Crapping Your Bed is the Coolest.

Good news, ladies! You are given free rein to poop yourself when in labor. You can even piss yourself if you feel like it. I highly recommend you take full advantage of this opportunity as it’s the only socially acceptable time to poop and pee all over your bed once you’ve made it past adolescense. A pregnant client ofContinue reading “Crapping Your Bed is the Coolest.”

Girls are Dirty.

In an earlier post demanding that guys take better care of their toilets, I failed to mention how despicably filthy women can be when using public toilets. Ironically, men’s public bathrooms are notoriously cleaner than women’s. I’m sick of walking into a public bathroom and slowly checking out the stalls through my periphery in fear of having my heart jump atContinue reading “Girls are Dirty.”

Enemas are a Pregnant Lady’s BFF.

If a woman is eating for two, shouldn’t she be pooping for two?? I’ve never been pregnant, but everyone knows pregnant women don’t poop. I’ve been asking all my pregnant clients for some tips & tricks to share with the rest of the knocked up population. It seems like everyone has a different opinion with regards toContinue reading “Enemas are a Pregnant Lady’s BFF.”

PROBLEM: There is Not Enough Paper.

SOLUTION: The Strips Technique. 1. Don’t call out for someone to bring you more toilet paper. You are at work, not at home. 2. Pray to all the gods whose names you remember (even if only vaguely) that you have a packet of tissues in your pocket. Unfortunately, in this kind of situation, it isContinue reading “PROBLEM: There is Not Enough Paper.”

A Fancy Toilet.

I sat on my first heated toilet seat complete with bidet and booty dryer this weekend at Mashiko in Seattle. Although this sushi joint impressed me from the gratuitous stash of SushiWhore magnets to their use of sustainable/reusable chopsticks made from surplus wheat supplies, their exclusively sustainable fish menu, and the mere existence of a luxury toilet seat in the bathroom, I’mContinue reading “A Fancy Toilet.”

Doody Free Toilet.

I’m not one to flush the toilet every time I pee for the sake of conserving water, but trust me, there are never any logs floating around in my toilet. I’m not that disgusting. So this takes me to a very important topic directed at girls and guys alike, but mostly guys. Clean your toilet.Continue reading “Doody Free Toilet.”