I just arrived home from Costa RIca this weekend and I always feel just as excited to come home from a trip unscathed as I am the days leading up to the trip. And by unscathed, I mean no food poisoning. It is really unfortunate when food poisoning or some diarrhea and/or vomiting-inducing bacteria takes someone out for a few days from their expensive ass trip. The uncontrollable purge may only last 24 hours, but the recovery from the dehydration suffered and the nausea that remains will just about fuck up the rest of anyone’s stay. Last year on this trip, a bunch of women contracted something when we all decided it was a good idea to rope swing into a body of stagnant water during an ATV tour. I’ve watched way too many episodes of The Monsters Inside Me to know this is a bad idea, but when in Costa Rica….

So unless you’re going to take Pepto Bismol (I learned on this trip that the liquid form works better than the chewables from a friend who got the bug), prepare for food poisoning by packing your electrolytes. Some hippies like to pack activated charcoal pills (derived from coconut shells), which act as a binder and detoxifier, but use cautiously as it can be constipating and so powerful it is sometimes even used in hospitals for drug overdose. If you contract some gnarly bacteria or parasite, I personally wouldn’t take anything that would stop the purge. Rather, I’d focus on how I am going to replenish electrolytes and my appetite. If you’re somewhere sunny, take a nap in the sun to absorb that critical Vitamin D to boost immunity. Your body will even store it for the winter!

And last, but certainly not least, make sure to buy yourself a Doody Free Girl Butt Blaster Bidet for your trip so you don’t have to wipe your ass raw. You’re welcome.