Fertility and Shit…

As with any weight loss journey, I believe the first step in one’s fertility journey should be cleaning out your system. A deep clean speeds everything up (ie metabolism, conception) because it removes the heavy burden of digesting old ass shit, freeing your body to receive nutrients, burn off excess and ultimately produce results. While few clients lose actual weight after a colonic, most clients feel a noticeable difference in how their clothes fit, while the physical reset and energetic high encourages proactive measures to create and sustain transformational lifestyle goals. By the same token, many clients are referred to me by their nutritionists as a means to reset/balance their hormones in order to conceive since society as a whole is struggling with estrogen dominance thanks to our overuse of plastic and constant exposure to environmental toxins.

That said, I want to share some tips and thoughts on how to prime your body for baby-making as well as delivery. Eating as much plant-based whole food as you’re willing and able to is optimal for clearing out the gunk in your trunk. This means recognizable food from the Earth: greens, veggies (this includes legumes), fruits, and whole grains (rice, quinoa, spelt, etc). Getting colonics regularly is always a good idea whether that is annually or monthly (it’s a personal preference, some people like to ramp up the frequency when trying to conceive). Getting colonics while pregnant is only advised after first trimester if you’d been getting them regularly beforehand. Many people opt for enemas instead. I personally couldn’t wait to get my monthly colonics second trimester to alleviate some of the pressure on my vag and create a little more room for my Buddha baby! And speaking of more room, I’m a firm believer in the right chiropractic adjustment during pregnancy. I started going back to my chiropractor at least twice a month once I hit second trimester to help open my hips. For even deeper hip opening, I continued practicing yoga regularly. Yoga not only helped keep me limber for as long as possible (a daily practice at first slowly became a weekly practice during third trimester), it eased my nausea during first trimester.

Stress is obviously a factor when it comes to preconception. Women are waiting later and later to have kids (myself included). I was always on the fence about having children. In fact, it was a hard NO for me up until last year (only kidding, more like two years ago). My college essay was actually titled “I Am Never Having Children” and I credit that essay for granting me admission to schools I had no business applying to. When I met my partner a few years ago, I knew I wanted to have his baby and so I did. We weren’t actively trying, but we also weren’t actively being careful. And while a laissez faire attitude is definitely helpful, it’s probably not a reality for many women pushing 40 (I had my daughter right before I turned 39 last year). For that reason, I believe massage, acupuncture, bioenergy work and long walks are not only critical for an enjoyable pregnancy, but for stress management preconception. Once pregnant, I got prenatal massages weekly and prenatal acupuncture on a monthly basis to ease all of the bodily stress from the crazy changes happening internally. I received bioenergy work each trimester with Joanne, who I wrote about in an earlier blog post. Bioenergy and biomagnetism is an extraordinary practice that can clear both you and your baby of some deep inner baggage. Although I could hardly walk by the middle of third trimester, I recommend pushing yourself to go on long walks in nature as often as possible. This kept me fit for labor while introducing my system and my baby to diverse bacteria, which boosts immunity. If I do this all over again, I would see my pelvic floor specialist as soon as walking becomes difficult (I didn’t go until six weeks postpartum and it was a game-changer even then!).

As far as supplements, most supplements are not recommended during pregnancy and breastfeeding. Find yourself a good prenatal vitamin you trust for the second you think about conceiving as well as throughout pregnancy. I took Ritual’s vegan prenatal and am currently taking their postnatal vitamin. I also take both Metagenics Ultraflora Immune Booster (targeting respiratory health, which is critical during allergy season in a Coronavirus pandemic) and Ultraflora Womens probiotics to ensure optimal vaginal health (remember baby’s immune system starts with your vaginal flora).

Last, but certainly not least…whether you are gunning for a hippie home birth or a natural birth in a hospital with or without epidural/induction, find your ass a doula. I share my entire labor story in a prior post featuring the role of my doula (I had no idea what a doula was before). And do your back and shoulders a favor by getting this Adjustable Nursing Pillow by my favorite postpartum brand, Frida Mom.

Categories: Colonics, Pregnancy Poo

The Braxton Shits

With my 11/29 due date approaching, I was convinced that I was in labor Saturday morning. I woke up around 4am with fleeting abdominal cramps, so I started timing my contractions, which were about 30 minutes apart. From all of my research and confirmation from my doula, I understand that there’s no need to rush to the hospital until it becomes difficult to hold a conversation. I was still able to complain very vocally to my partner until the break of dawn, so the only place I kept rushing to was the toilet.

Although my doula told me diarrhea leading up to labor is the body’s mechanism for clearing the body for delivery, I’m pretty sure my regular bouts of diarrhea Saturday morning were more due to my Friday discovery and consumption of frozen Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Kind bars from BJs Wholesale. These delicious 180 calorie bars probably net 20 calories by the time all of the chicory root fiber, tapioca syrup, peanuts, and almond milk goodness coursed through my cramped digestive tract at record speed. So if you’re going to eat crap, at least eat the kind that craps out quickly, right?!

maternity leave / pregnancy

Thanks to these Kind colonic bars, I am now officially scared shitless for what will transpire in the next week or two. I’ve read and been told (by an optimistic few) that labor feels like taking a huge shit, so it can’t be that bad, right? In any case, I’m still pregnant for those wondering and although maternity leave officially started last week, I am always available to answer all of your shitty questions. Feel free to text or email me over the next few weeks/months and I will respond as soon as possible. And in the meantime, remember to stock up on toilet paper (BJs Wholesale is already limiting TP sales!) and keep taking your Metagenics Immune Booster probiotics, which promote nasal, sinus and respiratory function. Namaste.

Slippery Poops.

Let’s talk about slippery elm root powder, people! I’m not a fan of supplements because I’m cheap and lazy, but if there’s one or two things I suggest you take on the regular, it’s magnesium and slippery elm root powder. I feel like I’ve discussed magnesium at length, so today’s post focuses on slippery elm!

According to my box of Celebration Herbals Slippery Elm Bark Powder (purchased at Whole Foods), it has the ability to absorb 10 times its weight in water, forming a gel. And according to one of my idols, the late Dr. John O.A. Pagano, it absorbs gas in the body while coating the intestinal tract, preventing seepage of toxins. Furthermore, its gelatinous texture aids in bowel evacuation. Dr. Pagano considered the ingestion of slippery elm root in various forms, a critical habit in healing the intestinal walls and ultimately, any skin disorder. His instructions are very specific: Drink slippery elm root tea every morning at least a half hour before breakfast for ten days and then every other day. Steep 1/2 teaspoon of the slippery elm root powder in a cup of warm water for 15 minutes. Then make sure to drink it in the next 15 minutes before it spoils. It doesn’t really taste like anything. Additionally, you can keep a pack of Thayer’s Slippery Elm lozenges in your bag and eat them throughout the day. They’re delicious! I love the maple flavor best.

Warning: Do not ingest if pregnant or expecting to become pregnant as it can cause miscarriage.

Healthy Candy!



Crapping Your Bed is the Coolest.

Good news, ladies! You are given free rein to poop yourself when in labor. You can even piss yourself if you feel like it. I highly recommend you take full advantage of this opportunity as it’s the only socially acceptable time to poop and pee all over your bed once you’ve made it past adolescense.

A pregnant client of mine in her third trimester just started taking birthing classes with her husband this week. I’ve been asking her ad nauseam practically since inception about the chance of pooping oneself during labor. Someone told her that when a woman’s water breaks, she has diarrhea as well to prepare/clear the passageways. While this may be true, that woman wasn’t revealing the whole truth. The truth is, as my client learned in her birthing class, that most women poop the bed. Doctors are trained to discreetly scoop up the poop and act as if it never happened. While the intention is clear, this practice is quite a disservice to women. The fear and embarrassment attached to crapping oneself in front of loved ones, established medical professionals and strangers is traumatic enough, let alone the act of squeezing a miniature homosapien out of the other hole in the process. Perhaps, labor would be a breeze if women were given permission to just let it all go – baby, poop, pee and all.


Enemas are a Pregnant Lady’s BFF.

If a woman is eating for two, shouldn’t she be pooping for two?? I’ve never been pregnant, but everyone knows pregnant women don’t poop. I’ve been asking all my pregnant clients for some tips & tricks to share with the rest of the knocked up population. It seems like everyone has a different opinion with regards to supplements, foods etc, but one thing seems to work consistently for everyone: enemas! I would not advise a pregnant woman to get a colonic unless she’d been getting colonics regularly pre-preggers, so the next best thing to unclog those baby pipes is to administer an enema at home.

Here’s how:

1. Put the enema bag (Doody Free Girls only recommends the Cara enema bag) together as per directions, fill it up about 2/3 full with room temperature or warm filtered water and hang it from your towel rack in the bathroom.
2. Lube up the enema nozzle with some olive oil and stick it up your rectum while you are laying on the floor on your left side.
3. Unclip the tap so that water flows into you until you feel full, but not to the point where you want to implode. Remove the nozzle from your rectum.
4. Flip on to your back and rub your belly until you can’t hold it any longer and then sit on the toilet with your feet propped up on either a Squatty Potty or your garbage can so that your knees are elevated (this is the position you should always poop in).
5. Crap your brains out. Repeat as necessary until you feel relief.

You’re welcome. Both of you.