On my Aunty Skates retreat in Costa Rica last week, the use of toilet paper was a hot topic of conversation. In Nosara, you are encouraged to throw all of your toilet paper no matter how shitty in the trash can because toilet paper can really fuck up their septic system when flushed. I am a proud sponsor of Aunty Skates retreat goodie bags for all the attendees because I pride myself in giving people what they need: proper anal hygiene. Each goodie bag comes complete with matchbooks to use as post-doody incense along with septic-safe butt wipes (in case you accidentally flush it). For those who were more concerned about having shitty TP in their trash cans, many of my portable electric Butt Blaster bidets were purchased in advance because for optimum hygiene, there is nothing cleaner than a powerwash followed by a single use wet butt wipe.

In fact, a new friend Colby, now a proud owner of a Butt Blaster bidet shed some light on how life-changing my portable electric bidet will be for her boating life in New Hampshire. I didn’t realize how much of an issue toilet paper posed on boats. Apparently, toilet paper on boats is so terrible, it virtually disintegrates in your hand while wiping because otherwise, 2-ply toilet paper will take down the entire boat due to its narrow plumbing. She passive aggressively supplies no toilet paper on her boat to ensure no one takes a shit because the massive amounts of toilet paper potentially used will take down the boat’s head. The general rule of thumb I learned: nothing should go down the toilet of a boat that hasn’t passed through the body. Namaste.