Stranger Than Colonics

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I’ve been singing Joanne Baldwin’s praises to just about anyone who will listen because I personally feel a responsibility to anyone who could benefit from her work, no matter how much crazier it makes me seem. Joanne has been a client of mine for years since I worked full time in NYC. I’ve seen her through her journey of mastering Biomagnetism over the years as she’s traveled both near and far to apprentice under the masters. I’ve always appreciated her insatiable appetite for alternative knowledge and her impressive dedication to understanding the human body as we don’t know it because…well, I like weird shit.

When I first met Joanne, however, she was always talking about babies and kids, which is not my favorite subject unless we are talking about pregnancy, labor and other reasons I shouldn’t have any. But for some reason, I love talking about kids with Joanne. She is a trained Doula and had specialized in Optimal Fertility and Preconception Detoxification, so naturally, I had a million questions for this bitch during her colonics.Biomagnetism biomagnetic master

The more I’ve gotten to know Joanne, the more I’ve gotten to love and trust this saint. Not only do she and her mother volunteer every single year at an orphanage in India and again in the States to follow up with those who’ve been adopted, but when I first met Joanne, she was a full-time nanny to an autistic child who she sincerely adored. She was on a mission to learn the causes of his condition and how life can improve for this young boy. Her love for this child seemed to drive her passion for detox as his parents exposed her to some of the top alternative doctors in NYC who centered their practices on detoxification and herbal tinctures.

One of said doctors introduced Joanne to Biomagnetism and unbeknownst to all, Joanne’s purpose in life. I’m not the best at articulating what exactly Biomagnetism is, so here is what Joanne’s website says verbatim:

 

Biomagnetism is a revolutionary, scientific and therapeutic approach which helps to facilitate the detoxification and elimination of pathogens, toxins and stress in the body. 

The life you are living has been shaped not only by your personal circumstances and experiences but also your ancestry and DNA. They all contribute to the building blocks of your internal programming and create your belief system. 

This belief system is structuring and running your life. Everything you are experiencing right now; the good, the bad, the things you do and react to, will all be rooted in, and therefore projected from the programming. This determines the health, wealth and success that you experience. 

Your internal programming defines and determines many areas of your life including: health – physical & mental, love life, career, relationships, enjoyment, addictions and potential.

In order to thrive, your life needs to be in balance and that is where Joanne and her magnets come in. You can eat all the right foods and exercise daily but if there are underlying conflicts in your body then overall wellbeing won’t be achieved. 

So basically, you can potentially blame your lineage for symptoms such as feelings of inadequacy or even chronic lower back pain. The Atlantic wrote an interesting piece diving deeper into the symptoms experienced by younger generations that potentially result from famine or war experienced by generations past. This exciting new field presents a completely different way to look at our bodies..and perhaps, our suffering. This all sounds like some past life regression bullshit that I generally avoid, and I guess in a way it is…minus the bullshit.

While Joanne feels that one Biomagnetism session is adequate for clients to receive benefit, I had to have a second session because I could not believe what happened after our first session. My lower back fatigue that I’ve experienced from a young age completely disappeared. I cannot remember a day where my lower back didn’t feel strained from being on my feet all day. It was never back pain, just a pain in the ass. In fact, I never even thought it was an issue! Up until a few months ago, I couldn’t remember going to a concert without having to lean on something to stretch my lower back a bit or straight up hoping the show was over sooner than later so I could go home and lay down.

During my Biomagnetism session, my body guided Joanne to my kidney (she literally talks to your feet!). She says kidney issues are commonly confused for back issues. Bloating/swelling and lower back pain can be an indication that your kidneys are not functioning optimally. I generally felt swelling in my legs, which was an issue I told her about. After my treatment, I peed like a racehorse and my lower back fatigue immediately dissolved. I also experience much less swelling in my legs. According to my “reading,” I can blame an incident that happened to my grandmother on my father’s side when she was 29 years old that subconsciously created a specific coding in her body (and consequently, our lineage) to deal with the emotions she experienced from her situation. Ironically, one of the emotions I released is “someone is to blame,” along with “victim,” “feeling misunderstood,” “my identity is fragile and uncertain” and “feeling like an outsider.” Sensations that I released are “lack,” “unhappiness,” “betrayal” and “humiliation.” I haven’t had much time to really sit with any of this, but I can tell you my back is feeling brand spanking new, which is an apparent manifestation of these emotions.

It gets even weirder because Joanne lives in London. She does this work remotely. I cannot recommend this magician enough. Email her at joanne@fortheloveofbalance.co.uk and prepare to detox your ass of the past.

Lead Poisoning

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In a past life, I was a realtor in Miami Beach. I totally sucked at it and felt completely unfulfilled as a result (or the cause?). It felt like my life was a series of annoying people and different lockbox sequences (insider tip: you can usually guess the code by trying different combinations of the current year and the address because…realtors). But I must admit I learned a few things of value in real estate school.

My real estate professor was the shit. I forget his name, but I will always remember his teachings because he was honest and funny as hell. He proudly declared at the beginning of the course that while dumb, he knows how to pass tests and had come to teach us thy ways. Basically, he spoke my language. A crash course in silly pneumonic devices proved successful in passing an exam and left me with some useless knowledge. For instance, the Statute of Frauds requires that certain contracts be memorialized in writing. He taught us to remember this by thinking of the word “frogs” instead of “frauds.” Frogs make the sound “ribbit, ribbit,” which he would sound as “write it, write it.” This pneumonic device is dumb as hell, but 12+ years later, I still remember this shit!

Another tip I learned involved lead poisoning. Houses built before 1978 were most likely painted with paint that contained toxic amounts of lead. Children are most susceptible to lead poisoning from paint because when they’re not smearing boogers everywhere, they’re sticking shit in their mouths. Eating lead paint chips or dirt infused with a high amount of lead can lead to a host of health issues such as learning disabilities, kidney damage, hearing damage, neurological damage, seizures and even death. Therefore, homebuyers must sign a waiver acknowledging the potential existence of lead with the option to have a lead inspection performed within ten days for an accurate cost analysis.

There are measures to prevent and remedy the existence of lead in your home if you have children. You can hire a certified lead abatement contractor to seal in the lead-based paint on your walls with a coat of nontoxic paint. This is probably the most cost-effective and healthy remedy. Alternatively, removing the paint can create a lot of toxic dust. If the soil around your home is contaminated, you may want to plant some grass over it to keep your child from eating the soil.

My real estate professor dismissed the severity of lead poisoning for those who do not have children. “Open the windows and air out every once in a while.” This is something you should do regardless of whether or not lead is present in your home. The insulation in your walls, wood finishings, cleaners, your furniture etc are full of all kinds of other toxins like acetone, carbon monoxide and formaldehyde. It is wise to open your windows upon waking every morning for at least ten minutes and to keep some air-filtering plants in the house. If you have a garden outside, you won’t need to worry too much about lead toxicity in your produce except for leafy greens.

There is also something you can do on the daily to assist in heavy metal detox. Chlorella has been proven to be an effective heavy metal binder. Not only is it an amazing detoxifier, but it is chock-full of minerals and chlorophyll, which is the ultimate blood cleanser. It is also an amazing source of protein, iron and zinc. I recommend taking this supplement everyday and getting a colonic monthly to assist in eliminating metals from the body. My favorite brand is Vega, a reputable vegan brand that is affordable and widely available in both health stores and online.

lead detox vegan chlorella

In conclusion, my real estate career wasn’t a complete waste of time after all…