Author: Doody Free Girl
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Because Sleep Farts Happen.
A client last week told me that a fart woke her up that morning. Better her than her boyfriend. Mastering the silent rip is an art. Ladies, we all fart in our sleep. Sleep farts are a necessary evil that keep us from feeling like a bloated whale all day. While your midnight farts sound…
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Why You Really Need A Plunger In Your Bathroom.
Girls and boys, a proper bathroom should be outfitted with common emergency materials. The following advice is derived from actual events. 1. Keep a plunger directly next to your toilet, not in your laundry room, janitor’s closet etc. Why? Because your girlfriend just may take a massive dump and clog your toilet. Trust me, she…
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The Beauty of A Multi-Stall Configuration.
What better place to poop in opulence than at the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina???!! Bonus (a somewhat-accurate history lesson): the Biltmore Estate is the largest privately-owned home in the United States owned by the Vanderbilts, who made their gazillions via railroad and steamboat pioneering. Out of the 43 bathrooms in the Biltmore McMansion, tourists…
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Take Your Time.
Until you’ve perfected the sport of taking a dump in the same amount of time it would take you to take a piss, I urge you to take your time on the throne. Stressing out about whether or not people are aware of what you’re trying to accomplish in the bathroom will give you hemorrhoids…
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Depressed?
Depressed? It’s actually NOT all in your head. As discussed in my previous post, there are neurotransmitters located in the walls of your intestinal tract and while they communicate with your brain, 90% of the communication is actually from bowel to brain, not the other way around. Ever notice how euphoric it feels to take…
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Stressed?
I must say my most constipated clients are my lawyers and finance people. Why? Because on top of being chained to a desk 12 hours a day with no natural body movement or natural sunlight and endless ordering from Seamless, they have to meet deadlines for people they seemingly despise. Did you know your nervous…
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Got Gas?
Yeah you do and so does your boyfriend. Unless you guys think it’s cute to look like you’re expecting, I assure you there are no benefits to holding in your gas. There is nothing more despicable than a poorly executed fart. I’m not into Dutch Ovens or any sort of loud, smelly varieties. I’m a…
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Butt Wipes.
New York Magazine just released an online article on the negative effects of baby wipes. This epidemic has been traced back to the overuse of baby wipes by the general public, and I’m not talking babies. Apparently, adults are secretly obsessed with flushable baby wipes. However, we are not acknowledging that while it’s fun to…
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One Ply or Two Ply?
Toilet paper gets more play than your vibrator, so naturally, the choice of one ply or two ply is a very intimate preference. To my surpise, many of my clients have never experienced the rawness of one ply. I’m not sure whether to attribute this overwhelming vote for two ply to Charmin’s cuddly teddy bear…