What’s so Funny About a Bidet??

Bidets rule. I never really quite understood why people chuckle when confronted with a bidet. I grew up with a bidet in my home, so I never thought they were weird. But now I can appreciate why they are so funny after doing a bit of research into their history and principal uses.

The bidet was invented by the French in the late 17th century and the word “bidet” is the French word for pony. Now that’s hilarious! One of the bidet’s first uses was to clean one’s genitalia before and after sex. Their most common use in modernage is to wash one’s anus after taking a dump. Bidets are actually pretty commonplace in most countries except for the US. In fact, countries like India and Japan are getting creative and merging the toilet and the bidet into one. Some of these devices even have seat warmers, dryers, and carbon filters to reduce odor.

Resources: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidet

Beautiful.

It’s 10 o’clock, Do You Know if Your Children Pooped Today?

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A conversation with a good friend last night revealed some seriously revolutionary Doody Free parenting advice. To this day (she’s in her thirties), her father confirms the following with her every time they speak: 1) Did you brush your teeth? 2) Did you eat some fruit? 3) Did you take a good dump today?

Okay, maybe he doesn’t still ask her if she brushes her teeth everyday, but the other two still stand. Needless to say, she has no qualms about taking a dump.

Toilet Paper Origami.

Nothing says “WELCOME” better than some TP folded neatly into the perfect triangle.  So next time you’re having guests over for dinner or whatever, welcome them with some toilet paper origami. #1 rule in toilet paper origami is you must always place your toilet paper with the overside facing you. 1) Lift the tab so that the underside is facing you and fold the upper righthand corner down into the shape of a triangle 2) Fold Point A to Point B 3) gently place tab back down on to the toilet paper roll 4) voila!

Resources: www.ehow.com, www.origami-resource-center.com

Doody Free Girls Don’t Gossip.

A conversation with a client last night shed some more light on why girls are so afraid to go #2 in public. I’ve become so jaded from my work that I easily forget how traumatizing it is for girls to poop in public even around their female peers. My client, a grown woman, is still terrified to poop in the multi-stall women’s bathroom at work for fear of what her coworkers may say behind her back. She explained that if she walked into the bathroom and someone was in one of the stalls, even though she really needed to take a dump, she’d pull the classic move of either blowing her nose or washing her hands and immediately leave the bathroom. Women should not have to suffer like this!

So I want to address the two causes for embarrassment that women fear will make headline news around the office with regards to taking a shit: smell and noise. Smell can easily be remedied by carrying a small bottle of Poopourri in your purse. This all-natural toilet spray is sprayed into the bowl before pooping. The magic happens once you flush. A poof of scented freshness hits the air without the overwhelming allergic response common to most air fresheners. Just make sure to give an immediate courtesy flush as soon as your log hits the water. This helps minimize the smell. Repeat Poopourri directions until you are finished and make sure you take your time. By this point, everyone knows you’re dropping a deuce.  Noise is a little tricker.  You really never know what you’re gonna get when your booty hits the porcelain. My trick is to cough or blow my nose at the point of release. This way, not only is the noise covered, but your body won’t shy away from just letting it all go!

Girls, quit gossiping about who bombed the bathroom earlier. Give your neighbor the high five she deserves and let’s move on.

Poopourri.com

Doody Free Hands.

I’m not one to wash my hands every time I use the bathroom. Reason being that 1) I do not have a penis and 2) I generally don’t pee on my hands. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a dirtbag either. So I find it important to discuss why my hands are probably cleaner than all of the antibacterial obsessed clean freaks I encounter especially on airplanes. The 99.9% germ claim found on every antibacterial product on the market does not refer solely to harmful bacteria if at all.  In fact, according to an article posted  on About.com, these antibacterial products may actually be creating more bacteria on your hands. Superbugs, perhaps? Also, children’s immune system development are also being hampered because the exposure to the proper amount of germs conducive to proper growth is being compromised.

In conclusion, I recommend turning yourself on to products that use organic alcohol, ethanol and essential oils.

Why Am I So Obsessed With Poop?

Probably because it feels fantastic! My goal is to get my clients to take a substantial dump daily. It’s shocking how many women think it’s normal to only poop 2-3 times a week. If that were me, I’d be a raging biatch. I credit my upbringing for my fascination with poop. My father has always thought it acceptable and funny to set off fart bombs at home. His farts are so loud, I really don’t understand how he avoids crapping his pants with each explosion. My brother actually does have some pretty insanely hysterical stories of legitimately crapping his pants (he’d never read this, so it’s okay).  My brother brags every time he takes a huge dump like he expects some sort of gold medal. Although, I think we all secretly wish we could take a picture of some of our monstrous logs and send it off for some Hall of Fame acknowledgement.

So I guess this all explains why I laugh uncontrollably when the subject of  fecal matter is introduced into any conversation. I wish all girls would regard this subject matter as light & fun and feel comfortable enough to speak freely about their issues and ultimately, poop with pride.

Hope you’re proud, Pop!