Just Add Water.

My last blog post brings me to an important point. If you are taking a dump at your boyfriend’s for the first time, make sure there is enough water in the back tank simply by making sure that the black floaty balloon thing is in fact, floating. If not, figure out a way to transportContinue reading “Just Add Water.”

Moving Toilets and Whatnot.

I’ve made it safely to Lobitos, Peru, but not without any bathroom issues. Bathroom problems only leave room for solutions and blog material, so I welcome a good bathroom challenge. I hope to enlighten you. Getting to Lobitos entails a 19 hour bus ride from Lima with no bathroom stops, subjecting passengers to the movingContinue reading “Moving Toilets and Whatnot.”

Cover Or Hover?

Once again, my mother is to blame for my paranoia. She has had almost complete control of my bathroom habits for the first half of my life thus far. It was with her that I first experienced the luxury of a public restroom, but not without fear of contracting a life-threatening virus. She showed me the properContinue reading “Cover Or Hover?”

Legs Sleeping on the Toilet?

Why do your legs fall asleep while you’re trying to drop a deuce, you ask? The basic answer is that the position you are sitting in is compressing certain nerves and veins that restrict blood flow to your legs, causing them to tingle. Not even my Squatty Potty can resolve this issue. While I’m anContinue reading “Legs Sleeping on the Toilet?”

Why You Really Need A Plunger In Your Bathroom.

Girls and boys, a proper bathroom should be outfitted with common emergency materials. The following advice is derived from actual events. 1. Keep a plunger directly next to your toilet, not in your laundry room, janitor’s closet etc. Why? Because your girlfriend just may take a massive dump and clog your toilet. Trust me, sheContinue reading “Why You Really Need A Plunger In Your Bathroom.”

Butt Wipes.

New York Magazine just released an online article on the negative effects of baby wipes. This epidemic has been traced back to the overuse of baby wipes by the general public, and I’m not talking babies. Apparently, adults are secretly obsessed with flushable baby wipes. However, we are not acknowledging that while it’s fun toContinue reading “Butt Wipes.”

PROBLEM: There is Not Enough Paper.

SOLUTION: The Strips Technique. 1. Don’t call out for someone to bring you more toilet paper. You are at work, not at home. 2. Pray to all the gods whose names you remember (even if only vaguely) that you have a packet of tissues in your pocket. Unfortunately, in this kind of situation, it isContinue reading “PROBLEM: There is Not Enough Paper.”

Doody Breath?

Did you know that your body cleanses itself during sleep, which is why you wake up with a light film on your tongue and nasty dog breath. That film is just a bunch of toxins and bacteria that can easily be eliminated by using the ancient Ayurvedic technique of tongue scraping. I use a copper tongueContinue reading “Doody Breath?”

Rude Awakenings.

I woke up around 5am because I was about to piss myself. I tried to put it off because I had to wake up in two hours, but couldn’t hold it any longer. So I dragged myself to the bathroom, pulled my pants down, and sat down only to feel freezing water kiss my bottom.Continue reading “Rude Awakenings.”