Bidets rule. I never really quite understood why people chuckle when confronted with a bidet. I grew up with a bidet in my home, so I never thought they were weird. But now I can appreciate why they are so funny after doing a bit of research into their history and principal uses.
The bidet was invented by the French in the late 17th century and the word “bidet” is the French word for pony. Now that’s hilarious! One of the bidet’s first uses was to clean one’s genitalia before and after sex. Their most common use in modernage is to wash one’s anus after taking a dump. Bidets are actually pretty commonplace in most countries except for the US. In fact, countries like India and Japan are getting creative and merging the toilet and the bidet into one. Some of these devices even have seat warmers, dryers, and carbon filters to reduce odor.
A conversation with a good friend last night revealed some seriously revolutionary Doody Free parenting advice. To this day (she’s in her thirties), her father confirms the following with her every time they speak: 1) Did you brush your teeth? 2) Did you eat some fruit? 3) Did you take a good dump today?
Okay, maybe he doesn’t still ask her if she brushes her teeth everyday, but the other two still stand. Needless to say, she has no qualms about taking a dump.
Nothing says “WELCOME” better than some TP folded neatly into the perfect triangle. So next time you’re having guests over for dinner or whatever, welcome them with some toilet paper origami. #1 rule in toilet paper origami is you must always place your toilet paper with the overside facing you. 1) Lift the tab so that the underside is facing you and fold the upper righthand corner down into the shape of a triangle 2) Fold Point A to Point B 3) gently place tab back down on to the toilet paper roll 4) voila!
Did you know that your body cleanses itself during sleep, which is why you wake up with a light film on your tongue and nasty dog breath. That film is just a bunch of toxins and bacteria that can easily be eliminated by using the ancient Ayurvedic technique of tongue scraping. I use a copper tongue scraper every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up. I even carry one in my purse – it’s better for your breath and your health than chewing gum!
Here is the proper way to scrape your tongue: 1) Hold both ends of the tongue scraper with both hands 2) Stick your tongue out 3) Insert tongue scraper arch into your mouth until you feel like you want to gag 4) Press down on your tongue and pull the tongue scraper forward, scraping all the mucus off of your tongue 5) Rinse and repeat until you feel Doody Free.
Chew your food! I’ve actually seen whole foods exit my clients’ rears during colonics. No wonder they’re bloated! The process of mastication is entirely underrated. Did you know that digestion of fats and carbohydrates begins in your mouth? This goes for liquids as well. Taste your beverage, never chug. Chewing your food well allows the enzymes in your mouth to attack your food, promoting proper absorption and digestion. Bypassing the appropriate exposure to these enzymes will only lead to gas and possibly constipation. Chewing helps relax the lower stomach, allowing food to pass easily into the small intestine where nutrients are absorbed. The single event of chewing triggers the entire digestive process and may even encourage an immediate bowel movement.
A conversation with a client last night shed some more light on why girls are so afraid to go #2 in public. I’ve become so jaded from my work that I easily forget how traumatizing it is for girls to poop in public even around their female peers. My client, a grown woman, is still terrified to poop in the multi-stall women’s bathroom at work for fear of what her coworkers may say behind her back. She explained that if she walked into the bathroom and someone was in one of the stalls, even though she really needed to take a dump, she’d pull the classic move of either blowing her nose or washing her hands and immediately leave the bathroom. Women should not have to suffer like this!
So I want to address the two causes for embarrassment that women fear will make headline news around the office with regards to taking a shit: smell and noise. Smell can easily be remedied by carrying a small bottle of Poopourri in your purse. This all-natural toilet spray is sprayed into the bowl before pooping. The magic happens once you flush. A poof of scented freshness hits the air without the overwhelming allergic response common to most air fresheners. Just make sure to give an immediate courtesy flush as soon as your log hits the water. This helps minimize the smell. Repeat Poopourri directions until you are finished and make sure you take your time. By this point, everyone knows you’re dropping a deuce. Noise is a little tricker. You really never know what you’re gonna get when your booty hits the porcelain. My trick is to cough or blow my nose at the point of release. This way, not only is the noise covered, but your body won’t shy away from just letting it all go!
Girls, quit gossiping about who bombed the bathroom earlier. Give your neighbor the high five she deserves and let’s move on.
I woke up around 5am because I was about to piss myself. I tried to put it off because I had to wake up in two hours, but couldn’t hold it any longer. So I dragged myself to the bathroom, pulled my pants down, and sat down only to feel freezing water kiss my bottom. I jumped up and looked down to find the toilet water seat level. Submerging a plunger to remedy the issue would only make the water overflow, so I did what any other respectable girl would do: I peed on top of the water and dealt with it later in the morning. By then, the water will hopefully sink. It did.
So this takes me to an important skill set everyone should have under their belt: toilet plunging. This experience forced me to learn how to plunge a toilet and it goes a little something like this: 1) grip plunger with both hands 2) place mouth of plunger around the hole at the bottom of the toilet 3) pump the plunger continually, creating a suctioning, without breaking the seal between the plunger and the porcelain until the toilet starts to swallow the water. Voila!
I’m not one to wash my hands every time I use the bathroom. Reason being that 1) I do not have a penis and 2) I generally don’t pee on my hands. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a dirtbag either. So I find it important to discuss why my hands are probably cleaner than all of the antibacterial obsessed clean freaks I encounter especially on airplanes. The 99.9% germ claim found on every antibacterial product on the market does not refer solely to harmful bacteria if at all. In fact, according to an article posted on About.com, these antibacterial products may actually be creating more bacteria on your hands. Superbugs, perhaps? Also, children’s immune system development are also being hampered because the exposure to the proper amount of germs conducive to proper growth is being compromised.
In conclusion, I recommend turning yourself on to products that use organic alcohol, ethanol and essential oils.
According to the Wall Street Journal’s article about “Tight Pants Syndrome,” if you are experiencing unexplainable stomach pain, heartburn, belching, yeast infections and/or numbness in your legs, you may want to consider retiring those way-too-tight jeans that are probably giving you a muffin top anyway. Ladies, you may also be paying the price for false advertising. Spanx and Yummy Tummy are just miserable, squeezing the crap out of your innards. Even pantyhose and tights give me gas. I find leggings to be less severe, giving me no problems. I’m loving the article in last month’s Elle magazine entitled “Hot Pants,” which tries to sell the wide-leg look that only this chick can pull off: