Veganism and Boobies

I’ve been in and out of veganism for the last ten years and recently re-committed about a year and a half ago for not only vanity and health motivations, but environmentalism and animal rights motivations. There is no question that eliminating meat and dairy (even grass-fed and “free-range”) from your diet results in a reduction of excess sodium, antibiotics, hormones, GMOs and mucus in your system. Additionally, the meat and dairy industry are the biggest players in land degradation, carbon emissions and animal cruelty in the history of mankind. However, this post is about another pressing issue: boobies.

I’ve always had small training bra-size boobs that I’ve always been comfortable with (I’m almost 36 years old, yet favor a training bra). When I stopped eating meat and dairy in my mid twenties, I stopped getting severe menstrual cramps and my boobs stayed consistently small even around my period. I not only stopped eating meat and dairy, but I had also given up cooked food all together because I became obsessed with the integrity of raw foods. This health obsession ironically became the unhealthiest period of my life. It took me about two years to realize that my diet was making me an anxious person, at which point, I adopted even unhealthier eating patterns in an effort to erase my anxious raw vegan identity. So over the last ten years, I went from being raw vegan to vegan to vegetarian to pescatarian to carnivore, then back to vegetarian and now vegan with a love (not obsession) for raw foods.  And through these phases, I can definitively say my boobs were most tender and grew to adult size during my carnivorous phase.

While this may encourage women to eat meat, sudden breast enlargement can signal estrogen dominance, which may cause breast cancer and man boobies. There are easy ways to reduce exposure to excess estrogen in our system. These include eating processed soy products, meat and dairy in moderation, eating organic, drinking filtered water (not in a plastic bottle), giving your nails a breather from nail polish, using truly natural body products and cosmetics and exploring natural methods of birth control. Most importantly, it is crucial to monitor our elimination because poor elimination increases the load on your liver, which is responsible for metabolizing estrogen out of our bodies. Unplug your rancid hormones with a colonic and consider a future liver cleanse.

potty training vegan pig with litter box
Pigs are the shit! Shout out to Billie, who potty trained himself!

I Thinx Not!!!

Two things happened yesterday: I got my period and one of my favorite clients did too, only in the worst way. She was testing out the new Thinx underwear that are designed to absorb two tampons worth of menstruation. You may have seen the following obscene advertisements in the subway (the girl in the first ad is not me):

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My client can attest that these panties do not have your back, as she bled straight through on to her pants even while wearing a tampon. I’m not sure how I feel about period soaked panties anyhow…I’ll stick to my nasty period soaked pads and Diva Cup for now.

A Non-Smelly Period!

One of my favorite clients introduced me to a low-maintenance, eco-friendly way to manage my period sans tampons or pads. It’s called a Diva Cup and is exactly as it sounds. It is basically a 2 ounce food-grade silicone cup that you fold up and insert into your vagina. Once in, it unfolds and collects your blood. You can keep it in there for up to 12 hours and then rinse it off with the Diva Cup cleanser or boil it in hot water for 8 minutes. It should be replaced upon your discretion, depending how often you use it. Diva Cup suggests it be replaced every year, but Mooncup (a competitor) claims it lasts for years and years as long as the shape remains in tact and the material is not compromised (check for stickiness).

I bought my Diva Cup about six months ago at Whole Foods, but only got around to using it the few times that I would normally wear a tampon. I am more of a maxi-pad kind of girl because the thought of an absorbent tampon sitting in my vagina grosses me out. I’d rather have everything naturally flow down and then just sit in my gnarly pad. There are really no good options here.

But the Diva Cup is certainly revolutionizing the whole menstruation experience. Once inserted, the cup creates a bit of a suction, blocking any leakage or stank, and thus, any dogs in heat from sticking their heads in your crotch. On a heavy day, a tiny bit of fluid may sneak past, so wear a mini-pad just in case. The first few times I used it, I felt like a pubescent girl using a tampon for the first time. Removing it was tricky and quite painful, but I have gotten used to the process and look forward to observing my blood flow and its consistency. It’s no wonder that women in ancient times thought they were bleeding out!

I was worried about the repercussion of peeing and shitting while wearing the Diva Cup. At least tampons are cheap and somewhat flushable, but if my Diva Cup went flying into the toilet bowl during a forceful evacuation, especially in a public restroom, I would not be happy about fishing out the $40 cup. I am pleased to announce you can pee and shit full throttle while wearing a Diva Cup without consequence.

Cheers!

 

period Diva Cup and colonics

 

 

The Menstrual Poop.

In high school, I would get sent home on the regular for passing out from my debilitating menstrual cramps. Passing out would give me the same instant relief like throwing up or having diarrhea. I wonder if I can survive giving birth? Apparently, those cramps are caused by the body’s release of a chemical signal called prostaglandin, which signals the uterus to contract. Cramps result when the body produces a little bit too much prostaglandin, which can cause a contraction so strong, it cuts the blood supply to the uterus off. Ouch! I don’t experience those pass-out worthy contractions anymore, just slight cramping which I fully embrace because apparently, the excess prostaglandin has found its way to my anus, causing me to poop instead! So my body is now working with me, giving me the kind of relief I can appreciate.

Resources: Popular Science

Girls are Dirty.

In an earlier post demanding that guys take better care of their toilets, I failed to mention how despicably filthy women can be when using public toilets. Ironically, men’s public bathrooms are notoriously cleaner than women’s.

I’m sick of walking into a public bathroom and slowly checking out the stalls through my periphery in fear of having my heart jump at the sight of either diarrhea splattered on the seat or period juice smeared all over the front and sides of the toilet seat. How does that happen anyway?  And what respectable woman does not a) glance back down at the toilet to make sure there are no streaks waiting to disgust the next guest and then b) flush the toilet?!!

“Ladies,” let’s be ladies. Let’s end these vomit-inducing trips to the public bathroom. I don’t know about you, but the bathroom is my sanctuary. I love relieving myself and then admiring myself in the mirror for roughly five minutes. I may even throw in a handwash if there’s some delicious smelling handsoap or an Xlerator hand dryer just because I like to see the skin on my hands flap around like sheets in the wind. So after pooping, peeing, and/or vomiting, please wipe yourself AND don’t forget the seat. Merci.

sheets flapping in the wind