The Festival Poo

Talk about pooping at music festivals has come up a lot this past week. I guess it’s getting to be that time of year. One of my favorite clients just returned from the Envision Festival in Costa Rica. I’d like to think I can hang with dirty hippies, but everything about this festival looks like sheer smelly torture. At least 100 festival-goers left with a souvenir called E. Coli. So needless to say, the bathroom situation was dire. I imagine the attendees of this festival believe in a goods-exchange economy, where only goods or services are exchanged rather than money. So what does the dude cleaning the Porta-John get?  I suppose…E.Coli….and a hug?

So what is a girl to do when you can’t stop peeing out of your ass while sharing a tent constructed over wet soil. My first suggestion is to never put yourself in this shitty situation, but should you find yourself making bad decisions, carry a bottle of activated charcoal with you and some bread (but don’t get pissed when you find your tent-mate eating your bread sprinkled with some hallucinogenics). Also, get a colonic before leaving for your trip. My friend did as such and only got mildly sick compared to her friends. She got another colonic upon her return to get rid of whatever bug was still lurking in her system and left feeling brand new.

The truth is no one (including myself) wants to take a shit in a Porta John. Faced with a Porta John as my only option, I opt out. There’s something unappealing about dropping my lifestyle evidence on top of a collection of shit slowly fossilizing in a solution of blue chemicals. And there’s always the fear of being flipped over while trapped inside. That, my friend, has happened to someone of two degrees separation at a music festival where there were at least 100 Porta Johns, so by no means is this scenario an impossibility.

I’d rather dig a hole and cover my tracks…

 

All Points West Festival
The All Points West music festival in 2009. This was one of my favorite annual music festivals. I vote to bring it back especially since I would be able to run home if I needed to take a shit.

 

 

A Makeshift Bidet

Hello from the Catskills! I am on a three day snowboarding trip with my favorite nonprofit, Stoked Org, whose mission is to close the opportunity gap by empowering our underserved communities through action sports. We just wrapped up breakfast, after which I immediately needed to take a dump. If you’re a follower, you already know that I love me some bidets. I certainly didn’t expect this Bed & Breakfast to have a bidet, but there is a shower right next to the toilet. So if you ever find yourself wiping your ass after a satisfying shit, only to feel dirtier because the consistency is somewhat fudge-like, take a shower-bidet.

A shower-bidet is when you squat close to the faucet (do not turn on the shower-head) and soap your butt crack and butthole thoroughly. Rinse, turn around and repeat to make sure you rinse off the suds in the front.

IMG_9848

 

Parasites!

One of my new favorite TV shows I discovered last year when I was home sick one day is called The Monsters Inside Me. This show is definitely not recommended for my hypochondriacs. You will learn first-hand about rare cases of parasite infestations that many times result in neurological disorders and even death. Many of the victims contracted parasites from their travels where they literally found themselves eating shit, stepping in shit and getting the shits.

While I wouldn’t consider myself an avid traveler, I’ve definitely spent sufficient time in the jungle of Costa Rica and in the coastal deserts of Peru and Mexico (suspect areas according to the show). I will never forget my debilitating shitstorm on my first trip to Peru. All night, I was repeating a delicious mango I had eaten but not washed beforehand because it was so ripe the skin had torn. I just peeled it and ate it when I should have tossed it because consequently, I ate some parasites. My last visit to Peru involved some strange stomach aches as well and every night I would contemplate a parasite cleanse upon my return. Ultimately, I never went through with a parasite cleanse and I am glad for that.

According to Dr. Robynne Chutkan (a NY Times best-selling author and gastroenterologist) in her book, Gutbliss,

If you think you have a parasite, it’s always better to get diagnosed and figure out if you really do, and, if so, which specific one. The treatments can differ dramatically, from single-dose over-the-counter cures to weeks of prescription medication. There are lots of natural remedies, too, including things that may already be in your kitchen, like garlic, black walnuts, papaya seeds, and cloves. Wormwood tea is effective against many parasites and can be brewed at home, but it’s not without potential side effects, including sleep disturbances and possible organ damage.

In the absence of a diagnosis, beware of signing up for Internet cures that may or may not work and could have unpleasant side effects you hadn’t bargained on. you may ultimately need to see an infectious disease specialist or someone with expertise in parasitology. Be sure to ask when you make the appointment if they’re familiar with diagnosing and treating parasites.

Additionally, the thought of having dead parasites floating around in my body doesn’t sound appealing nor any healthier than having live parasites. Here are Dr. Chutkan’s “Gutbliss Solutions for Parasites” as listed in her best-selling book, Gutbliss:

If you’re exposed to a parasite, the likelihood of whether it will set up shop in your digestive tract and cause symptoms is, like other types of infections, related in part to how healthy your immune system is.

  • A nourishing diet, lots of rest and exercise, and avoiding chemicals and other toxins are part of creating a healthy immune system and preventing parasites from taking hold.
  • As is the case for bacteria, parasites have a sweet tooth, so limiting starchy, sugary foods can be an important part of preventing or treating a parasitic infection.
  • Maintaining healthy levels of good bacteria in your gut by avoiding unnecessary antibiotics an drugs that change the pH will also help to discourage growth of parasites.
  • Eating a high-fiber diet and taking a daily tablespoon of ground psyllium husk powder cleans out the intestines and can help to remove parasite eggs that may be attempting to make a home.
  • Eating foods rich in vitamin A precursors, such as carrots and sweet potatoes, can help prevent parasitic larvae from penetrating, and raw garlic also has antiparasitic qualities.
  • Parasites can be transmitted from dogs and other pets, so make sure yours are regularly checked for worms and that their feces are properly disposed of. You also need to be on the lookout for whether your pet might be eating the infected stool of other animals, a practice that’s not uncommon among puppies.
  • To avoid coming into contact with infected stool, don’t walk barefoot where animals have been.
  • Wear gloves when gardening and make sure you’re not watering vegetables with a contaminated water supply from a septic tank.
  • Strict hand washing, careful washing of fruits and vegetables, filtering your drinking water, and avoiding raw and undercooked meat are also important preventive tactics. I’ve seen parasites in people doing a juice cleanse who weren’t washing the produce well before juicing it.
  • As much as I love them, salad bars can also be opportunities for contamination of food. One University of California study secretly observed a salad bar and found that over half the diners were in serious violation of the rules, using their fingers to sample the food and committing other hygiene transgressions.
  • Poor sanitation in public or community spaces, especially in places such as nursing homes and day care centers, contributes to the spread of parasites.

Resources: Monsters Inside Me, Gutbliss by Robynne Chutkan, M.D., FASGE

 

Doody Free Girl Shit-Anywhere Candles!

I’ve already established that I love all things that smell good and a good-smelling candle is no exception. There’s something sweet and welcoming about a lit candle, especially in unexpected corners of a home such as the bathroom. So my new addition to the Doody Free Girl space are my handmade Bathroom Soy Travel Candles scented with lemongrass essential oil and complete with Doody Free Girl Shit-Anywhere matches.  Take these on your next trip to ensure a romantic bathroom experience anywhere. Stop by the shop!

travel candles

This is Where I Leave You.

I am on the airplane right now heading from Tokyo to Hong Kong. I am a new fan of Cathay Pacific Airways. I hate to admit it, but I wasn’t looking all forward to this trip solely based on the 24 hours of travel time from NYC to Japan via Hong Kong. I thought that this would be the longest I’d ever traveled in one shot, but I conveniently forgot about the 17 hour bus ride to Lobitos, Peru preceded by the 7 hour flight to Lima last year, which I’ve actually taken numerous times already. In comparison, the flight to Hong Kong is a breeze with its selection of music and movies, clean bathrooms and free wine.

I’ve even discovered a few new genres of music I enjoy! I can’t tell you what they are, but there’s a group called Caribou, a girl named Taylor Swift and something called Hed Kandi (a mix of various artists). I’ve been listening to all of the above ad nauseam.

I’ve also had time to catch up on some Oscar noms and other movies. I just finished watching This is Where I Leave You, featuring Jason Bateman, Jane Fonda, and Tina Fey. A client of mine had told me about this movie a while ago, but I completely forgot about it and just finally got a chance to see it. I must say I absolutely adored this movie and did not want it to end! I love a movie that will make me laugh like an idiot on an airplane. There’s even an entire potty training element to the movie with a little boy fully committed to potty training, dragging his potty everywhere he goes. After tossing his T-shaped poops at his dad doesn’t go over so well, the little boy learns to drag his ass and his potty outside whenever he needs to take a dump. You’ll catch him pooping in his potty on the front step, the back porch and even in the basement while his mom is trying to screw her brother-in-law. I’m telling you, this movie has it all!

In any case, just thought you’d appreciate an update. I’ve been getting emails from you all asking if I’m coming home. Trust me, I am SO looking forward to opening Doody Free Girl in Jersey City next week and seeing you all! I’m back late tomorrow night, but dead to the world until Thursday.

xoxo
j

 

airplane selfie

Japan knows what’s up!!!

I have finally arrived at my hotel in Nagano, Japan after what has amounted to nearly 30 hours of travel time from NYC. This trip has been planned for about six months now and is coincidentally serving as a  businessMOON as I will be opening Doody Free Girl right when I get back on March 16th. (So book your gravity colonic appointment online now!)

What started out as a snowboarding trip to Japan has quickly become an investigative research project into all things Asian, namely snacks and toilets. It all started on the airplanes. We first flew 16 hours from JFK to Hong Kong followed by a two hour layover in the Hong Kong airport lounge, a three hour flight to Tokyo and finally, a five hour bus ride to Nagano. While I always recommend that clients not eat on the plane to avoid gas and bloat, I cannot resist airplane food no matter how shitty it is. I will eat whatever is served to me especially if it is foreign and tasty and I will deal with the consequences. So one dinner, fifty snacks and three brunches later, I am feeling like a bloated whale on all counts. Even my legs are bloated despite the compression socks I wore. The only advice I have from this experience is to fart on the plane and to fart often. Everyone is sleeping anyway. Go to the bathroom and pee often because you’ll be surprised at how much gas pressure is relieved once you pee.

This brings me to the Japanese and their profound respect for the wash room. My first experience was at the rest stop on our last leg of travel in Japan. While purchasing some mystery Japanese snacks, it was unbeknownst to me that I was about to have the most luxurious bathroom experience ever, never mind at a rest stop. I walked in to the enormous restroom and there was a digital switchboard informing you which stalls were available. Each stall has generous room and a heated toilet seat complete with bidet attachment. I did not have enough time to play around with the bidet, nor did I want to because my Seattle experience left a scar, but sitting on a warm toilet seat at a cold rest stop is priceless!

In our hotel room, the entire bathroom is small and efficient, resembling that of a room on a cruise ship. The faucet for the sink doubles as the faucet for the shower. And of course, the toilet has a bidet attachment! This one is slightly different than anything I’ve ever experienced because the bowl fills with water the second you sit on the toilet seat. Although I  cannot seem to find much logic in that even with regards to water efficiency, I’m sure there is sound reason behind it. The Japanese seem to be winning at life. I mean, have you seen how they fold their socks??

Japan bathroom switchboard

Japan public restroom

#WorldToiletDay

Yup, it’s a thing. Last year, celebrities like Matt Damon got involved with the UN to spread awareness on the global issue of open defecation on November 19th, which was declared World Toilet Day in 2001 by the World Toilet Organization. Open defecation is common in countries like India, where lack of toilets pose a major problem. Without a private place to take care of business, the general population is forced to either go in the woods, on the sidewalk, on the beach, or basically anywhere in the natural open. This leaves many susceptible to disease resulting from a contaminated water supply and even atrocities like rape and murder. Women are the most vulnerable when left to handle their poop and menstruation business out in the open. World Toilet Day serves as a means to spread global awareness on this shitty issue.

So there have been a crapload of toilets built around the world in the last few years as a result of this global campaign to build toilets. For example, Who Gives A Crap is donating 50% of their tree-free toilet paper proceeds to  help build toilets for those in need (they’re toilet paper is the shit!). The next step is getting the targeted populations to use them! Many cultures are averse to crapping where they eat. The Hindu population in India, for instance, prefer to poop far away from the house because according to the “Laws of Manu,” this avoids ritual impurity. Many cultures also view bathrooms as dark, scary places.

It’s time to take pride in our public and private bathrooms. Ladies, let’s be ladies. Let’s keep our public bathrooms clean and encourage a safe haven for women where they can feel a sense of pride and accomplishment after relieving themselves. Collectively, our efforts will contribute to the United Nations’ Bowel Movement to get both men and women fearlessly using the loo.

Resources: The Economist