A Brilliant Design (Japanese, of course).
Japan knows what’s up!!!
I have finally arrived at my hotel in Nagano, Japan after what has amounted to nearly 30 hours of travel time from NYC. This trip has been planned for about six months now and is coincidentally serving as a businessMOON as I will be opening Doody Free Girl right when I get back on March 16th. (So book your gravity colonic appointment online now!)
What started out as a snowboarding trip to Japan has quickly become an investigative research project into all things Asian, namely snacks and toilets. It all started on the airplanes. We first flew 16 hours from JFK to Hong Kong followed by a two hour layover in the Hong Kong airport lounge, a three hour flight to Tokyo and finally, a five hour bus ride to Nagano. While I always recommend that clients not eat on the plane to avoid gas and bloat, I cannot resist airplane food no matter how shitty it is. I will eat whatever is served to me especially if it is foreign and tasty and I will deal with the consequences. So one dinner, fifty snacks and three brunches later, I am feeling like a bloated whale on all counts. Even my legs are bloated despite the compression socks I wore. The only advice I have from this experience is to fart on the plane and to fart often. Everyone is sleeping anyway. Go to the bathroom and pee often because you’ll be surprised at how much gas pressure is relieved once you pee.
This brings me to the Japanese and their profound respect for the wash room. My first experience was at the rest stop on our last leg of travel in Japan. While purchasing some mystery Japanese snacks, it was unbeknownst to me that I was about to have the most luxurious bathroom experience ever, never mind at a rest stop. I walked in to the enormous restroom and there was a digital switchboard informing you which stalls were available. Each stall has generous room and a heated toilet seat complete with bidet attachment. I did not have enough time to play around with the bidet, nor did I want to because my Seattle experience left a scar, but sitting on a warm toilet seat at a cold rest stop is priceless!
In our hotel room, the entire bathroom is small and efficient, resembling that of a room on a cruise ship. The faucet for the sink doubles as the faucet for the shower. And of course, the toilet has a bidet attachment! This one is slightly different than anything I’ve ever experienced because the bowl fills with water the second you sit on the toilet seat. Although I cannot seem to find much logic in that even with regards to water efficiency, I’m sure there is sound reason behind it. The Japanese seem to be winning at life. I mean, have you seen how they fold their socks??
An Inconvenient Poop.
Last night, I dragged a friend to a one-man show about the social history of defecation and its effects on the planet and ultimately, our bodies. I know, she’s a really good friend. While I’m not a fan of corny Improv-ish humor, the show was short and sweet and quite informative.
The star of the show, Shawn Shafner, touched on the evolution of social pooping etiquette. Archaeological discoveries have caused speculation that certain primitive mountain societies shat where they ate, revealing that there was no shame in their game. The shamelessness slowly evolved into taboo social norms (thanks to the likes of Martin Luther and Queen Victoria), where one was expected to hold their shit in and just sweat it out or something.
Shafner encourages his audience to embrace its poop as not only an extension of our bodies, but as a critical seed in the circle of life (cue Lion King music). He concludes by advocating the advent of the compost toilet as a means of preventing disease and toxic chemicals from polluting our water supply. The proof of this pollution apparently lies in hermaphrodite frogs that have been overly estrogenized and dead shrimp that have overdosed on Viagra.
However, I’m not sure I’ll be shitting in a bucket anytime soon. I personally believe the issue lies more in our over-consumption of chemicals because using a compost toilet implies that residual estrogen and Viagra will be composted back into my life in some shape or form other than the water supply. I’m still not convinced of this as a solution except for countries where there is simply no water supply.
So here’s some food for thought: how about we just stop eating shit?!!
Day 5: Liver and Gallbladder Miracle Cleanse
Girls can be brutal. The other week on my way back from a very heavy meat-eating ski weekend, I had to drop an overdue stank load at a Whole Foods bathroom on my way home. I had way too much winter clothes on to fuss through my bag for my Poopourri to mask the gnarly stench I was imposing on the helpless victims neighboring my stall. Some girl entered the stall next to me and passive aggressively addresses me out loud, “Smells like shit in here!” I wanted to retaliate so bad with “Yes, because people really do come in here to pee and poop.”
Then today, I was in frigging church and a girl entering the bathroom on my way out says to me “smells like shit in here!” That’s just breaking all sorts of Sunday Cardinal Rules in my book. Even though it wasn’t me in this case, I didn’t feel the need to defend myself, nor should anyone ever have to explain themselves for dropping a deuce in a toilet as long as they flush and don’t leave a mess. What ever happened to Girl Code???
But I digress. Today is Day Five of my Liver Cleanse and I am so excited that I start the fun part tomorrow, that the apple cider did not phase me one bit today! I went to the market today to prepare for the big day tomorrow. I need to drink 32 ounces of apple cider in the morning tomorrow and then have a very plain lunch (Mortiz recommends white rice with cooked vegetables seasoned with only sea or rock salt) by 1:30pm. Then I’ll be fasting for about 20 hours while I drink Epsom salt water in intervals beginning at 6pm.
#WorldToiletDay
Yup, it’s a thing. Last year, celebrities like Matt Damon got involved with the UN to spread awareness on the global issue of open defecation on November 19th, which was declared World Toilet Day in 2001 by the World Toilet Organization. Open defecation is common in countries like India, where lack of toilets pose a major problem. Without a private place to take care of business, the general population is forced to either go in the woods, on the sidewalk, on the beach, or basically anywhere in the natural open. This leaves many susceptible to disease resulting from a contaminated water supply and even atrocities like rape and murder. Women are the most vulnerable when left to handle their poop and menstruation business out in the open. World Toilet Day serves as a means to spread global awareness on this shitty issue.
So there have been a crapload of toilets built around the world in the last few years as a result of this global campaign to build toilets. For example, Who Gives A Crap is donating 50% of their tree-free toilet paper proceeds to help build toilets for those in need (they’re toilet paper is the shit!). The next step is getting the targeted populations to use them! Many cultures are averse to crapping where they eat. The Hindu population in India, for instance, prefer to poop far away from the house because according to the “Laws of Manu,” this avoids ritual impurity. Many cultures also view bathrooms as dark, scary places.
It’s time to take pride in our public and private bathrooms. Ladies, let’s be ladies. Let’s keep our public bathrooms clean and encourage a safe haven for women where they can feel a sense of pride and accomplishment after relieving themselves. Collectively, our efforts will contribute to the United Nations’ Bowel Movement to get both men and women fearlessly using the loo.
Friends Don’t Let Friends Crap Their Pants.
Day Four. My housemates continue to educate me on even more flushing solutions when faced with an H2O shortage. While on a 20 minute long distance call with her boyfriend all about his recent food poisoning diarrhea, this housemate suddenly received the urge to go via satellite. Apparently, it’s contagious amongst couples. However, she was at the Waves For Development office, which does not have a working toilet. This pressing issue had her knocking on all of the neighbor’s doors to which she was denied, forcing her to nearly crap herself.
But a girl should always be able to lean on her friends in time of need. She ran back down to the office with her tail between her legs and asked Dave, the founder of WAVES, for help. Without hesitation, he told her to use the nonworking bathroom and not to worry for they will “make it happen.” Dave ran to the store and bought a gallon of water to dump on top of her dump to force the poop down. And it worked! Apparently, I’ve learned that this is common practice in India. The trick is to use a lot of water and dump it aggressively into the toilet until it flushes.
Moving Toilets and Whatnot.
I’ve made it safely to Lobitos, Peru, but not without any bathroom issues. Bathroom problems only leave room for solutions and blog material, so I welcome a good bathroom challenge. I hope to enlighten you.
Getting to Lobitos entails a 19 hour bus ride from Lima with no bathroom stops, subjecting passengers to the moving toilet on board. The toilet is in very tight quarters and the floor is definitely wet. Your best bet in this situation is to wait for any stops. We had only a few stops on this trip, of which we were only allowed to exit once to use a different bathroom. However, for the less fortunate who must succumb to using the moving toilet, be prepared. You’ll definitely want to carry a natural hand sanitizer made with a natural alcohol that you can find at your local health food store because you do not want to use the nasty water from the sink. Also, be prepared for a lack of toilet paper. Bring in any napkins you can get your hands on from a rest stop or bus station to build your TP toilet seat cushion because you will find yourself sitting on the moving toilet whether or not you want to. The napkins also come in handy as a sort of glove because you will find yourself holding onto the bathroom door handle for stability. Once you are finished with your business, inch yourself as close to the door as possible while holding the handle in case the bus throws you back down onto the now uncovered toilet, and pull your pants up with your loose hand, steering clear of the wet toilet seat. I survived the moving toilet without incident. I definitely do not recommend trying to hover over a moving toilet because it really just adds unnecessary anxiety. And don’t drink the coffee they may serve in the morning because passengers are only allowed to go #1.
Once I arrived in Lobitos, I almost immediately had to take a crap right after lunch. Here at Waves For Development (the organization where I’m volunteering), water conservation is second nature. I’ve been here once before, so I already know the deal with not running the shower water, taking short showers and flushing it down only if its brown. I was quickly punished for flushing the toilet before pooping. I just wanted to have a good first clean dump sans OPP (other people’s piss) splashing back up on my butt since I hadn’t gone the day before. I wasn’t going to make a habit of it. But of course the toilet would not flush. So I disguised my poop with two sheets of toilet paper as a courtesy to my four roommates without knowing that toilet paper cannot be flushed because it clogs the septic system. I only learned that right afterward during orientation. So I tried to stay calm knowing I would possibly have to fish the toilet paper out. I discreetly expressed my concerns to the orientation leader who told me I probably just needed to fill up the tank, which I could easily do with the sink water. Upon returning over an hour later, the toilet flushed with ease, so I didn’t have to worry about that, but it always helps to know what to do in case of a water shortage. If you ever come across a shortage of water, just open up the tank on the back of the toilet and fill it up with water you will probably have to purchase until you see that black balloon thing float. Voila.
Cover Or Hover?
Once again, my mother is to blame for my paranoia. She has had almost complete control of my bathroom habits for the first half of my life thus far. It was with her that I first experienced the luxury of a public restroom, but not without fear of contracting a life-threatening virus. She showed me the proper way to cover a toilet seat by creating a comfy toilet paper pillow (2 layers of toilet paper, quickly achieved by folding over the toilet paper) covering every inch of exposed porcelain. My sheer laziness has forced me to evolve into a hoverer. But as my dad says, “Lazy people work twice as hard.” And to his credit, hovering sure has (albeit inadvertently) given me some strong legs.
But for those who just don’t care, you won’t really catch anything from sitting on a public toilet seat unless there’s a contaminated needle sitting on it. I will always remember my college roommate plopping her perfect little bare booty directly on a public toilet seat at the football stadium. I could not believe my eyes. This girl, who I lived with for three years, is the biggest clean freak, but apparently not as anal retentive as I thought. She has not contracted gonorrhea, AIDS, crabs, or herpes, or hepatitis to date. Your kitchen sink is probably filthier than her butt cheeks.
Resources: Lauren, WebMD, Straight Dope
The 60 Percent.
In observance of Holy Week, I would like to point out a modern day blessing: the public restroom. For most parts of the USA, we not only have access to toilets in our home, but in our parks, schools, stores, cafes, restaurants, etc. It’s hard to imagine a world where we cannot relieve ourselves in the case of an emergency, but that world exists.
The United Nations has declared November 19th, World Toilet Day, in an effort to create awareness of the misfortunes that stem from toilet-free third world conditions. Not having a place to pee or poop is not really a concern of mine (not on a dire basis anyway), but it is for 40% of the world’s population. Much of Asia and Africa do not have access to toilets, proper sanitation and/or water treatment. This has resulted in cholera outbreaks due to filthy drinking water contaminated with fecal matter. Also, many girls in these countries are dropping out of school once they start menstruating because of the shame and the danger associated with finding a place to handle their business.
So let’s respect this divine gift we call the public restroom that we all take for granted. The public toilet was invented so that we, ladies, do not have to worry about pissing ourselves, bleeding all over ourselves, getting diseases, or even worse, getting raped while we’re trying to take a dump in the woods. Public restrooms are designed to free us from worry. So at the very least, we most certainly should not be worrying about whether or not the stalls are clean. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it until I no longer feel the need to sanitize the toilet seat before sitting down: Lady is as lady does.
Respect your bowels. Respect the public restroom.
Resources: United Nations, Toilet Hackers, Who Gives a Crap