A Tight Squeeze

Yesterday I was wearing these “cool” new yoga leggings, but had to take them off in the middle of the day to work pant-less because they were giving me gas. Not so fucking cool.

I felt the need to write this post because almost instantaneously, my gas went away. Comfort (and especially bowel health) should not be compromised to squeeze into the latest trend, especially when it comes to workout clothing. Clothing is meant to accommodate and cover your body, not squeeze you so tight you have zero room to even pass gas.

Did you know the average person passes a balloon’s worth of gas each day? (Thank you @IFuckingLoveScience). Now imagine if you were unable to pass any gas and how uncomfortable you would generally feel. Gas can make you feel like you’re having a heart attack, give you heartburn, give you back pain and it can make you burp like a trucker – there’s nothing wrong with burping to alleviate the gas pressure, but if you’re burping because you’re majorly backed up, then your fumes probably smell like shit.

You fart a balloon's worth of gas a day

I know a lot of women who are avid Spanx consumers. I find it hard to believe that wearing Spanx on the regular won’t fuck you up in the long run. Dr. Holly of CBS News declares that shapewear is the new girdle, causing all sorts of issues from rib compression to nerve compression, abdominal distention and even blood clotting.  I have always found regular tights to give me gas, so I wouldn’t even dream of spending all day in Spanx. Anything that will hold your stomach in all day, while keeping you from farting is bound to contribute to some major internal gas pressure that will ultimately result in bowel distention. But at least no one will notice because Spanx will be containing your bloated ass…right?!

Rather than continue this torture, I believe the best clothing are stylish, bloat-friendly clothing. I’ve created Pinterest boards for both men and women on what I consider timeless, bloat-friendly fashion. You can now let it all hang out without feeling like a total slob. I will also be creating a board for workout clothing because your midsection should feel sore from your workout, not from your workout clothes.

Just Add Vinegar.

Growing up, my mother cleaned the entire house every single weekend. I would wake up to the sound of the annoying vacuum cleaner and the pungent smell of vinegar, Clorox bleach and/or Windex. What I would give now to wake up to someone magically cleaning up after me on autopilot week in, week out! Instead, this would start my weekend in a sour mood because I couldn’t hear the TV or Rage Against the Machine (AKA the Good Mother) and the house ironically smelled like shit to me.

I’ve always thought that vinegar smelled like complete ass. I would experience overwhelming disgust when my mother would gleefully diffuse the house with vinegar through the coffee machine. It only took me 35 years to appreciate the cleaning power of this amazingly edible detergent. I just finished cleaning the entire Doody Free Girl studio with distilled white vinegar and am overcome with the same cleaning joy that plagues my mother each week, even though my skin smells like it’s been fermenting in pickle brine. None of that matters when my floors look brighter than ever! White distilled vinegar has  a PH of 2.4, allowing it to easily dissolve all of your nasties. Before using it to clean your entire life, make sure to research thoroughly the surface you plan to use it on because apparently, it is so strong it can actually dissolve granite surfaces. It also makes a great fabric softener (use just 1/4 cup), but I’ve also heard that this can dissolve the hoses and rubber seals of the machine, so please use some discretion.

Using white distilled vinegar is a superior alternative to all of the chemical-laden products on the market and even those marketed as “natural.” Nothing is more natural and non-toxic for your house and your innards than distilled white vinegar. The chemicals found in your average household cleaner can actually affect your endocrine system when inhaled and the amount of anti-bacterial properties can have a devastating antibiotic effect on your home’s probiotics. Just like our bodies, the less good bacteria -or probiotics- that reside in our home, the less immune we are to disease and “superbugs.” 

While I love distilled white vinegar for cleaning, for regular ingestion, I highly recommend using raw Apple Cider Vinegar. For those who’ve been following me for a while, you know how much I love ACV. Apple cider vinegar is the ultimate home remedy for just about anything, the most important being acid reflux and gas. Many times, acid reflux is actually a result of an underproduction (not overproduction as commonly assumed) of stomach acid that is pushed upward due to the gas in the intestinal tract. Drinking a teaspoon of raw ACV diluted in a cup of water at least fifteen minutes before a meal aids tremendously in digestion. It is also a great tonic to have first thing in the morning to round out your body’s overnight cleansing fast.

 

 

Happy Holidays!!!

Hanukkah and Christmas fall on the same day/week this year. I will be offering Confession and Mikveh to anyone interested. Book your colonic appointments today!

 

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Crap, I Forgot My Probiotics!!

I knew I was going to forget my probiotics the second I started packing. I’m going on a cruise today for my cousin’s wedding and I just hope the boat does not come down with a case of dysentery.Taking probiotics while traveling is critical in combatting all of the new bugs you’ll encounter, so wish me luck!

Please note that I will be away through Monday, December 12th, so I won’t have access to the Interwebs. If you need to schedule an appointment, please make book online and I will answer any questions when I return! And don’t forget your probiotics when you travel. Purchase Metagenics probiotics here.

Come Celebrate Brown Friday!

This Friday is the Second Annual Brown Friday Celebration. In honor of my clients, I suppress the urge to indulge in retail therapy in order to offer a post-Thanksgiving cathartic experience to all. I’m not promoting binging and purging, but Thanksgiving is filled with lots of love and in many families, love is also known as force-feeding. So there’s no need to blame your family for feeling like shit the next day, just get it out with a good ‘ol anal cleansing. Book your colonic appointment, yo!

 

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Dry Brush The Bloat Away!

Our skin is full of shit and I encourage you to dry brush everyday because it takes less than five minutes to make your skin feel so fresh and so clean, you may not even need to shower! Showers are boring anyway. Dry brushing improves not just the quality of your skin (even known to reduce cellulite!), but the quality of your body’s drainage.

Ever since reading The Raw Food Detox Diet by Natalia Rose, my original inspiration for everything detox, I have dry brushed everyday before getting in the shower (I do shower sometimes, but prefer the shower bidet). Dry brushing stimulates the lymphatic system, which is responsible for removing cellular waste and debris from body tissues. Lymph nodes are spread throughout the body with heavy concentration around the neck, armpits and groin area and serve as sites for immunity cells, which assist our immune system in filtering out cancer cells and foreign substances. The lymphatic system needs a lot of encouragement to assist in these processes because it does not have its own heartbeat pumping these fluids out. Dry brushing is the easiest activity to incorporate into your daily life to help drain your lymph. Dry brushing has even been associated with alleviating bloat because it encourages the lymphatic system to drain excess water and toxins, improving digestion.

Lymphatic drainage is so powerful that it is employed at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. One of my favorite clients owns a popular massage spot, Knead, in Downtown Jersey City. Her knowledge of the body is impressive and she was trained/certified at Memorial Sloan Kettering in lymphatic drainage massage. I believe she is the only one with such credentials in the entire state of NJ! I always assumed that every kind of massage assists in lymph drainage, but I stand corrected. Deep tissue massage actually has the opposite effect on lymph. While it helps break up crystallized lactic acid in the muscles and soften scar tissue, it cuts off lymph drainage. Lymph drainage massage is more like gentle tickling. Sign me up!

So while it may seem like dry brushing ain’t doing shit, trust that it is actually assisting one of your immune system’s most important functions. Brush your entire body, with special concentration around your pits, neck, stomach and groin area. Make sure to brush in the direction of your heart, which is best for circulation. You can find my favorite Yerba Prima Tampico dry brush at any health food store.