Crapping Your Bed is the Coolest.

Good news, ladies! You are given free rein to poop yourself when in labor. You can even piss yourself if you feel like it. I highly recommend you take full advantage of this opportunity as it’s the only socially acceptable time to poop and pee all over your bed once you’ve made it past adolescense.

A pregnant client of mine in her third trimester just started taking birthing classes with her husband this week. I’ve been asking her ad nauseam practically since inception about the chance of pooping oneself during labor. Someone told her that when a woman’s water breaks, she has diarrhea as well to prepare/clear the passageways. While this may be true, that woman wasn’t revealing the whole truth. The truth is, as my client learned in her birthing class, that most women poop the bed. Doctors are trained to discreetly scoop up the poop and act as if it never happened. While the intention is clear, this practice is quite a disservice to women. The fear and embarrassment attached to crapping oneself in front of loved ones, established medical professionals and strangers is traumatic enough, let alone the act of squeezing a miniature homosapien out of the other hole in the process. Perhaps, labor would be a breeze if women were given permission to just let it all go – baby, poop, pee and all.

 

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Girl Code, Pregnancy Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Girls are Dirty.

In an earlier post demanding that guys take better care of their toilets, I failed to mention how despicably filthy women can be when using public toilets. Ironically, men’s public bathrooms are notoriously cleaner than women’s.

I’m sick of walking into a public bathroom and slowly checking out the stalls through my periphery in fear of having my heart jump at the sight of either diarrhea splattered on the seat or period juice smeared all over the front and sides of the toilet seat. How does that happen anyway?  And what respectable woman does not a) glance back down at the toilet to make sure there are no streaks waiting to disgust the next guest and then b) flush the toilet?!!

“Ladies,” let’s be ladies. Let’s end these vomit-inducing trips to the public bathroom. I don’t know about you, but the bathroom is my sanctuary. I love relieving myself and then admiring myself in the mirror for roughly five minutes. I may even throw in a handwash if there’s some delicious smelling handsoap or an Xlerator hand dryer just because I like to see the skin on my hands flap around like sheets in the wind. So after pooping, peeing, and/or vomiting, please wipe yourself AND don’t forget the seat. Merci.

sheets flapping in the wind

 

 

Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Girl Code, Period Poo, Public Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Enemas are a Pregnant Lady’s BFF.

If a woman is eating for two, shouldn’t she be pooping for two?? I’ve never been pregnant, but everyone knows pregnant women don’t poop. I’ve been asking all my pregnant clients for some tips & tricks to share with the rest of the knocked up population. It seems like everyone has a different opinion with regards to supplements, foods etc, but one thing seems to work consistently for everyone: enemas! I would not advise a pregnant woman to get a colonic unless she’d been getting colonics regularly pre-preggers, so the next best thing to unclog those baby pipes is to administer an enema at home.

Here’s how:

1. Put the enema bag (Doody Free Girls only recommends the Cara enema bag) together as per directions, fill it up about 2/3 full with room temperature or warm filtered water and hang it from your towel rack in the bathroom.
2. Lube up the enema nozzle with some olive oil and stick it up your rectum while you are laying on the floor on your left side.
3. Unclip the tap so that water flows into you until you feel full, but not to the point where you want to implode. Remove the nozzle from your rectum.
4. Flip on to your back and rub your belly until you can’t hold it any longer and then sit on the toilet with your feet propped up on either a Squatty Potty or your garbage can so that your knees are elevated (this is the position you should always poop in).
5. Crap your brains out. Repeat as necessary until you feel relief.

You’re welcome. Both of you.

Categories: Girl Code, Pregnancy Poo Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Doody Free Girls Don’t Gossip.

A conversation with a client last night shed some more light on why girls are so afraid to go #2 in public. I’ve become so jaded from my work that I easily forget how traumatizing it is for girls to poop in public even around their female peers. My client, a grown woman, is still terrified to poop in the multi-stall women’s bathroom at work for fear of what her coworkers may say behind her back. She explained that if she walked into the bathroom and someone was in one of the stalls, even though she really needed to take a dump, she’d pull the classic move of either blowing her nose or washing her hands and immediately leave the bathroom. Women should not have to suffer like this!

So I want to address the two causes for embarrassment that women fear will make headline news around the office with regards to taking a shit: smell and noise. Smell can easily be remedied by carrying a small bottle of Poopourri in your purse. This all-natural toilet spray is sprayed into the bowl before pooping. The magic happens once you flush. A poof of scented freshness hits the air without the overwhelming allergic response common to most air fresheners. Just make sure to give an immediate courtesy flush as soon as your log hits the water. This helps minimize the smell. Repeat Poopourri directions until you are finished and make sure you take your time. By this point, everyone knows you’re dropping a deuce.  Noise is a little tricker.  You really never know what you’re gonna get when your booty hits the porcelain. My trick is to cough or blow my nose at the point of release. This way, not only is the noise covered, but your body won’t shy away from just letting it all go!

Girls, quit gossiping about who bombed the bathroom earlier. Give your neighbor the high five she deserves and let’s move on.

Poopourri.com
Categories: Bathroom Etiquette, Girl Code Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Talk About Poop!

Why has bowel failure struck mostly women today? It’s quite evident that females have unjustly suffered from a double poop standard. I personally remember being terrified to poop anywhere but home and my girlfriends would concur. Many of my female clients come in routinely for colonics because their bowels have completely shut down from years of mental training and/or laxative abuse. The gravity method colonics I employ assists in slowly strengthening the bowels back to life.

Chronic constipation has been held responsible for many skin disorders and other debilitating conditions such as chronic migraines and even certain cancers. This blog was created to start a healthy conversation about the importance of regularity.

Cheers!

Categories: Digestive Issues, Girl Code Tags: , , , , , , , ,