It’s 10 o’clock, Do You Know if Your Children Pooped Today?

A conversation with a good friend last night revealed some seriously revolutionary Doody Free parenting advice. To this day (she’s in her thirties), her father confirms the following with her every time they speak: 1) Did you brush your teeth? 2) Did you eat some fruit? 3) Did you take a good dump today? Okay, maybe heContinue reading “It’s 10 o’clock, Do You Know if Your Children Pooped Today?”

Toilet Paper Origami.

Nothing says “WELCOME” better than some TP folded neatly into the perfect triangle.  So next time you’re having guests over for dinner or whatever, welcome them with some toilet paper origami. #1 rule in toilet paper origami is you must always place your toilet paper with the overside facing you. 1) Lift the tab soContinue reading “Toilet Paper Origami.”

Doody Breath?

Did you know that your body cleanses itself during sleep, which is why you wake up with a light film on your tongue and nasty dog breath. That film is just a bunch of toxins and bacteria that can easily be eliminated by using the ancient Ayurvedic technique of tongue scraping. I use a copper tongueContinue reading “Doody Breath?”

Masticate.

Chew your food! I’ve actually seen whole foods exit my clients’ rears during colonics. No wonder they’re bloated! The process of mastication is entirely underrated. Did you know that digestion of fats and carbohydrates begins in your mouth? This goes for liquids as well. Taste your beverage, never chug. Chewing your food well allows the enzymesContinue reading “Masticate.”

Doody Free Girls Don’t Gossip.

A conversation with a client last night shed some more light on why girls are so afraid to go #2 in public. I’ve become so jaded from my work that I easily forget how traumatizing it is for girls to poop in public even around their female peers. My client, a grown woman, is still terrified to poop in the multi-stall women’s bathroom at workContinue reading “Doody Free Girls Don’t Gossip.”

Rude Awakenings.

I woke up around 5am because I was about to piss myself. I tried to put it off because I had to wake up in two hours, but couldn’t hold it any longer. So I dragged myself to the bathroom, pulled my pants down, and sat down only to feel freezing water kiss my bottom.Continue reading “Rude Awakenings.”

Doody Free Hands.

I’m not one to wash my hands every time I use the bathroom. Reason being that 1) I do not have a penis and 2) I generally don’t pee on my hands. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a dirtbag either. So I find it important to discuss why my hands are probably cleaner than allContinue reading “Doody Free Hands.”

Hipster Jeans Giving You Gas?

  According to the Wall Street Journal’s article about “Tight Pants Syndrome,” if you are experiencing unexplainable stomach pain, heartburn, belching, yeast infections and/or numbness in your legs, you may want to consider retiring those way-too-tight jeans that are probably giving you a muffin top anyway. Ladies, you may also be paying the price forContinue reading “Hipster Jeans Giving You Gas?”

NYC Public Bathroom Guide

After a near-diarrhea experience on the subway today, I realized the importance of having your public bathrooms mapped out in your head. Here’s a list of my trusted, easily-accessible bathrooms in Manhattan.   Midtown: Uniqlo Midtown /Upper West: Whole Foods at Columbus circle (bottom floor of mall in the eating area) Midtown /Upper East: Whole Foods(57thContinue reading “NYC Public Bathroom Guide”