Just Add Water.

My last blog post brings me to an important point. If you are taking a dump at your boyfriend’s for the first time, make sure there is enough water in the back tank simply by making sure that the black floaty balloon thing is in fact, floating. If not, figure out a way to transport water from the sink to the tank until it does float. Also, make sure the water is not running as in there is no faint flushing sound echoing from the toilet or any swirling water in the bowl. Otherwise, you may have to cope with leaving a floater for your boyfriend to discover, which may or may not bring you closer.

Be proactive. On the first day you are invited to your boyfriend’s home, you should be thinking about backup toilet options way before you envision yourselves getting married and living happily ever after. Map out all of the bathrooms in the home, or if you live in NYC, map out all of the adjacent department stores, easily accessible restaurant bathrooms, hotel lobbies, etc. There is always a legitimate excuse to momentarily leave someone’s home in NYC. “I don’t get good reception here; My friend is having a meltdown, I need to speak with her in private, etc.” But if you find yourself in your boyfriend’s multi-bathroom pad, throw the toilet paper under the sink and tell him there is no toilet paper while you quickly sneak into a different bathroom before he catches on.

Categories: Boy Advice, Life Hacks, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Moving Toilets and Whatnot.

I’ve made it safely to Lobitos, Peru, but not without any bathroom issues. Bathroom problems only leave room for solutions and blog material, so I welcome a good bathroom challenge. I hope to enlighten you.

Getting to Lobitos entails a 19 hour bus ride from Lima with no bathroom stops, subjecting passengers to the moving toilet on board. The toilet is in very tight quarters and the floor is definitely wet. Your best bet in this situation is to wait for any stops. We had only a few stops on this trip, of which we were only allowed to exit once to use a different bathroom. However, for the less fortunate who must succumb to using the moving toilet, be prepared. You’ll definitely want to carry a natural hand sanitizer made with a natural alcohol that you can find at your local health food store because you do not want to use the nasty water from the sink. Also, be prepared for a lack of toilet paper. Bring in any napkins you can get your hands on from a rest stop or bus station to build your TP toilet seat cushion because you will find yourself sitting on the moving toilet whether or not you want to. The napkins also come in handy as a sort of glove because you will find yourself holding onto the bathroom door handle for stability. Once you are finished with your business, inch yourself as close to the door as possible while holding the handle in case the bus throws you back down onto the now uncovered toilet, and pull your pants up with your loose hand, steering clear of the wet toilet seat. I survived the moving toilet without incident. I definitely do not recommend trying to hover over a moving toilet because it really just adds unnecessary anxiety. And don’t drink the coffee they may serve in the morning because passengers are only allowed to go #1.

Once I arrived in Lobitos, I almost immediately had to take a crap right after lunch. Here at Waves For Development (the organization where I’m volunteering), water conservation is second nature. I’ve been here once before, so I already know the deal with not running the shower water, taking short showers and flushing it down only if its brown. I was quickly punished for flushing the toilet before pooping. I just wanted to have a good first clean dump sans OPP (other people’s piss) splashing back up on my butt since I hadn’t gone the day before. I wasn’t going to make a habit of it. But of course the toilet would not flush. So I disguised my poop with two sheets of toilet paper as a courtesy to my four roommates without knowing that toilet paper cannot be flushed because it clogs the septic system. I only learned that right afterward during orientation. So I tried to stay calm knowing I would possibly have to fish the toilet paper out. I discreetly expressed my concerns to the orientation leader who told me I probably just needed to fill up the tank, which I could easily do with the sink water. Upon returning over an hour later, the toilet flushed with ease, so I didn’t have to worry about that, but it always helps to know what to do in case of a water shortage. If you ever come across a shortage of water, just open up the tank on the back of the toilet and fill it up with water you will probably have to purchase until you see that black balloon thing float. Voila.

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Life Hacks, Public Poo, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Not So Private.

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I arrived in Peru safely Friday night and stayed in the same hostel I enjoyed four years ago. Although I stayed in a private room with my own private bathroom across the hallway, I’ve arrived at the conclusion that I’m just too old for this crap. Having to exit the room to use the facilities forced me to get my whole evening routine over with before allowing myself to get comfortable. With all of the belligerent backpackers screaming through the hallways, I thought it best that no one catch me with my mouthguard on anyway. From now on, it’s private bathrooms IN the room…that is, if I can help it.

Categories: Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Airplane Poo.

I’m at the airport squeezing in one last blog post before my flight to Peru, and hopefully soon squeezing out a nice juicy log before boarding time. As I sit here in the lavish business center I think I just snuck into, I can’t help but think about that one time I actually took a crap on a plane. It was two years ago and I was being reacquainted with those miserable menstrual cramps I hadn’t experienced since high school. The link between menstruation and defecation is made in a recent blog post. This connection between bowel and uterus is ever so evident to me when I get these crushing menstrual pains. I instantly feel like I’m going to both vomit and crap myself, but it’s usually just the latter.

As soon as the plane began to ascend, I started getting the sweats and felt so light headed like the plane was lifting my body, but leaving my blood supply on the ground. My veins felt like they were being drained and I was losing all color in my face, taking me from the Sahara to the Antarctic in a matter of seconds. The stewardess asked me if I was going to throw up and I didn’t really know what to say. She was literally annoying the crap out of me. I ran to the bathroom, quickly made my toilet TP cover and took a fiery lava dump in an almost waterless toilet. And to paint an even more disgusting image for all you germ phobes, I rested my head on the sink! It’s funny how little these things (i.e. germs, people witnessing you spend 45 minutes on the toilet, etc) matter when you’re just not feeling well and maybe they shouldn’t matter at all because I left the gnarly airplane bathroom feeling brand new.

 

Categories: Public Poo, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Cover Or Hover?

Once again, my mother is to blame for my paranoia. She has had almost complete control of my bathroom habits for the first half of my life thus far. It was with her that I first experienced the luxury of a public restroom, but not without fear of contracting a life-threatening virus. She showed me the proper way to cover a toilet seat by creating a comfy toilet paper pillow (2 layers of toilet paper, quickly achieved by folding over the toilet paper) covering every inch of exposed porcelain. My sheer laziness has forced me to evolve into a hoverer. But as my dad says, “Lazy people work twice as hard.” And to his credit, hovering sure has (albeit inadvertently) given me some strong legs.

But for those who just don’t care, you won’t really catch anything from sitting on a public toilet seat unless there’s a contaminated needle sitting on it. I will always remember my college roommate plopping her perfect little bare booty directly on a public toilet seat at the football stadium. I could not believe my eyes. This girl, who I lived with for three years, is the biggest clean freak, but apparently not as anal retentive as I thought. She has not contracted gonorrhea, AIDS, crabs, or herpes, or hepatitis to date. Your kitchen sink is probably filthier than her butt cheeks.

Resources: Lauren, WebMD, Straight Dope

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Exercise, Life Hacks, Public Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The 60 Percent.

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In observance of Holy Week, I would like to point out a modern day blessing: the public restroom. For most parts of the USA, we not only have access to toilets in our home, but in our parks, schools, stores, cafes, restaurants, etc. It’s hard to imagine a world where we cannot relieve ourselves in the case of an emergency, but that world exists.

The United Nations has declared November 19th, World Toilet Day, in an effort to create awareness of the misfortunes that stem from toilet-free third world conditions. Not having a place to pee or poop is not really a concern of mine (not on a dire basis anyway), but it is for 40% of the world’s population. Much of Asia and Africa do not have access to toilets, proper sanitation and/or water treatment. This has resulted in cholera outbreaks due to filthy drinking water contaminated with fecal matter. Also, many girls in these countries are dropping out of school once they start menstruating because of the shame and the danger associated with finding a place to handle their business.

So let’s respect this divine gift we call the public restroom that we all take for granted. The public toilet was invented so that we, ladies, do not have to worry about pissing ourselves, bleeding all over ourselves, getting diseases, or even worse, getting raped while we’re trying to take a dump in the woods. Public restrooms are designed to free us from worry. So at the very least, we most certainly should not be worrying about whether or not the stalls are clean. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it until I no longer feel the need to sanitize the toilet seat before sitting down: Lady is as lady does. 

Respect your bowels. Respect the public restroom.

Resources: United Nations, Toilet Hackers, Who Gives a Crap

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Girl Code, Public Poo, Travel Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Legs Sleeping on the Toilet?

Why do your legs fall asleep while you’re trying to drop a deuce, you ask? The basic answer is that the position you are sitting in is compressing certain nerves and veins that restrict blood flow to your legs, causing them to tingle. Not even my Squatty Potty can resolve this issue. While I’m an advocate of maximizing your time on the potty in order to achieve complete satisfaction, I don’t encourage you to wait until your legs fall asleep. This usually takes about ten minutes on the bowl and by then, you’re risking hemorrhoids or irritating any existing hemorrhoids.

If you do find your legs sleeping on the toilet regularly, make sure you are not just immersed in Facebook stalking and that you periodically stretch your legs out.

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Life Hacks Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Water Constipation.

Are you retaining water? I’m not talking about feeling bloated in the traditional sense. I’m talking swollen arms, fingers, legs, and feet. Don’t worry. You’re not fat. You’re just really dehydrated. When your body is starved for hydration, your cells will hang on to whatever fluid is available. This may cause even more problems as the digestive tract is not receiving the proper amount of water needed to efficiently release toxins, causing an even greater inflammatory response. Also, dehydration usually indicates an electrolyte imbalance, which means your body is not only starved for fluid, but specific nutrients (namely potassium and sodium), which can be easily restored by drinking celery juice!

Celery juice is a nutrient rich food, full of organic sodium, potassium, B vitamins, magnesium, and amino acids. I enjoy celery juice mixed with carrot juice, ginger and lemon from the local juice bar. Make sure to drink this concoction on an empty stomach and refrain from eating until you’ve pissed like a racehorse. The five minute urination that follows this drink not only feels fantastic, but causes you to deflate because the proper nutrition you are flooding into your bloodstream finally allows the body to rid itself of unnecessary fluid retention. Drink daily if you can or at least until you feel like yourself again.

 Cheers!

Resources: Health Ambition,  Natural News, Real Food Coach

Categories: Digestive Issues Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Window of Opportunity.

We only get a small window of opportunity in which to take advantage of nature’s call. I urge you to never ever ignore or even delay the calling. I am definitely guilty of ignoring the calling while I’m working, especially during those early morning colonic appointments right after my coffee, but I pride myself in my professionalism. So I try to stay focused on whatever my client is talking about instead of replaying the GIF in my head of booking it to the powder room to relieve myself, leaving my client stuck (literally). So I just power through the next few minutes because I recognize how fleeting the urge usually is. I fool myself into thinking I’m using the nature of nature’s call against itself and that the feeling will return later upon my command, but who am I kidding? Nature is a big tease.

Respect the call of doody. Respect your bowels.

Categories: Public Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Menstrual Poop.

In high school, I would get sent home on the regular for passing out from my debilitating menstrual cramps. Passing out would give me the same instant relief like throwing up or having diarrhea. I wonder if I can survive giving birth? Apparently, those cramps are caused by the body’s release of a chemical signal called prostaglandin, which signals the uterus to contract. Cramps result when the body produces a little bit too much prostaglandin, which can cause a contraction so strong, it cuts the blood supply to the uterus off. Ouch! I don’t experience those pass-out worthy contractions anymore, just slight cramping which I fully embrace because apparently, the excess prostaglandin has found its way to my anus, causing me to poop instead! So my body is now working with me, giving me the kind of relief I can appreciate.

Resources: Popular Science

Categories: Period Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,