iPhone Status: Alive.
Today a client told me her phone survived the pedicure spa basin without having to keep it in a cup of rice afterward. Apparently, if you have a solid case on your phone, an iPhone can go through a lot of crap.
My last blog post brings me to an important point. If you are taking a dump at your boyfriend’s for the first time, make sure there is enough water in the back tank simply by making sure that the black floaty balloon thing is in fact, floating. If not, figure out a way to transport water from the sink to the tank until it does float. Also, make sure the water is not running as in there is no faint flushing sound echoing from the toilet or any swirling water in the bowl. Otherwise, you may have to cope with leaving a floater for your boyfriend to discover, which may or may not bring you closer.
Be proactive. On the first day you are invited to your boyfriend’s home, you should be thinking about backup toilet options way before you envision yourselves getting married and living happily ever after. Map out all of the bathrooms in the home, or if you live in NYC, map out all of the adjacent department stores, easily accessible restaurant bathrooms, hotel lobbies, etc. There is always a legitimate excuse to momentarily leave someone’s home in NYC. “I don’t get good reception here; My friend is having a meltdown, I need to speak with her in private, etc.” But if you find yourself in your boyfriend’s multi-bathroom pad, throw the toilet paper under the sink and tell him there is no toilet paper while you quickly sneak into a different bathroom before he catches on.
I’ve made it safely to Lobitos, Peru, but not without any bathroom issues. Bathroom problems only leave room for solutions and blog material, so I welcome a good bathroom challenge. I hope to enlighten you.
Getting to Lobitos entails a 19 hour bus ride from Lima with no bathroom stops, subjecting passengers to the moving toilet on board. The toilet is in very tight quarters and the floor is definitely wet. Your best bet in this situation is to wait for any stops. We had only a few stops on this trip, of which we were only allowed to exit once to use a different bathroom. However, for the less fortunate who must succumb to using the moving toilet, be prepared. You’ll definitely want to carry a natural hand sanitizer made with a natural alcohol that you can find at your local health food store because you do not want to use the nasty water from the sink. Also, be prepared for a lack of toilet paper. Bring in any napkins you can get your hands on from a rest stop or bus station to build your TP toilet seat cushion because you will find yourself sitting on the moving toilet whether or not you want to. The napkins also come in handy as a sort of glove because you will find yourself holding onto the bathroom door handle for stability. Once you are finished with your business, inch yourself as close to the door as possible while holding the handle in case the bus throws you back down onto the now uncovered toilet, and pull your pants up with your loose hand, steering clear of the wet toilet seat. I survived the moving toilet without incident. I definitely do not recommend trying to hover over a moving toilet because it really just adds unnecessary anxiety. And don’t drink the coffee they may serve in the morning because passengers are only allowed to go #1.
Once I arrived in Lobitos, I almost immediately had to take a crap right after lunch. Here at Waves For Development (the organization where I’m volunteering), water conservation is second nature. I’ve been here once before, so I already know the deal with not running the shower water, taking short showers and flushing it down only if its brown. I was quickly punished for flushing the toilet before pooping. I just wanted to have a good first clean dump sans OPP (other people’s piss) splashing back up on my butt since I hadn’t gone the day before. I wasn’t going to make a habit of it. But of course the toilet would not flush. So I disguised my poop with two sheets of toilet paper as a courtesy to my four roommates without knowing that toilet paper cannot be flushed because it clogs the septic system. I only learned that right afterward during orientation. So I tried to stay calm knowing I would possibly have to fish the toilet paper out. I discreetly expressed my concerns to the orientation leader who told me I probably just needed to fill up the tank, which I could easily do with the sink water. Upon returning over an hour later, the toilet flushed with ease, so I didn’t have to worry about that, but it always helps to know what to do in case of a water shortage. If you ever come across a shortage of water, just open up the tank on the back of the toilet and fill it up with water you will probably have to purchase until you see that black balloon thing float. Voila.
Once again, my mother is to blame for my paranoia. She has had almost complete control of my bathroom habits for the first half of my life thus far. It was with her that I first experienced the luxury of a public restroom, but not without fear of contracting a life-threatening virus. She showed me the proper way to cover a toilet seat by creating a comfy toilet paper pillow (2 layers of toilet paper, quickly achieved by folding over the toilet paper) covering every inch of exposed porcelain. My sheer laziness has forced me to evolve into a hoverer. But as my dad says, “Lazy people work twice as hard.” And to his credit, hovering sure has (albeit inadvertently) given me some strong legs.
But for those who just don’t care, you won’t really catch anything from sitting on a public toilet seat unless there’s a contaminated needle sitting on it. I will always remember my college roommate plopping her perfect little bare booty directly on a public toilet seat at the football stadium. I could not believe my eyes. This girl, who I lived with for three years, is the biggest clean freak, but apparently not as anal retentive as I thought. She has not contracted gonorrhea, AIDS, crabs, or herpes, or hepatitis to date. Your kitchen sink is probably filthier than her butt cheeks.
Resources: Lauren, WebMD, Straight Dope
Why do your legs fall asleep while you’re trying to drop a deuce, you ask? The basic answer is that the position you are sitting in is compressing certain nerves and veins that restrict blood flow to your legs, causing them to tingle. Not even my Squatty Potty can resolve this issue. While I’m an advocate of maximizing your time on the potty in order to achieve complete satisfaction, I don’t encourage you to wait until your legs fall asleep. This usually takes about ten minutes on the bowl and by then, you’re risking hemorrhoids or irritating any existing hemorrhoids.
If you do find your legs sleeping on the toilet regularly, make sure you are not just immersed in Facebook stalking and that you periodically stretch your legs out.
Girls and boys, a proper bathroom should be outfitted with common emergency materials. The following advice is derived from actual events.
1. Keep a plunger directly next to your toilet, not in your laundry room, janitor’s closet etc. Why? Because your girlfriend just may take a massive dump and clog your toilet. Trust me, she will never admit to taking a McDump in your toilet nor will she ask you for a plunger.
2. Always have paper towels or fancy hand napkins available in addition to hand towels. Why? Because when your girlfriend decides to attempt plunging her first toilet at your place, you better believe muddy water is going to splash all over the floor. I’m pretty sure you don’t appreciate soiled bathroom towels discreetly placed back on the towel rack.
3. Always keep multi-purpose cleaning spray under the bathroom sink. Why? Because any lady or gentleman, when provided paper towels and cleaning product, will clean up after themselves. This is not limited to #2 emergencies, but also includes manly pee stream splits where only one stream actually lands in the toilet.
New York Magazine just released an online article on the negative effects of baby wipes. This epidemic has been traced back to the overuse of baby wipes by the general public, and I’m not talking babies. Apparently, adults are secretly obsessed with flushable baby wipes. However, we are not acknowledging that while it’s fun to watch our toilets swallow these baby wipes, these wipes do not disintegrate. They may go down the pipes and instantly out of sight/out of mind, but our sewer plants are suffering and ultimately, our taxpaying wallets.
Now, the quick solution for those who are enviromentally friendly, yet anti- poop streaks is to keep a roll of paper towels in your bathroom and just wet them before you wipe your ass. The smell of baby wipes makes me want to fucking hurl anyway and this way, you maintain some self respect. Just make sure you throw that crap in the garbage. Another amazingly eco-friendly option are Swipes Lovin Wipes. These are flushable AND biodegradable.
Cheers!
SOLUTION: The Strips Technique.
1. Don’t call out for someone to bring you more toilet paper. You are at work, not at home.
2. Pray to all the gods whose names you remember (even if only vaguely) that you have a packet of tissues in your pocket. Unfortunately, in this kind of situation, it is rarely the case.
3. Take the toilet paper distributor apart
4. Pick up the empty toilet roll.
5. With your nails, cut off strips of carton, making them as thin as possible.
6. Use this as toilet paper.
Be careful not to make strips that are too thick or you may risk blocking the toilet.
Resources: How to Poo at Work by Mats & Enzo
Did you know that your body cleanses itself during sleep, which is why you wake up with a light film on your tongue and nasty dog breath. That film is just a bunch of toxins and bacteria that can easily be eliminated by using the ancient Ayurvedic technique of tongue scraping. I use a copper tongue scraper every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up. I even carry one in my purse – it’s better for your breath and your health than chewing gum!
Here is the proper way to scrape your tongue: 1) Hold both ends of the tongue scraper with both hands 2) Stick your tongue out 3) Insert tongue scraper arch into your mouth until you feel like you want to gag 4) Press down on your tongue and pull the tongue scraper forward, scraping all the mucus off of your tongue 5) Rinse and repeat until you feel Doody Free.
Resources: http://www.banyanbotanicals.com
I woke up around 5am because I was about to piss myself. I tried to put it off because I had to wake up in two hours, but couldn’t hold it any longer. So I dragged myself to the bathroom, pulled my pants down, and sat down only to feel freezing water kiss my bottom. I jumped up and looked down to find the toilet water seat level. Submerging a plunger to remedy the issue would only make the water overflow, so I did what any other respectable girl would do: I peed on top of the water and dealt with it later in the morning. By then, the water will hopefully sink. It did.
So this takes me to an important skill set everyone should have under their belt: toilet plunging. This experience forced me to learn how to plunge a toilet and it goes a little something like this: 1) grip plunger with both hands 2) place mouth of plunger around the hole at the bottom of the toilet 3) pump the plunger continually, creating a suctioning, without breaking the seal between the plunger and the porcelain until the toilet starts to swallow the water. Voila!
