Yesterday was a good day. We celebrated the 10 year anniversary of Release NYC, where I worked as a colon hydrotherapist since 2009. I apprenticed under the owner, Tommy DeVito, who taught me how to give a proper colonic without getting shit all over the place. Release NYC will officially be closing its doors at the end of the month, so apparently, I have one week to get my ice skates out of there – I skated at Bryant Park on three different lunch breaks over two years ago, but refuse to chuck the skates!
Somewhere along the line, a cultural obsession with protein developed along with the desire to look like this:
Because that’s normal…
I know what bodybuilders go through to look like this and it involves a lot of dead chickens, food obsessing, no life outside the gym, fat burning pills, zero shits (but infinite fucks) and intentional dehydration. I don’t understand why this sounds appealing only to end up looking like The Hulk and forever shop in Plus Size (or not….)
Aside from thinking bodybuilding is some weird shit, I want to drive home the point that we are a protein-obsessed culture. Friends and clients alike ask me all the time how I get my protein since I don’t eat meat or fish. Vegans will always pose the argument that we get substantial, if not excess protein from plant food because a lot of our leafy greens contain the amino acids necessary to build complete proteins in our bodies. One cup of spinach has 7 grams of protein! I mean, have you seen the guns on Popeye!
Meat on the other hand, is a complete protein, which requires our bodies to break down the amino acids before assimilating it. Additionally, some of the proteins are destroyed from cooking. Heavy meat eating can also result in heart and kidney issues, so the healthiest way to get your protein is from your veggies.
So for all my protein-obsessed vegans, there are ways to get beefy without eating beef. My friend and idol, Mike Perrine (@EveryDayDetox), offers up his perfected protein shake recipe. Mike is the biggest fucking vegan hipster, foodie, health-nut kinda dude and yes ladies, he’ll make you some pickles (Tinder profile photo below. Popeye resemblance?).
Follow his Snapchat to learn some invaluable shit, including how to make smoothies the right way and where to find vintage graffiti in NYC. After weeks of begging, he finally produced this recipe chock full of protein derived from hemp seeds. Hemp seeds pack a whopping 5 grams of protein per tablespoon along with 6 times more omega-3s than tuna, plus they’re rich in fiber and trace minerals. It’s pretty much a perfect food.
THE PERRINE GREEN HEMP BROTEIN SMOOTHIE – make 24 oz.
3 T hemp protein
2 T Vitamineral Green
3 Medjool Dates
3 Dried Turkish Figs
Pinch of Celtic Sea Salt
3 C Fresh Almond Walnut Milk (wtf Mike! Who has time for this shit?!)
15 (16 is poisonous) Raw Cacao beans (optional)
- Check your dried fruits for bugs and pits.
- If you have the time, soak your dates and figs in the nut milk for twenty minutes to one hour.
- In a Vitamix blend the first six ingredients until smooth.
- Add the cacao beans and pulse for 5 seconds to create the chocolate chip effect.
I’m very excited to be featured on Kimberly Snyder’s top-rated Beauty Inside Out iTunes podcast! Kimberly Snyder is not only a celebrity nutritionist living and breathing a compassionate, plant-based diet empowering each of her followers to achieve their highest self both physically and spiritually, but she is also responsible for putting gravity colonics on the global map.
When I was first turned onto gravity colonics, it felt like a secretive practice only for those “in the know.” I was even embarrassed to tell my parents I was partaking in this weirdness. My mission in establishing Doody Free Girl has always been to eliminate the shame game. Shaming is lame. Everyone deserves to poop in peace.
So please check out the POO-CAST and don’t keep me a secret by sharing this with all your friends and enemies. CLICK HERE AND ENJOY!
Doody Free Girl is closed on Tuesdays because I work in Manhattan every Tuesday at Release NYC, where I was trained back in 2009 by the owner and my mentor, Tom DeVito. For those following my blog, you know Tom DeVito is a fucking anomaly. Last night, we had a belated 53rd birthday celebration for the guinea at the Flatiron Room, a scotch whiskey lounge complete with live music, where we discovered the joys of LaGavulin Double Matured Single Malt Scotch Whiskey.
But before heading to the lounge, Tom and I completed a day full of intestinal cleanings followed by a dinner composed of Tom’s Famous Salad. I felt impelled to share this recipe with you because I’ve already taken two glorious dumps this morning even though I’m normally a once-a-dayer. Whether credit is due to the whiskey or the salad is unimportant because both are delicious! Cheers!
Tom’s Famous Salad (feeds a village, but only one Tom DeVito)
1 head romaine
1 bunch curly kale
1 box heirloom cherry tomatoes
fresh lime juice of 1 lime
First ya gotta clean yuh kale and yuh ledduce. Then yuh gotta spin dat shit til it’s dry. I friggin hate soggy greens…
Translation: Clean the greens and spin dry using a salad spinner. Mix with the chopped tomatoes, avocado & lime juice and smother with as much seasoning as you fancy. Enjoy your epic bowel movement tomorrow!
Doody Free Girl exists thanks to the Original G: The Godfather of colonics, Gil Jacobs. If you’ve never heard of this man, it’s probably because you’re not down with getting a super aggressive colonic in a cramped bathroom in the East Village from a self-proclaimed unprofessional. But Gil has been dubbed the Godfather of Colonics in the health world not just because he’s a 58 year old Italian Guinea from Staten Island, but because he pioneered and revolutionized how NYC gives colonics through his “bottoms-up” approach to health. It has become a badge of honor for a colon therapist to have been trained by Gil Jacobs. We all brag about it, so always make sure your chosen colon therapist has this advanced “certification.”
Gil was my first and only paid colon therapist from 2007 until I was formally trained by the Wood Hygienic Institute in 2009. His charisma and encouragement is the reason I lead such an alternative lifestyle today. We would spend the entire hour of my colonic talking about health, food, family, and celebrity gossip (in terms of whose gas has traveled up to their face i.e. those whose faces have blown up i.e. John Travolta). Gil is well versed in all aforementioned subjects and he likes to throw in pop quizzes from time to time.
I decided to pay Gil a visit this weekend because I haven’t seen him in years and I was long overdue for a deep cleaning. On Friday, my veteran liver cleanse client assured me that my “ringworm rash” is definitely a detox symptom and I should embrace it for it serves as proof that my liver cleanse efforts were not in vain. She even told me that while she never got a rash, she did experience relentless itchiness all over her body when she started the liver cleanses. Gil believes the rash is a result of the antibiotics I took to heal the ringworm resurfacing. In fact, the first thing he asked me was if I took antibiotics to heal the ringworm back then. It actually makes perfect sense since the rash is exactly where my ringworm scar is and was torturing me with the same sensations as the ringworm, yet it did not form a ring. Andreas Moritz attributes all antibiotics, especially those that are used to treat skin infections, to gallstones. He concludes,
Symptomatic treatment always has a hefty price tag attached to it, that is, an impairment of basic liver functions. It is far easier and more beneficial for the body to remove all gallstones, restore normal blood values, and improve digestion and waste removal than to suppress the symptoms of a disease. Symptoms are not the disease; they only indicate that the body is attempting to save and protect itself. They signal the body’s need for attention, support, and care. Treating disease as if it were an enemy, when in reality it is a survival attempt, actually sabotages the body’s healing abilities and sows the seeds for further illness.
Resources: The Liver and Gallbladder Miracle Cleanse by Andreas Moritz, Gil Jacobs
It is an honor to be graced by the presence of Tom DeVito AKA Tommy Detox, owner of Release NYC (home to Doody Free Girl), on a daily basis. This Guinea from Staten Island may eat like a pussy, but he poops like a rockstar. I expect nothing less from someone who’s been in the colonic biz for over 15 years. So Tommy Detox has agreed to share his favorite and most crucial recipe of the day for those like myself who suffer from Guinea bathroom envy.
Guinea Wisdom Part One:
“Of all duh things I’ve tried in my life, not a single friggin’ thing worked. Nada. Zero. Zilch, ugotz! Who would have ever thought dat shoving a few carrots trew a juicer would make a difference, ova heer. And then bada-bing! All of uh sudden I feel like a 13-year old boy walking around with a perpetual boner!!
And now I would like to share wit youz, my new friends, some very helpful tipsss to get that healthy shit down yuh troat. First thing you wanna do is find a juice dat tastes good because if it tastes like shit, you won’t drink it twice, guaran-fuckin’-teed. Tuh get the most outa dis, make yuh juice BROWN. Basically, you want it to look like shit, not taste like shit. So, widout furduh ado, here’s my favorite recipe: lotsa romaine lettuce (creates no shitty aftertaste), spinach, celery, parsley, and add loads uh carrots—til it looks like shit, but trust me, it will taste just like chawclit milk…. sawta. And don’t let any asshole tell yiz yuh need the fiber in duh juice. All it does is cause more bloating and den needs digestion. Da whole fucking point utta juice machine is to not have fiber wit duh juice, it’s like mainlining rocket fuel. Bada-fucking-bing!”
“The most essential component to health for vibrant health and youthful energy is juicing PERIOD. Nothing remotely compares to the power of a fresh vegetable juice. My favorite recipe is very palatable: 1 head of romaine, 1 bunch of spinach, 4 stalks of celery, 1 sprig of parsley, and 1 pound of carrots.”