Doody Free Girls Don’t Gossip.

A conversation with a client last night shed some more light on why girls are so afraid to go #2 in public. I’ve become so jaded from my work that I easily forget how traumatizing it is for girls to poop in public even around their female peers. My client, a grown woman, is still terrified to poop in the multi-stall women’s bathroom at work for fear of what her coworkers may say behind her back. She explained that if she walked into the bathroom and someone was in one of the stalls, even though she really needed to take a dump, she’d pull the classic move of either blowing her nose or washing her hands and immediately leave the bathroom. Women should not have to suffer like this!

So I want to address the two causes for embarrassment that women fear will make headline news around the office with regards to taking a shit: smell and noise. Smell can easily be remedied by carrying a small bottle of Poopourri in your purse. This all-natural toilet spray is sprayed into the bowl before pooping. The magic happens once you flush. A poof of scented freshness hits the air without the overwhelming allergic response common to most air fresheners. Just make sure to give an immediate courtesy flush as soon as your log hits the water. This helps minimize the smell. Repeat Poopourri directions until you are finished and make sure you take your time. By this point, everyone knows you’re dropping a deuce.  Noise is a little tricker.  You really never know what you’re gonna get when your booty hits the porcelain. My trick is to cough or blow my nose at the point of release. This way, not only is the noise covered, but your body won’t shy away from just letting it all go!

Girls, quit gossiping about who bombed the bathroom earlier. Give your neighbor the high five she deserves and let’s move on.

Poopourri.com

Rude Awakenings.

I woke up around 5am because I was about to piss myself. I tried to put it off because I had to wake up in two hours, but couldn’t hold it any longer. So I dragged myself to the bathroom, pulled my pants down, and sat down only to feel freezing water kiss my bottom. I jumped up and looked down to find the toilet water seat level. Submerging a plunger  to remedy the issue would only make the water overflow, so I did what any other respectable girl would do: I peed on top of the water and dealt with it later in the morning. By then, the water will hopefully sink. It did.

So this takes me to an important skill set everyone should have under their belt: toilet plunging. This experience forced me to learn how to plunge a toilet and it goes a little something like this: 1) grip plunger with both hands 2) place mouth of plunger around the hole at the bottom of the toilet 3) pump the plunger continually, creating a suctioning, without breaking the seal between the plunger and the porcelain until the toilet starts to swallow the water. Voila!

Doody Free Hands.

I’m not one to wash my hands every time I use the bathroom. Reason being that 1) I do not have a penis and 2) I generally don’t pee on my hands. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a dirtbag either. So I find it important to discuss why my hands are probably cleaner than all of the antibacterial obsessed clean freaks I encounter especially on airplanes. The 99.9% germ claim found on every antibacterial product on the market does not refer solely to harmful bacteria if at all.  In fact, according to an article posted  on About.com, these antibacterial products may actually be creating more bacteria on your hands. Superbugs, perhaps? Also, children’s immune system development are also being hampered because the exposure to the proper amount of germs conducive to proper growth is being compromised.

In conclusion, I recommend turning yourself on to products that use organic alcohol, ethanol and essential oils.

Hipster Jeans Giving You Gas?

 

According to the Wall Street Journal’s article about “Tight Pants Syndrome,” if you are experiencing unexplainable stomach pain, heartburn, belching, yeast infections and/or numbness in your legs, you may want to consider retiring those way-too-tight jeans that are probably giving you a muffin top anyway. Ladies, you may also be paying the price for false advertising. Spanx and Yummy Tummy are just miserable, squeezing the crap out of your innards. Even pantyhose and tights give me gas. I find leggings to be less severe, giving me no problems. I’m loving the article in last month’s Elle magazine entitled “Hot Pants,” which tries to sell the wide-leg look that only this chick can pull off:

Proenza Schouler

NYC Public Bathroom Guide

After a near-diarrhea experience on the subway today, I realized the importance of having your public bathrooms mapped out in your head. Here’s a list of my trusted, easily-accessible bathrooms in Manhattan.

 

Midtown: Uniqlo

Midtown /Upper West: Whole Foods at Columbus circle (bottom floor of mall in the eating area)

Midtown /Upper East: Whole Foods(57th between 2nd and 3rd Ave.), Saks Fifth Avenue, Bergdorf Goodman, Bloomingdales

Time Square: Marriott Marquis (I believe you have to take the elevator up. I’ve used it once or twice when I was in a bind. Very clean.)

Bryant Park: Le Pain Quotidien (walk right in like you’re meeting someone – it’s on the right), Bryant Park public bathroom (very nice! on 42nd Street), Whole Foods

Madison Square Park: Self-cleaning public restroom at the park (50 cents per use)

Herald Square: Uniqlo, Macy’s

Chelsea: Bed Bath & Beyond (to the left once you walk in)

Union Square: Whole Foods (2nd floor), Max Brenner (walk straight to the back), Babys R Us (2nd floor), Barnes & Noble

West Village: Lifethyme market (walk up to second floor)

Lower East Side: Whole Foods market on Houston (walk up to second floor, all the way to the left)

Soho: Nespresso (walk inside and to the right, take elevator down)

Tribecca: Whole Foods, Barnes & Noble

Financial District: The Oculus at World Trade (you will find a few bathrooms at this mall – I like the bathroom by Eataly upstairs), Century 21, Whole Foods, Barnes & Noble

 

Why Am I So Obsessed With Poop?

Probably because it feels fantastic! My goal is to get my clients to take a substantial dump daily. It’s shocking how many women think it’s normal to only poop 2-3 times a week. If that were me, I’d be a raging biatch. I credit my upbringing for my fascination with poop. My father has always thought it acceptable and funny to set off fart bombs at home. His farts are so loud, I really don’t understand how he avoids crapping his pants with each explosion. My brother actually does have some pretty insanely hysterical stories of legitimately crapping his pants (he’d never read this, so it’s okay).  My brother brags every time he takes a huge dump like he expects some sort of gold medal. Although, I think we all secretly wish we could take a picture of some of our monstrous logs and send it off for some Hall of Fame acknowledgement.

So I guess this all explains why I laugh uncontrollably when the subject of  fecal matter is introduced into any conversation. I wish all girls would regard this subject matter as light & fun and feel comfortable enough to speak freely about their issues and ultimately, poop with pride.

Hope you’re proud, Pop!

Let’s Talk About Poop!

Why has bowel failure struck mostly women today? It’s quite evident that females have unjustly suffered from a double poop standard. I personally remember being terrified to poop anywhere but home and my girlfriends would concur. Many of my female clients come in routinely for colonics because their bowels have completely shut down from years of mental training and/or laxative abuse. The gravity method colonics I employ assists in slowly strengthening the bowels back to life.

Chronic constipation has been held responsible for many skin disorders and other debilitating conditions such as chronic migraines and even certain cancers. This blog was created to start a healthy conversation about the importance of regularity.

Cheers!