admire diarrhea now for its hurricane speed and the instant relief in its aftermath. I don’t understand anymore why anyone would want to stop or delay this act of God by taking Pepto-Bismol or Imodium when a solution to one’s ills can be had with just an express trip to the bathroom! Just make sure to always carry a book of matches (AKA air fresheners) in your purse.

shit anywhere matches

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Public Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Express Yourself.

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Today was a “water day” and not because it’s raining outside, but because the water at the Doody Free Girl headquarters was shut off due to maintenance, and therefore, all colonic appointments had to be cancelled. So I got to stay home and ponder ways in which you can express yourself and start talking crap with your loved ones. Here are some segues into one of life’s most important conversations.

The best way to express yourself is right at the moment when nature calls. If it’s a boyfriend, it should be a gentle “I need to use the bathroom. Please don’t wait for me, I’ll be a while” or “I gotta go, if you know what I’m saying” or “I need to take care of business” or for the more brazen, “Excuse me, but I really have to drop a deuce.” This should go over well as long as you don’t adopt a trucker’s mouth. Keep it ladylike and never apologize. It’s okay if he initially says “eeew” or “groooossss.” Just giggle as you skip to the loo. Hopefully, he asks you how you’re feeling after you relieve yourself to which you respond, “Soooo much better. Thank you for waiting.” Then end the conversation with a huge smile and sigh of relief. This will make him feel like he’s contributed, while opening the door for further communication later on. You’ll be on the fast track to covering for each other as you bomb the bathroom of your favorite brunch spot.

Sharing bowel issues with females should be an easier task and involve much less anxiety. You can always win a girl over with one word: constipation. Girls love talking about constipation. I remember being so constipated after a flight to a women’s surf camp in Mexico that the only thing I could concentrate on in this paradise was getting the hard rocks out of my rear. I immediately broke the ice with another girl at this camp by discussing my utter frustration with travel constipation. She immediately took me to the local pharmacy to purchase an enema. I wasn’t ready to start sticking things up my bottom on vacation, but I was very much impressed with this chick’s knowledge of constipation remedies and overall acceptance of poop talk. And above all, she waited for me and encouraged me to take my time as I rocked back and forth on the toilet giving birth to a pile of rocks. She may live in London now, but this type of special bond can transcend the Atlantic.

So don’t be scared to talk about going #2. It unites and it feels damn good.

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Boy Advice, Girl Code, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,